Hi friends! I have missed you!! A lot has changed since we last connected and I am excited to catch you up. A lot of growth, joy, and smooth sailing. I keep saying I am a little nervous about 2020 because for the first time I am going into a new year in calm waters. No natural disaster, divorce, or finding myself. It is kind of weird and really amazing all at the same time.

One of my friends and mentors at work suggested to write a one page letter to recap my year. Grab your drink, wrap up in your favorite blanket and buckle in, sister. This year has been incredible!

December 21, 2018 I went in front of a judge and made my divorce final. I was relieved, confident in my decision, and proud of myself. I kept promises to myself I have always made and stood on my two feet. My mom went to the courthouse with me and we got breakfast tacos after to celebrate. Later that day I met some of my family and friends for Mexican food and tequila shots. For my friends that couldn’t be there, we FaceTimed while we all celebrated new beginnings. As proud and happy as I was, I was also terrified and knew I had a long road of healing ahead. I was determined 2019 would be MY year. It was my comeback. I would finally do the things I have always said I wanted to do. Friends, I did. I did it all and then some.

I made a goal at the beginning of 2019 to take a trip a month. I went to Orlando, Vegas, Nashville, Marco Island, Lake Charles, two cruises, took long weekends all around Texas, and decided I would be a “yes” person. If I could afford it and didn’t have plans, I was going. I had so. Much. Fun! I didn’t make plans. I would just show up. I am already making my bucket list for 2020.

In 2019 I created friendships that will last a lifetime. I am convinced I met my bridesmaids through divorce. I built stronger friendships with some friends, made new friends and now have this amazing group of women I get to call my best friends. Y’all. My friends are builders. They lift me up, encourage, challenge me, and push me to be better. They also shoot me straight and get into my chili when it is needed. They let me vent and complain, but don’t let me be a pity party. They help me work through it and find a solution. They are Jesus loving, super sweet, and strong women! Everyone needs friends like mine. We are a friend group where everyone has a seat and we will always make more room at the table.

I had my best year at work. I made decisions for myself. Stood on my own two feet. Went to a lot of therapy and did some serious work to heal and work through insecurities and pains. I finally created boundaries in my life and stood by them without having to explain myself. I met someone and he is pretty great. My faith is 10X stronger than it was at the beginning of 2019. I finally feel good in my own skin and learned to love exactly who I am. I acknowledged and accepted I am not defined by past experiences in my life. I was made in the eyes of God and he knew that the world needed me. My heart, mind, spirit and soul. I was selfish with my time and made it a priority to fill my cup. I said no instead of telling people I would let them know. In 2019 I rebuilt a new Amanda and I really like her.

As I round out 2019, I look forward to 2020 and all it will bring. It will be a year of growth, new experiences, new memories and a lot of laughter. I am so thankful for my story and this life I get to live. Friends, enjoy your family time and soak up every second you are alive. Look back on 2019 and smile with how far you have come and your strength to keep on going. Know you are taken care of and you have a lot of people that love and adore you. Believe in yourself, love yourself and be yourself. You are a bright light, sister! Shine on my friend! I wish you and your family a very Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!

Amanda

Hi friends! I cannot believe it is already mid August. Where has this year gone?! On another note I have a feeling like something really good is around the corner. I have been feeling this for a while now. I don’t know what it is. I look forward to it though. As much as I am looking forward to whatever that thing is, I am also terrified on the other hand. See my friends, I have built some major walls and have been told by my close friends and family that I am very guarded. Yup. Hi, that’s me!

Two things I have really struggled with post-divorce is trusting other people and believing the things they say are true and from a genuine place. My initial thought is that they aren’t. I haven’t always had these feelings, but recently they are more common. I have been told this all apart of the healing process.

See I met my ex-husband when I was 19. I wasn’t looking for anything and actually told him I would never date him. Jokes on me! The dating world was different. Guys talked to girls first. Dating apps weren’t a thing. You talked on the phone and took time to get to know someone. The guys courted the girls and it was not super traditional, but definitely more than it is now.

On that same note, I have been raised by a loving mom and dad that have been married 30 plus years and still flirt with each other. It grosses me out sometimes, but my husband better flirt with me like that. I grew up with a dad that loves his girls and would do anything for us. He makes us feel special and cared for. He listens to us ramble about our day. He will air up our tires if they are low and help us pick out outfits for any and every event. He is the ultimate fixer and I swear can fix any problem or anything you bring to him. He still opens our doors and is a southern gentleman. See yall, my dad set the bar. He set the bar high and also raised us not to settle for anything less.

I got on a dating app a few weeks ago. It was fun at first and then I was so weirded out I got off. The conversations, meeting complete strangers online…aka I used every excuse in the book. I keep saying I just want to meet someone naturally like at the grocery store. Um I do curbside. HA!

