The weekend that forever changed my life a year ago…is this weekend. I sit here in my apartment alone and think about how far I have come, but also how sad I am at the same time. When I think about how much has changed in a year, how much I have grown, how much life I have lived counted by the amount of full days I have had, etc. I am thankful….even though it has been a struggle for most of it. On the other hand, I think about what my life would be like today, how our home would be decorated or the memories made in our home, trips we would have taken, experiences we would have to reminiscence on, and all the green beer I would be drinking with my husband this weekend on St. Patty’s Day. My heart hurts today. I am angry and upset on one hand, and happy and proud on the other. What a freakin year it has been. Something that I have really made a conscious effort about is allowing myself to feel the feelings I am feeling, but understand what is triggering them. Being happy, angry, sad, peaceful, etc. is just an effect from a cause. I try to understand what my triggers are so I have a better handle on how I will feel in certain situations.

I look back on how I could have done things different in my marriage. How I could have been a better wife. etc. The list goes on and on. To name a few… I would have told my husband how proud I was to be his wife… every. single. day. I would have made it my mission to fill his love tank in the ways he felt most loved. I would have said thank you’s and I love you’s more. I would have made it a priority to spend more time with him and to actually do the things we always talked about doing. Little things from doing something around the house or trips and everything in between. I would have done them all. I would have listened more and asked more questions about him. He was always really good about listening and switching the conversation back to me. When he said he didn’t want to talk about things because they were a sensitive subject, I would have pressed a little harder to get to know him better. Peeling back the onion…there are so many layers. I would have been more affectionate to him in little and big ways. I would have communicated better when I was struggling and allowed him to help more. I am a little stubborn and like to do things on my own. Many lessons learned this past year. I would have done a lot of things a little different.

Now of course, when things happen people always say what they would have changed, done better, different, etc. I think you should learn from every experience good and bad. There are things I would do the exact same if I had to do it all over again. I would have continued to love him through it all. I loved him when he was working four jobs to pay for school/life when we were in college and when he was making good money to provide a lifestyle we didn’t have to stress about. I accepted him when he didn’t have much and loved him the same when he did. Material things and money aren’t a huge factor in my book. Love is more important to me than money and having all your wants/desires. It’s the person next to you that matters the most. I always felt like if I had him and the love we shared, we could get through anything and would always be okay. I provided for our family. Not always monetarily, but in having dinner made, lunches packed, breakfast made, sweet notes in his lunch or work bag, hugs and kisses on the way out the door and back in, listening ears, being a go-to dance partner whether it was out or in our kitchen, someone to always laugh at his jokes, the stability in having someone that could take care of the house when he was out of town so much, and being a constant love in his life. This list could also go on. I would be the caring and sweet person I have always been.

Make no mistake, my ex husband was not a bad person. He was actually incredible and so good for me in SO many ways. He was so much fun, hard-working, kind, smart and loving. He just made a mistake that would cost him his marriage and mine. It hurts me every day to not have him in my life. I think about him often and what my life would have been if I would have stayed. I knew in my gut I couldn’t. I made the decision I thought was best for me and acted on it regardless of how painful it was.

The thing that a lot of people don’t talk about it that you have to grieve your divorce just like you grieve a death. There are five stages and it is not 1,2,3,4,5 wabam you are healed. There is no particular order. The stages will come and go. You think you are getting better and you will feel like you got hit by a freight train one day and back at square one. You aren’t, but it feels that way. You never know how much time it takes to heal from things like this. There isn’t a time table. The ONLY person that knows you are okay, is the person wearing the shoes… you. Not the person that has walked in their shoes before. No shoes are the same. No person’s story is the same. You never know what someone is going through because 99.9% of people never share everything they are feeling, experiencing, etc., because being vulnerable is scary and terrifying and there is a huge fear of rejection involved. On the other hand being vulnerable lets people in and brings comfort that there are people in the world going through the same thing you are. There is comfort in numbers.

