Hi friends! Remember a while ago when I told you I promised to keep it real and be vulnerable with you? Well ya girl is staying true to her word. This one is tough for me to write. It makes me nervous and I immediately make the teeth clinching emoji face. The last thing I want is for you to feel sorry for me. I am not a fan of any of that. I just want you to know if you have felt the same way at one point you are not alone.

Well friends… I had a M E L T D O W N today. Like crying, pissed, I hate everything meltdown. See I am not cute when I cry. My eyes, nose and basically entire face get red. Everyone I come into contact with can get one look and see I was crying. Enough about that! Ya get the point. But really bless my mama’s heart because she listened to me cry on the phone and kept telling me to pull over because I was driving. I love my mom. She is money. Always there and always a listening ear!

Why the meltdown? I get really sad some days thinking about what my life was like a little over a year ago. I had the house, husband, blah, blah, blah. I don’t have that right now. I also have a job that is demanding and not the most fun at times. Why is it when one thing goes wrong the domino effect seems to happen? Fun fact about Amanda: I genuinely care a lot about people… that would include my clients. I am also terribly hard on myself. So I would say that’s a hip hip hooray for that combo!

Well today I had clients pissed off at me or my company what seemed to be from every direction, left and right. Well when that happened I got REAL down and took it personally. I messed up. Can I even do my job? Why am I putting up with this crap? I don’t get paid enough to deal with this. I suck at this job. Everyone hates me. The list went on. I just kept going on and on and on. The whole spiral effect where one negative thing happens and next thing you know the world is ending. That is a little dramatic, but it sure as heck felt that way and I was talking like it was. Gosh… typing this is making my cringe. I am letting yall in on another level of insecurities when I am d o w n. yikes.

Well everyone always says your job is tied to so much of your life. Yes. I spend a solid 40-60 hours a week on my job. Closer to the 60 mark most weeks. Regardless, today I had clients pissed off at me, my calendar was changing left and right with cancellations, and all of a sudden I was extra emotional about my life outside of work. Down. In. THE. DUMPS. Again… my poor mama. We all know I was hurt from all that happened to me. Heart broken. It made me build some pretty big walls pretty quick. I am not quick to trust people and definitely guard my heart to not get hurt again. Well when I was in the dumps you want to hear what I was saying to myself? Gosh, I hope you have AT least said/thought one of these things when you were feeling low and then quickly forgot about it.

I told myself…I would rather be alone with my two dogs. I can handle that. When I close my eyes and visualize my life five years from now I am alone in a super cute house, everything is hard for me and it is just a struggle. I just want something to come easy for me. Everyone else is killin’ it and living their best life and I am on the struggle bus. I am heavier than I have ever been, but all my clothes still fit which makes no sense. I feel so empty and alone. I keep it together all the time when in reality I am screaming on the inside. I struggle getting out of bed some days and dread having to function like a normal adult. That’s a pretty summed up version of what I said out loud.

What I said on the inside of my head was worse. I would immediately cut a sister off if she talked to me like I talked to myself today. I would look at her like she had two heads talking to me like that. Ready? [insert embarrassed emoji face] I am not worthy to be with someone or have the things I want in life. Who would want to be with someone like me? I am too direct and straight forward. I am fat, ugly and meh. I am better off alone. I had my chance at marriage and blew it. I have such an exciting life ahead of me… not. This list also goes on. Yall. Not nice and not EVEN CLOSE TO BEING TRUE. I am a freaking mean girl to myself. It’s terrible and really embarrassing to put this out there. I have thought about deleting this entire blog post multiple times already. I just feel a pull someone needs to read it and I see a God wink coming for someone. I will be vulnerable to help you even if I am cringing the entire time I am writing it.

Yall I cried multiple times today and was a mess. I was sad. I was and am still hurting. Divorce sucks. It is awful. Sometimes I wish it would show up on your body like an actual wound so you could treat it and make it better. People could see you are hurt and are in the process of healing. It unfortunately is not. It is a wound though that needs care and treatment. It needs to be acknowledged. OR I could just wear a band aid on my face everyday and rock it out like Nelly. Lord have mercy!!

I am thankful for my mom picking up her phone to listen to me cry as I spiraled with negative thoughts and words. It’s okay to be sad and upset. It is okay to hurt. It is just not okay if you don’t get back up and try again tomorrow. If you just decide to quit. It doesn’t matter how many times you fall down or stumble, all that matters is how many times you get back up. Just repeated that twice, so right click save as to that memory bank of yours.