The dating world is different now. That doesn’t mean I have to lower my standards. I just need to lower some walls and give people a chance. Putting the walls up and being guarded is my defense mechanism to keep people out and to protect myself to not get hurt again. They could be better and be the best thing since sliced bread. I just say no to any opportunity like that. I joke around and say I don’t even let them get on my sidewalk. I keep them in the street. Hi, yeah… you can stop right there. I am really good at keeping people at a distance or pushing people away. I swear it is a talent [insert eye roll].

I am actually going to go to counseling to work through this because I know I can’t do it alone. I need help. I want to be better. I want to let people in. I am just scared. I don’t want to get hurt again. I don’t want my life to be shattered in pieces again right after I feel like I just put it back together. It is like my life is this precious crystal ball with all the pieces carefully glued and taped back together. It’s not perfect and frankly looks like a Pinterest fail, but it is back together to say the least. I have spent hours, days, weeks and months putting the pieces back and I don’t trust anyone else with that ball, but me. I want to be able to trust someone again to hand them that crystal ball. I just know it will take time.

I am a work in progress and working to be better every day. Sometimes you need outside help to be better. Friends, don’t be afraid to ask for help. Sometimes it takes more strength to ask for help versus internally trying to figure it out. Be brave!

As always, thank you for spending some of your day with me. I am so grateful for each and every one of you. Go make someone’s day and spread the joy!

Amanda

Hi friends! This post has been heavy on my heart for the past couple of weeks. This one will be a little different. I just feel it in my bones that someone needs to read this, so this one is for you sweet friend.

I have no clue what you are going through and the daily struggles you are dealing with. You hide it so well. You put your biggest smile on your face and you are really good at saying everything is okay when it isn’t. You want to tell someone your struggles, but won’t. You are the strong friend. You are the one that keeps it together. You are too embarrassed to let people in on your struggles. I have been there. I know how you feel and trust me that is just scratching the surface of how you really feel.

Something the world is severely lacking these days is people being raw, real, unapologetic, and 100% themselves. Sister, the world needs YOU! The world needs your brokenness, your heartache, your smile, your tears, your spunky little personality, your joy, your laughter, your anger, your everything, your story. We need YOU! You, my friend, bring something to people’s lives that no one else can bring. God created you… only one of you. You are alive and have a purpose. Your time isn’t over.

Who knows what your purpose is… you don’t have to have it figured out. Soak up the moment and enjoy the journey. Enjoy right where you are…even if it is a dark time. I truly believe everything happens for a reason. You are no mistake! You are a blessing!

It will be hard for you to let people in. Let them in. Get vulnerable with them, say something deep and honest. It may throw them off guard… oh well. Try it! Nothing like a little curve ball and something to break up the mundane response when people ask how you are doing,”I’m good! I am so busy!”

Listen up! You are human. Life is not peaches, roses and butterflies all the time. It gets really tough at times. You don’t have to share everything, but share something. Let someone be there to listen and love you through it. You have NO clue how much of an influence you have on them. You have NO clue how much you are inspiring them.

You are brave. You are bold. You are important! You matter!

Just a friendly reminder…. God’s timing is perfect. He may be a little slow at times according to you. He will never let you down. He has your back. He loves you! Trust him and his timing.

Friend, hold your head high. Walk with class, grace and smile through the mess. You are a rock star!! You are one hell of a person! Know that there are a lot of people cheering for you and praying for you. I am!! Make choices and decisions that make you happy. That bring you joy… whatever it is. Don’t apologize for being you…ever. You rock on with your bad self and keep on doing the dang thing. You inspire me. You encourage me to be better. I am not the only one that thinks that. Trust me.

I don’t know why I felt the need to type this little note to you. Heck, I don’t know who needs to read it. I just know it was super heavy on my heart and I needed to write it. Heart tugs, so someone can experience a God wink.

As always, thanks for spending some of your day with me. Go do you boo! Have an incredible day and do at least ONE thing today to brighten someone else’s day. You will be amazed how big of a smile it will bring to your face. Bring the joy and spread it around!

Amanda

P.S. – Friend, you got this! Stay strong. Find the joy. You are beautiful!!

Hi friends! Remember a while ago when I told you I promised to keep it real and be vulnerable with you? Well ya girl is staying true to her word. This one is tough for me to write. It makes me nervous and I immediately make the teeth clinching emoji face. The last thing I want is for you to feel sorry for me. I am not a fan of any of that. I just want you to know if you have felt the same way at one point you are not alone.