Everyone has their own struggles and has to process things on their own. The biggest thing for the people in their life is to just be there for them. Ask how they are doing and really mean it. Know that most people will say, “I’m good.” when they really aren’t. I have been one of those people before. Friends, hug your family, significant other, boyfriend/girlfriend, friends or just the people in your life and let them know you love them. Never be afraid to tell people how you really feel because life is short. Fill their love tank and figure out what ways they feel most loved. Communicate and let them know how you are feeling. Most importantly, take time for your loved ones and make them a priority. At the end of the day, it is the people beside you that matter the most.

Thank you for spending some of your day with me and reading along. I truly feel like I am sitting and catching up with a good friend writing this. I hope you feel the same. Thank you for being YOU! Have an amazing day and go make wonderful memories you will look back in a year and laugh about. Spread and be the joy, friend!

Amanda

Hi friends! This week was a good and long week. I was at our corporate office for leadership training. It still amazes me how much my company pours into each individual to become a better version of themselves. When I was gone all week the word that kept pulling on my heart strings during prayer was unanswered prayers. Not Thank God for unanswered prayers, just unanswered prayers. Kind of strange, because I am very aware of God not answering all my prayers but it doesn’t seem like something I am struggling with right now. For the first time in my life, I am not worried or concerned with the future. I know it will be good regardless of what happens. I can feel it in my bones. But I am also very aware that most people don’t feel that way. Most people stress about their future and what it holds. Well I hope my words can bring you some peace. I hope you can feel Jesus give you a big ole’ hug and a whisper in your ear saying,”I’ve got this. Have faith. Trust me on this one. It’s going to be good.”

The funny thing about unanswered prayers is when they aren’t answered I tend to get pissed off. Frustrated and begin to question things. Another little fun fact about me is I like to be in control. I am called the mama of my friend group for a reason. When I look back on prayers that weren’t answered I definitely stop and Thank God for not answering my prayers…now. Have you ever been there too?

When I was in college I was a management major. I took a sales class as an elective and really enjoyed it. I became a sales ambassador for the sales program which I was not qualified for because I was a management major, not a marketing major with a professional sales concentration. 100% God thing. Back then we were assigned corporate partners. I was assigned Tom James. I met the recruiter, Katie. Yall she was classy and well spoken, but most of all she was kind. She was SO nice and just real. A straight shooter. She walks in a room and captures people’s attention. She is a one-of-a-kind person and someone I immediately looked up to and still do to this day.

Being a sales ambassador you get one-on-one time with the recruiters which is a huge benefit to a senior in college needing a J.O.B post graduation. Another fun fact, I am also a straight shooter. She asked me if I wanted to go into sales. Yeah no thanks! I am doing this so I can add another line on my resume. She asked me if I would entertain doing a ride along day with her. Sure! What did I have to lose? Well to keep a long story short, I actually really liked it. When I graduated I had two job offers. One from Tom James and the other from a smaller power company I interned with my senior year. I turned down the offer from Tom James and went to work for the other company. I worked there for about two years and kept in touch with Katie. Which again is a God thing to me because how many people keep in touch with the recruiter when they turn down the job?!

Anyway, I got laid off from my last job and Katie called me the same day I had verbally accepted a job with another company and was told I was going to be receiving my last paycheck on said day. After talking to Katie, there was an opening in Houston and she could get me in for an interview the very next week. 15 minutes later I turned down the other job, put all my eggs in one basket, and went to the interview the very next week. I got the job and started working in February.

Three years later I am still here and involved in quite a few roles. When I look back on the last three years I cannot tell you how many unanswered prayers I have had. Countless times I thought God had thrown me to the wolves, but instead he was behind the scenes moving so many different things around so when the timing was right I was truly ready. There were plenty of times I thought I was ready to take more on my plate, but looking back now I definitely wasn’t. Leadership, hiring people, being more involved with training, etc. That’s the thing yall. He has already read the book. He knows exactly what is coming up and on our horizon. We have no stinking clue… which is also the cool part too. How different would you live your life if you knew how the whole thing played out? I don’t think I would make as many mistakes, but that’s when you learn the most so what’s the fun in that?