Some days will feel like you got hit by a freight train full of emotions, doubt, sadness and hurt. Some days you will feel like you got hit by a freight train full of rainbows, smiles, happiness and peace. I will continue to have bad, rough and tough days. They are far and few in between which is nice. When they come, they come with a vengeance and I feel like I take 20 steps back in my progress to being 100% healed.

Mark my words I will always get back up and try again tomorrow. I will push forward and keeping fighting through the bull shit regardless how I feel. Life is worth living and doing. It is messy. There are rain storms. There are life circumstances that happen and destroy your plan you had. Let yourself have the feelings and then get back up and be better tomorrow. If you aren’t feeling better tomorrow and it is rough again, just get through the day. Make it to bed again. It does get better and you will start having more good days than bad.

Thank you for staying with me on this one! It is not fun to spill all your beans to the world about the thoughts you have inside your head. It is scary and a lot of fear of rejection/judgement fill my mind. As I have said on this blog before, I promised to be honest and vulnerable. Another thing is I try to be is obedient to God’s calling and push towards writing on whatever topic he puts on my heart. I truly believe it is being used to give the right people the message they need to hear. Lean in sister, he is talking to you.

Again, NO pity party for me! Please do not feel sorry for me. If you have been here before or said mean things to yourself, just say something nice next time. Uplift your spirits and be kind. Also grieve and allow yourself to feel the feelings you are experiencing. You’ve got this, sweet friend!!

Thank you so much for spending some of your day with me! Means the world to me! Have a great week!! Talk again soon!

Amanda

Hi friends! It’s been a while again. I have got amazing feedback from so many of you about this blog. Yall encourage me to write, so thank you. Memorial Day weekend was the one year anniversary of when I decided to leave my husband. I made it a year. One year of living, laughing, learning, and surviving. I had lot of doubt when I first left. I lived with him for a majority of our relationship. We split all the bills and when I struggled he would pick up the slack. How on Earth was I going to do it by myself? I just did. I figured out a way. We always figure out a way to deal with the lemons life throws at us. Sometimes we throw them back, make lemonade, or even mix it with Vodka. I mean you do what you have to do.

Over the past year I read my bible a lot. I would hold it and pray,”Okay, God… what do you want to tell me today?” I would open it and whatever my eyes went to first that is what I read. Normally it was spot on and there were other times when I would read about the ancestry of someone and was just confused. Yeah… I am not picking up what you are putting down there, Lord. A lot of times I would read scripture that would be summed up as one day things are going to be so good you will only to be able to say it was from me. When I would read that I always knew it would be one day. He provides and is so good. I figured it would be a long time from now…when I was married, had children, the house, job, family, friends… you know the whole American Dream thing. That. (Make no mistake when that time comes I will be really happy about it because that is what I want… keep reading though.)

Well, friends, that time is now. I am single as a pringle as my best friend, Ashley, likes to say. I have the most amazing family and friends a girl could ask for. I am a constant work in progress. I laugh at myself daily. I make mistakes. I feel lonely sometimes. I am workin’ on my fitness because sister is a little too squishy for her liking. I have a job I enjoy a majority of the time with incredible clients. I have the sweetest fur babes that are the best to come home to. I travel and live life. I realized all of this when I dropped my two sweet friends off at the airport Memorial Day weekend just a few weeks ago. It was a light-bulb moment or a moment (as I like to say) when God throws bricks at your head.

The funny thing about the entire thing is that a year ago I had an incredible amount of doubt about life in general and would I ever be with someone again. Because I thought that was what would make me happy. False. False. False. Are you listening, sister?? YOU. have. to. make. yourself. happy. YOU!

I used to get so annoyed when people would say this to me because um hello…. people do make me happy. They bring me joy and laughter. They definitely do. That’s the cherry on top. Your happiness comes from deciding who you spend your time with, what you do in that time, not apologizing for who you are, and most of all making the choice to be happy regardless of the current situation. That’s what they mean by you have to make yourself happy.

Insert eye roll. That was my exact reaction for so many years until I was living right in the middle of it. Until I was the one that was making myself happy. When I was driving home from the airport Memorial Day I was thanking God for the wonderful people in my life and the growth I have experienced this year. I also heard the sweetest words on my heart…”this is just the beginning my child.” Still gives me goosebumps and makes me smile to this day.