Well friends… I had a M E L T D O W N today. Like crying, pissed, I hate everything meltdown. See I am not cute when I cry. My eyes, nose and basically entire face get red. Everyone I come into contact with can get one look and see I was crying. Enough about that! Ya get the point. But really bless my mama’s heart because she listened to me cry on the phone and kept telling me to pull over because I was driving. I love my mom. She is money. Always there and always a listening ear!

Why the meltdown? I get really sad some days thinking about what my life was like a little over a year ago. I had the house, husband, blah, blah, blah. I don’t have that right now. I also have a job that is demanding and not the most fun at times. Why is it when one thing goes wrong the domino effect seems to happen? Fun fact about Amanda: I genuinely care a lot about people… that would include my clients. I am also terribly hard on myself. So I would say that’s a hip hip hooray for that combo!

Well today I had clients pissed off at me or my company what seemed to be from every direction, left and right. Well when that happened I got REAL down and took it personally. I messed up. Can I even do my job? Why am I putting up with this crap? I don’t get paid enough to deal with this. I suck at this job. Everyone hates me. The list went on. I just kept going on and on and on. The whole spiral effect where one negative thing happens and next thing you know the world is ending. That is a little dramatic, but it sure as heck felt that way and I was talking like it was. Gosh… typing this is making my cringe. I am letting yall in on another level of insecurities when I am d o w n. yikes.

Well everyone always says your job is tied to so much of your life. Yes. I spend a solid 40-60 hours a week on my job. Closer to the 60 mark most weeks. Regardless, today I had clients pissed off at me, my calendar was changing left and right with cancellations, and all of a sudden I was extra emotional about my life outside of work. Down. In. THE. DUMPS. Again… my poor mama. We all know I was hurt from all that happened to me. Heart broken. It made me build some pretty big walls pretty quick. I am not quick to trust people and definitely guard my heart to not get hurt again. Well when I was in the dumps you want to hear what I was saying to myself? Gosh, I hope you have AT least said/thought one of these things when you were feeling low and then quickly forgot about it.

I told myself…I would rather be alone with my two dogs. I can handle that. When I close my eyes and visualize my life five years from now I am alone in a super cute house, everything is hard for me and it is just a struggle. I just want something to come easy for me. Everyone else is killin’ it and living their best life and I am on the struggle bus. I am heavier than I have ever been, but all my clothes still fit which makes no sense. I feel so empty and alone. I keep it together all the time when in reality I am screaming on the inside. I struggle getting out of bed some days and dread having to function like a normal adult. That’s a pretty summed up version of what I said out loud.

What I said on the inside of my head was worse. I would immediately cut a sister off if she talked to me like I talked to myself today. I would look at her like she had two heads talking to me like that. Ready? [insert embarrassed emoji face] I am not worthy to be with someone or have the things I want in life. Who would want to be with someone like me? I am too direct and straight forward. I am fat, ugly and meh. I am better off alone. I had my chance at marriage and blew it. I have such an exciting life ahead of me… not. This list also goes on. Yall. Not nice and not EVEN CLOSE TO BEING TRUE. I am a freaking mean girl to myself. It’s terrible and really embarrassing to put this out there. I have thought about deleting this entire blog post multiple times already. I just feel a pull someone needs to read it and I see a God wink coming for someone. I will be vulnerable to help you even if I am cringing the entire time I am writing it.

Yall I cried multiple times today and was a mess. I was sad. I was and am still hurting. Divorce sucks. It is awful. Sometimes I wish it would show up on your body like an actual wound so you could treat it and make it better. People could see you are hurt and are in the process of healing. It unfortunately is not. It is a wound though that needs care and treatment. It needs to be acknowledged. OR I could just wear a band aid on my face everyday and rock it out like Nelly. Lord have mercy!!

I am thankful for my mom picking up her phone to listen to me cry as I spiraled with negative thoughts and words. It’s okay to be sad and upset. It is okay to hurt. It is just not okay if you don’t get back up and try again tomorrow. If you just decide to quit. It doesn’t matter how many times you fall down or stumble, all that matters is how many times you get back up. Just repeated that twice, so right click save as to that memory bank of yours.

Some days will feel like you got hit by a freight train full of emotions, doubt, sadness and hurt. Some days you will feel like you got hit by a freight train full of rainbows, smiles, happiness and peace. I will continue to have bad, rough and tough days. They are far and few in between which is nice. When they come, they come with a vengeance and I feel like I take 20 steps back in my progress to being 100% healed.

Mark my words I will always get back up and try again tomorrow. I will push forward and keeping fighting through the bull shit regardless how I feel. Life is worth living and doing. It is messy. There are rain storms. There are life circumstances that happen and destroy your plan you had. Let yourself have the feelings and then get back up and be better tomorrow. If you aren’t feeling better tomorrow and it is rough again, just get through the day. Make it to bed again. It does get better and you will start having more good days than bad.