There was a couple amazing women I was slotted to hire. They both backed out and I was bummed about it. But fast forward and the weeks they were going to be a sales school I was either dealing with the aftermath of Hurricane Harvey or moving out of my house and going through my divorce. I definitely wasn’t in the right head space to take more on my plate when some days just getting through the day was my only concern.

The moral to the story is God knows your story. He is sometimes quiet and holding things back from you for your own good. He knows exactly what you need even if that means a challenge to build your character. Yall, God is so good. He loves you and wants you to live an abundant life. He designed that for you. Each of us have our own story. There are going to be challenges. There are going to be times when you shake your fist at God and feel like he is no where to be found when you may need him the most. But, friend, he is there and it’s okay to do that. I promise. He is controlling everything you can’t see. It reminds me of a play. You are on stage and he is controlling the lights, sound, camera, etc. The whole dang thing.

There are a lot of other times I could go into detail about unanswered prayers… guys I liked that didn’t like me back, opportunities, events, etc. The list could go on and on… and on. When unanswered prayers kept pulling on my heart strings last week I was trying to figure out what he was telling me. I believe it was for a few reasons. One to make me stop and smell the roses. Two to share with someone reading this blog that is in a situation where God isn’t answering their prayers right now. Three as a reminder. If it’s not any of them for you, that’s okay too. I hope you hear on your heart his words that he has you. He has your back and will never bring you to something you can’t get through. He loves you and adores you for all that you are. Heck! He was the one that created you. Go out and let your little light shine, friend! You are beautiful!!

As always, thank you for spending some of your day with me! Have the most amazing week!!

Amanda

Hi friends! For starters, thank you so much for reading my last post and the sweet feedback! It wasn’t easy sharing, but I felt it on my heart to share so thank you for reading. Those of you who reached out you really made my day. Thank yall for being so good to me!

Life isn’t always easy. Life is a challenge and I swear over the past two years I have done some major bending in my life. I am not sure how I haven’t broke yet. Jesus. That’s how. But the growth I have experienced is one you can’t pay for. Something I believe in is always finding the joy. Always finding the happy moments through the biggest storms. Call me overly optimistic. I’ll take it!

My last post was about the tears shed during a tough time. It was a time when my world was rocked. Life knocked me right in the face and gut at the same time. Ouch. So why don’t we change things up a little and talk about some of the good things that came out of tough times? Some of the moments that brought light to my dark days. The memories and oh so sweet life roses. I hope this one makes you smile.

Well for starters, my nephew was born. Braxton. Yall. I am obsessed with him. Obsessed. Pictures and videos of him are taking over my phone. When I need a good laugh I will pull up a video of him laughing. Those sweet baby belly giggles that immediately bring a smile to anyone’s face. He is an angel baby I am convinced. He has brought so much joy to my life and was born at the perfect time. I mean how can you be upset holding a beautiful, happy, sweet baby?? You can’t. Not humanly possible.

I went to counseling and worked on my marriage and myself. I dated my husband again. We had weekly dates that were fun and made me laugh. We did things we always talked about doing. It felt like we were in the early stages of dating again. The ones where you have butterflies, talk all night, text all day, etc. It was like we were high school kids again. I looked forward to our dates every week. I learned counseling is one of the best things you can do for you and your significant other regardless of the outcome. It is the real deal. It is a neutral space where you can express your true feelings and really work on things. If you are having issues, get help. There are so many resources at your finger tips.

I found my very best friends. Most are family. Some are new friends and some are lifelong friends. Yall need to get people like mine. They are the best. They help me. They talk to me when I can’t sleep or just need someone to listen so I can figure something out. They pray for me. They encourage me to lean into Jesus. They make me laugh until I can’t breathe. They are there without judgement. They listen. They support my decisions regardless if they agree or not. They love me for me and encourage me every day to be okay in my own skin. They are my people and I am so thankful for them. They hear thank you’s a lot, but I cannot tell yall how much they bring happy tears to my eyes when I think about my them.