One day I know I will meet and marry an incredible man that simply adores me. He will laugh at my quirks and goofy personality. He will love my family, friends, and dogs. He will pray for me and encourage me in my walk with the Lord. He will challenge me and support me. He will build me up so I can soar like an eagle. He will be the man I have prayed for. I know that if I am not able to have children myself God will bring children into my life. I know that he will continue to bring friends and family that encourage, support and love. I know he will bring me through hard times to remind me and make me appreciate the good times. He will teach me lessons to give me wisdom. He will continue to bless me in ways I didn’t think were possible. I know all of this because I believe that God is the most amazing Father. He wants me to live an abundant and full life. I know this because of my faith in him. My trust in him.

I know each season is so special in its own way. Some are good. Some are hard. Some are just plain awful. They all bring something to offer. Enjoy the season you are in. Find the joy in it all even when it is hard. You are brave and strong, my sweet friend. Until we talk again!

As always, thank you so much for spending some of your day with me! I hope you read these posts and they make you smile. I hope you read them and know I am cheering for you. Have the most amazing week!

Amanda

Hi friends! I have missed you! I went on a cruise a few weeks ago. Let’s just say it was so nice to unplug for a few days and to be tan again. I don’t know why, but I always feel better about myself when I am tan. If you can’t tone it, tan it! I love getting away and sitting in the sun. It is one of my most favorite things to do on the planet. I am very outgoing and will talk to anyone. At the same time, I recharge being alone and getting away. There have been some days I will sit in silence and stare at the ceiling. I just need to stop and chill out sometimes. Vacation does wonders for my soul.

I am learning that I am a “give it all” kind of person…to other people. I will help people, I believe in them more than they believe in themselves, go out of my way for people I care about, jump through hoops and climb mountains for those people. The problem is I don’t do that for myself. Ehh.

On the cruise we had the late dinner, and we were open to sitting with other people. The first night it was just us, but then the second night there was a guy sitting at our table. We started making small talk. You know the norm, “Where are you from? What do you do for work?” Surface level. Well he was a marriage and child counselor. Can yall guess what happened? Therapy session at dinner and guess who was in the hot seat? Me.

When you have someone, a complete stranger, call you on your crap and ask you the hard questions you think about things outside of the conversation. One thing that stuck with me was that I am really good at keeping people at a distance. I don’t let people in because I am terrified of getting hurt again, so I don’t even give them a chance. They could be the best thing since sliced bread, but in my world I don’t even give them a chance to see if they are. If I am being honest with myself, the friends I have in my life right now have all showed up in huge ways and didn’t let me push them away so I let them in and keep them there. Lord knows I hold on to them tight! When it comes to other people, nope. Especially new guys in my life… hell to the no. Of course, when you look at things outside-in you get real with yourself and peel back a couple layers of the onion. You also give yourself the cold hard truth… you know the conversations your real friends will have with you when they call you on your crap. Those. Here we go, friends.

Why am I so scared of being hurt? It isn’t fun. It is forever though? No. Do you grow and learn a lot through times of hurt? Yes. So WHY on Earth do I choose to stay with what is comfortable and not as scary?? Because it’s easier than getting hurt (duh!), which is so ass backwards it’s not even funny.

How do babies learn to walk? By falling a million times and getting back up until one day they stay up. Once they know how to walk, they never look back. That is how it could be for me and you. Really, it can be. It makes me queasy saying that because there is a lot of doubt in my mind when I say it can be like that. To let people in, not look back at your past experiences, and to move forward without fear. Do you feel the same?

Yall I will be the first to admit and my friends would all agree with me that I stop people at my driveway and tell them not to come any further. You are good right there! Something I am trying to be better about is letting people in and letting people pour into me like I do to them. Here’s the funny thing: I would be friends with anyone and love them like they were family. I would cheer them on, listen to them vent, cry or ramble on about random things like the weather, traffic, food, or whatever was on their little hearts. I would encourage and build them up to actually believe in themselves. I would be there for them whenever. I am the friend they could call at 3am and I would answer. They may have to call a couple of times because if you remember I do not get up on my first alarm. My alarm is the same sound as my ringtone, so you may have to call a few times. Eventually I would answer. I would talk to them or whatever they needed. I would be there until they were okay. I would just have a lot of coffee the next day. I am and would be that friend.

So why don’t I let people be that friend to me? I do and trust me I have amazing friends. BUT how many people are out there that could use a friend like me and how many people out there could be a friend like that to me? Probably a lot.

Yall. Jesus loved everyone. He tells us to love him and love our neighbor. Not to judge them or criticize them for whatever you think is right or wrong. Just love them for them. I have always said I would rather have quality over quantity and that is still true to this day. I don’t know about you, but I don’t have a number on how many quality people I can have in my life. The more the merrier. Right?