Thank you for staying with me on this one! It is not fun to spill all your beans to the world about the thoughts you have inside your head. It is scary and a lot of fear of rejection/judgement fill my mind. As I have said on this blog before, I promised to be honest and vulnerable. Another thing is I try to be is obedient to God’s calling and push towards writing on whatever topic he puts on my heart. I truly believe it is being used to give the right people the message they need to hear. Lean in sister, he is talking to you.

Again, NO pity party for me! Please do not feel sorry for me. If you have been here before or said mean things to yourself, just say something nice next time. Uplift your spirits and be kind. Also grieve and allow yourself to feel the feelings you are experiencing. You’ve got this, sweet friend!!

Thank you so much for spending some of your day with me! Means the world to me! Have a great week!! Talk again soon!

Amanda

Hi friends! It’s been a while again. I have got amazing feedback from so many of you about this blog. Yall encourage me to write, so thank you. Memorial Day weekend was the one year anniversary of when I decided to leave my husband. I made it a year. One year of living, laughing, learning, and surviving. I had lot of doubt when I first left. I lived with him for a majority of our relationship. We split all the bills and when I struggled he would pick up the slack. How on Earth was I going to do it by myself? I just did. I figured out a way. We always figure out a way to deal with the lemons life throws at us. Sometimes we throw them back, make lemonade, or even mix it with Vodka. I mean you do what you have to do.

Over the past year I read my bible a lot. I would hold it and pray,”Okay, God… what do you want to tell me today?” I would open it and whatever my eyes went to first that is what I read. Normally it was spot on and there were other times when I would read about the ancestry of someone and was just confused. Yeah… I am not picking up what you are putting down there, Lord. A lot of times I would read scripture that would be summed up as one day things are going to be so good you will only to be able to say it was from me. When I would read that I always knew it would be one day. He provides and is so good. I figured it would be a long time from now…when I was married, had children, the house, job, family, friends… you know the whole American Dream thing. That. (Make no mistake when that time comes I will be really happy about it because that is what I want… keep reading though.)

Well, friends, that time is now. I am single as a pringle as my best friend, Ashley, likes to say. I have the most amazing family and friends a girl could ask for. I am a constant work in progress. I laugh at myself daily. I make mistakes. I feel lonely sometimes. I am workin’ on my fitness because sister is a little too squishy for her liking. I have a job I enjoy a majority of the time with incredible clients. I have the sweetest fur babes that are the best to come home to. I travel and live life. I realized all of this when I dropped my two sweet friends off at the airport Memorial Day weekend just a few weeks ago. It was a light-bulb moment or a moment (as I like to say) when God throws bricks at your head.

The funny thing about the entire thing is that a year ago I had an incredible amount of doubt about life in general and would I ever be with someone again. Because I thought that was what would make me happy. False. False. False. Are you listening, sister?? YOU. have. to. make. yourself. happy. YOU!

I used to get so annoyed when people would say this to me because um hello…. people do make me happy. They bring me joy and laughter. They definitely do. That’s the cherry on top. Your happiness comes from deciding who you spend your time with, what you do in that time, not apologizing for who you are, and most of all making the choice to be happy regardless of the current situation. That’s what they mean by you have to make yourself happy.

Insert eye roll. That was my exact reaction for so many years until I was living right in the middle of it. Until I was the one that was making myself happy. When I was driving home from the airport Memorial Day I was thanking God for the wonderful people in my life and the growth I have experienced this year. I also heard the sweetest words on my heart…”this is just the beginning my child.” Still gives me goosebumps and makes me smile to this day.

One day I know I will meet and marry an incredible man that simply adores me. He will laugh at my quirks and goofy personality. He will love my family, friends, and dogs. He will pray for me and encourage me in my walk with the Lord. He will challenge me and support me. He will build me up so I can soar like an eagle. He will be the man I have prayed for. I know that if I am not able to have children myself God will bring children into my life. I know that he will continue to bring friends and family that encourage, support and love. I know he will bring me through hard times to remind me and make me appreciate the good times. He will teach me lessons to give me wisdom. He will continue to bless me in ways I didn’t think were possible. I know all of this because I believe that God is the most amazing Father. He wants me to live an abundant and full life. I know this because of my faith in him. My trust in him.

I know each season is so special in its own way. Some are good. Some are hard. Some are just plain awful. They all bring something to offer. Enjoy the season you are in. Find the joy in it all even when it is hard. You are brave and strong, my sweet friend. Until we talk again!

As always, thank you so much for spending some of your day with me! I hope you read these posts and they make you smile. I hope you read them and know I am cheering for you. Have the most amazing week!

Amanda