I traveled. I ate good food. I ate dessert. I danced. I laughed. I smiled. I made memories I will cherish for a lifetime. I became more of a yes person than a no person. I gave up the need to control the future. I decided to not care what people thought or what rules I would break. I threw my judgement card right out the window. I found joy in the smallest things. I did embarrassing things and said things that were out of my comfort zone, and I don’t regret them for a second. I looked in the mirror and admitted my own faults. I said sorry. I loved hard. I worried about only Amanda for a hot second and that, my friends, was needed. Most of all, I prayed…a lot. I talked to Jesus all. the. time. I knew he would never bring me to something I couldn’t get through or handle. He knew I was strong enough to get through it, so I leaned into him and trusted. Trusted his timing and plan for my life. I didn’t have to know all the answers for once.

So often I feel like we get so caught up in trying to figure out the future we miss the precious and beautiful moments right in front of us. Look up, friends. Hang up and hang out. Quit scrolling on social media to see what everyone else is doing and start doing the things you have always wanted to do. Go outside. Play like you are a kid again. Laugh until you cry and can’t breathe. Go live your life and enjoy this season you are in. I promise even if it seems like you are in a season that is pitch black, there is a light… it’s in you. You are a light to this world. There is only ONE of you. The world needs you. We need your smile, joy and spirit. Bring the joy and spread your light. Go out and be YOU! We are going to end on that note because sister is about to get on a soap box and we should save that for another day. Agree? Yes. I am glad you do too! As always, thank you so much for reading and spending some of your day with me. I appreciate your support. Go be the light! Have the most amazing day!!

Amanda

Hi friends!! This blog feels like an open space and I don’t know where to start. So what do I do? I pray. I pray for guidance and the words that someone needs to hear. So here we go.

Why the new chapter? Divorced at 27. That’s a chapter I never thought existed in my book. Well plot twist, it does. It would be a chapter of heartbreak, lots of tears, sleepless nights, and finding myself again. An old me with a new voice. Character building as I like to call hard moments/tough days/life circumstances. A chapter that would mold me into the person I am today. A chapter that would give me a different perspective on life and people in the best ways. The chapter that would bring me back to Jesus. The chapter that I would eventually be so thankful for.

I have always been a good kid. The kid that made my bed, made good grades, listened to my parents, and always tried to do the right thing. If you look up traits for the oldest child in the dictionary, you would find my picture next to it. My parents never had to worry about me making bad decisions because I just didn’t. I have the nickname “Golden Child” in my family. Painting the picture yet? I hope so.

You can only imagine what a blow getting a divorce at 27 did to my perfect little plan that was so strategically made by yours truly. I had a 5, 10 and 15 year plan. Go to college, start my career, get married, buy a house, start a family… live a long, happy life with my husband. Be a mama to the sweetest babies around. The whole enchilada and, yall, it. was. perfect.

I went to college, met this wonderful man, moved to Houston, we bought a house, got engaged, got married… my boxes were being checked in perfect order. This is good. The boat is sailing straight and we had a few little storms along the way. (We will talk about one later… a little hurricane called Harvey. That rocked the boat quite a bit. Long story, another day.) Overall, the “Amanda plan” was playing out just like I hoped it would.

Well I am convinced I am a comedian, because I told God that plan over and over again as if I needed to convince him that my plan was better or something like that. A real smart cookie over here! Do yall know what he did? Laughed. Oh my child… just wait. Just wait for MY PLAN.

Over the past year I have shaken my fist at God more than I would like to admit. I have been SO pissed at him. I have questioned him. I have cried curled in a ball saying, “Why?!” over and over again. Why would something like this happen to someone like me? Someone that does the right thing? Um HELLO?! Are you listening?!?!

But yall. Let me tell you what. He was listening. He flipped my boat because I am too damn stubborn to listen when the water was calm. When he told me to get out of the boat I was in, I laughed PHAHAHA good one, Jesus. You are funny. That seems to be the norm though. There may be red flags or things that seem a little off, but we blow them off. I did. I made excuses. I looked the other way. Eventually he will flip your boat too. He will let you bend, but will never let you break.