My challenge to you and me (because we are in this together) is to put yourself out there. Let people in. Be a good and true friend to people so they have a chance to be a good and true friend to you. Love people for exactly who they are. Challenge them and encourage them. Be present.

Yall, it’s not easy and there will be times you doubt your self-worth and abilities so much you want to just hide in your house. Be brave my sweet friend. God has your back and I cannot tell you enough that your perfect and beautiful story is already written. He knows the ending and will NEVER bring you to something you can’t get through. If people hurt you, forgive them, be kind and move on. You are strong! You are smart! You are kind! You can change lives and make a difference. You do make a difference. Believe it and go be the good in the world. Be the friend that shows up and is there. Be the friend that jumps through hoops for them. Be the friend that listens and encourages. Be the friend you would want them to be to you.

As always, thank you for spending some of your day with me! It means so much! Have a wonderful rest of your week!! Talk again soon!

Amanda

Hi friends! It has been a while since I have wrote a new blog post. To be totally transparent I have had no clue what to write about. I am a very routine person. I pretty much do the same thing every day. I have a couple fun trips coming up, but as of right now I workout, work, hang out with family and friends and sleep. It cracks me up because sometimes I get on social media and scrolling through I immediately get thoughts that I live a pretty boring life. Well guess what friends, I do. I am okay with that. It isn’t filled with tons of trips, perfect pictures, and a super rockin’ bod. My life is filled with hard work, a lot of coffee/tea, many laughs with friends and family, fun memories made doing simple life things, eating sweets every day (#foodie or #sweetie – can we make that a thing?) and having a really good routine for myself. Which if I had to guess a lot of us live a pretty simple life. Some people may look at simple as “not living” well false my friend. I strongly disagree.

Every day that I am able to hit snooze about 10 times before getting up (it may not be ten, but lord have mercy some mornings it feels like that…it’s more like 5. I am not a person that can wake up on the first alarm. Nope. Not happening. It’s a quirk!), is a gift. Being able to sleep in a super comfy bed, A/C keeping us cool, electricity to turn on lights, alarm clocks, coffee maker, etc., my sweet fur babes snuggled in bed with me, and being able to wake up in my apartment is a dang gift. Every single day I get the gift of waking up I am thankful. I get another day to live, laugh and do my best. It is the first indication my time here is not done.

Now I am a positive person 90-95% of the time. A little Positive Polly. Now I am also a little Negative Nelly some days too. Sometimes I wake up on the wrong side of the bed and am just annoyed. Like meh. Grr. Gah. BUT it is my choice to decide how my day is going to go. Ya feel me??

Exhibit A: Last week I completely slept through my alarm(s) and was late to work. Traffic was a bear which made it worse. Finally got to work and was headed to my first appointment… check tire pressure light came on. Are you freaking kidding me?? Is this real life?! Yes, it is. Oh how sweet it is! I immediately took my car to Discount Tire nearby. Had a nail. Yay. I knew I was getting close to needing to replace my tires. The tread on my front tires was lower than the back. The nail was in the back tire, so I had them replace all four tires. I am in my car so much I would rather be safe than sorry. I am so thankful I was in the financial position to be able to put four new tires on my car and not hesitate. My newest partner at work, Darcey, drove to our appointments that day. We got a sale, had pizza for lunch, delivered some clothes and ended our day on a high note booking appointments. I went home to my sweet fur babes, worked out, made myself a yummy dinner and went to sleep. It was a full day, but a good day. I could have let my morning ruin the rest of my day, but instead I just laughed and found the joy in it. I found the positive in what was a negative. Friends, you have a choice. Choose wisely.

Another fun comparison game I like play is scrolling through social media and thinking I am less than what I am. Friends, I know you have heard it 100 times, but I am here to tell you again… People ONLY post the highlight reel of their life. The good times. MOST people do not post the bad or ugly in their life. Most pictures are edited, the angle and lighting is just right… yall know the deal. I find myself looking at pictures thinking I wish I could look like her, have that relationship, eat that food, live in that house, etc. Again… yall know what I mean. Friends, I don’t know how to pose for pictures (awkward turtle status over here), I have wrinkles, have messy hair, get pimples, am squishy in areas I wish were more toned, have a slight double chin when I laugh really hard because I squish my whole face, and am not the best at editing pictures. I am enjoying the season I am in regardless if I am lonely sometimes. I am learning how to be happy within and doing the things I want to do. I eat healthy food and junk food. I love to cook and do well most of the time, but lord knows I have burned and ruined food which was followed by a grilled cheese or a quick run to Whataburger to save the day. I love my apartment and how it is decorated. It is my little safe place I call home. This little life of mine is so precious and I so cherish the good, bad, and ugly. I am not anywhere near perfect and I love that. I am goofy and have my own quirks. I love who I am and that I am a constant work in progress.