I am sure you are on the edge of your seat wondering why I got divorced… maybe? Well, friends, I was cheated on and I have always made a promise to myself that if anyone I was dating or married to cheated I would leave. It took me longer than I thought, but I left. I served him with papers and ended my marriage that I cherished so much. I ended the very thing I have always said I wanted. A family. Because how was I ever supposed to keep a promise to someone if I couldn’t keep a promise to myself? How could I ever look at my daughter or son one day and tell them to stay if they were in my same position? Lord knows I would tell them to leave. I would tell them you are strong. You are going to be okay. You can tell them to stick it where the sun doesn’t shine and quite a few other choice words. I would NEVER be okay with someone treating my kids or family that way, so why would I be okay being treated that way??

I was and still am embarrassed. When someone asks about my divorce I always feel the need to justify why it happened because I want them to know I am the strong one and I didn’t mess up. Silly right? You shouldn’t care what people think, right? That’s what people always tell you. Well when it comes to life changing events like a divorce, I care. I didn’t want to be the one people thought messed up. I didn’t want to be the one that failed. I am strong and have my life together. People like that don’t get divorced. False. My plan went straight down the drain. How were people going to look at me? Were people going to see how broken I was? Am I ever going to get married again? Was this my one shot at marriage? Why was this happening to me? Oh the questions and thoughts I told myself.

Remember in my first blog post I told you I would be honest, real and vulnerable? Keep reading my friend. You may have been here before.

The weekend it happened I had a gut feel something was off, but didn’t have proof until months later. I just knew something wasn’t right. Trust your gut… it is never wrong. I questioned myself and everything in between. I replayed every situation, moment, scenario in my head a thousand times to try to figure out how I missed this.

For the first few months after I was cheated on (still didn’t have proof or a confession it was all just a feel), I lost so many hours of sleep. I was sick to my stomach most days and didn’t eat very much. I was so heartbroken I didn’t have an appetite for food or sleep. I would lay in bed stare at the ceiling and cry. I cried in the shower. I cried going to work. I cried in between appointments. I would keep a frozen water bottle in my lunchbox to put on my eyes before I walked into an appointment to reduce the swelling. I cried all the time. One time I cried in a Firehouse Subs because my chip fell on the floor. The crying where you aren’t making any noise, but your body is doing the shoulder shake as if your favorite song came on at the bar. Lord have mercy. Honestly, I didn’t know it was humanly possible to cry that many tears. Seriously. Buckets full.

The thing about crying that much is in the midst of hitting rock bottom, you find your strength. You find Jesus and lean into him harder than you ever have before. You find your best friends and strengthen the bond with your family. You find your voice that turns into a roar. You become this strong, unbreakable person that chooses to get back up regardless of how broken you feel. You put the pieces of your life back together and smile because you are alive with a beating heart and you have a purpose. Your time here isn’t over and you can turn this mess into a message that will help other people. You will show people that you can be strong enough to walk away when people don’t treat you right or see your worth. You show people that there is still good in bad situations. You show people grace and how to love people even when they weren’t the nicest to you. You get vulnerable with people and you let people in. You admit you are a mess and you finally ask for help because you can’t do it alone. It takes a village yall. Your village loves you and wants to be there for you. They want to help, love, support and encourage you. Let them in. Lord knows one day they will need it and when that day comes be there for them. You love them through it. Because the people that stay, are the ones you want to be around. Those are your people.

I wouldn’t wish divorce on anyone. Ever. I am still processing everything and healing. I have more good days than bad. I have a different type of confidence in myself and truly know my worth. I am finally okay with who I am and that, my friends, is the best. I feel at peace and am happier than I have felt in a long time. I think that part has to do with being closer to God and making sure I fill myself with prayer and his word every morning. He will give you super powers. I am so thankful for this life, every trial and hardship I have and will go through. Just remember, friends, your story is already written and it is beautiful, perfect and is made just for you. Thank you for reading and spending some of your day with me! Have the most amazing day!!

Amanda