Friends, find the joy. Love your life and yourself. Be brave and be vulnerable. Show people YOU and all that you are. Don’t apologize for your quirks, goofy ways, messy house or life. Embrace it! You will surprise yourself how many people will stick around. The ones that don’t… fu@$ em’ and pray the door doesn’t hit them on their way out. You are incredible! Don’t forget that!

As always, thanks for hanging out with me a little today. Have the most amazing week and don’t forget… you have a choice on how you react to things. Talk soon!

Amanda

Hi friends! Today is a very special day because someone very special in my life is celebrating a birthday!! My good ole’ dad. My first love. The man I look up to. My best friend. The fixer of everything. The guy that always knows exactly what to say or do. My goof ball of a dad. He is the very best and I am so blessed to have grown up with him as my dad. I figured I would tell yall a little more about the man that means so incredibly much to me. This one you may want to grab a cup of coffee or wine. If you are a mom or emotional, you may want to grab a tissue too. Thanks for helping me celebrate him today, friend. This is what life is all about. This right here. The people next to you.

Yall! My dad is A NUT! A complete goof ball who has zero filter. He is a straight shooter and just always tells it like he sees it…whether you agree or not. Sometimes it stings, but a majority of the time he hits the nail on the head with the words he says. You can always count on a honest opinion from him. I cherish his advice and words.

My dad is a doer. My mom, sister and I are convinced he doesn’t know how to stop and do nothing for a day. He is always on the go and doing something. It used to be annoying when we were younger, but man am I thankful to be raised by a man that does what he says he is going to do. If he doesn’t know how to fix something, Lord knows he is going to find a way. He is resourceful and always taught us to be that way too. He would always say,”Don’t tell me why you can’t, just let me know when you have it figured out.”

My dad is just a good man. He is loyal. He is kind. He is loving. He is patient… very patient. Having a house full of girls he had to be. He is attentive. He is understanding and supportive. He will get in your chili when needed, but you know it is always coming from a place of love. He leads with love…always. He is a teacher and teaches us how to do/fix things. My dad encourages us to be better and strive for more. He has raised us to be independent contributors to society.

Something so sweet about my dad is how he treats my mom. My dad LOVES and adores my mom. He still flirts with her after 30+ years of marriage. They are the cutest, yall. He takes care of my mom and she takes care of him. What a sweet marriage they have. He is a man that has set a high bar for other men in my life and a man I look up to. The man I hope is around for a very long time. We have a running bet that he has to live to be 90 and then he can check out. Regardless of his time here, I am just thankful for each time I spend with him or talk to him. The moments with my dad are ones I cherish so very much.

My dad always works hard inside and out of the home. We were always some of the first kids dropped off at daycare and the last ones to be picked up. My dad would always make us a priority. Even to this day he does. I could go on and on and on about how great I think my dad is, but something so fun about blogging is being able to go back and read things you wrote about. I know my dad is great. He always has been. Something I want to cherish are the memories I have made with him. The moments he showed up in big ways. The moments that seemed so small to him that were so big to me. Want to hear a few?

My dad is my workout buddy. I have been working out with him since I was 12. On the weekends I would help him with chores and whatever else he needed help with. I enjoyed chores because it meant I got to spend time with him. Sometimes I was exhausted and over it, but my little heart was so happy spending time with him. Another fun fact about me, quality time is my number one love language. Coincidence… I think not.

When I was younger my dad had a rule (he had a lot of rules), but this was one.. if we ever needed to talk and it didn’t matter what time of the day it was he would stop what he was doing and listen to us. We called them fireside chats. They were heart-to-hearts and whatever was said in that conversation… stayed. Junior high was tough for me and those fireside chats kept me alive. They kept me going. I knew at the end of the day my parents loved me and would always be there for me. Fireside chats still are a thing today. He always makes time to talk to me. Something that means so much to me is that he calls me a couple times a week on his way home from work. He knows I am at home alone and nights are when my mind races the most. He calls and we talk for about an hour. We talk about everything and anything, solve the worlds problems or just talk about our days. Yall, these calls are the best. They make my day.

My dad raised me to be independent. Very independent. He taught me how to manage a house and all the responsibilities that come with it, manage my money, work hard at my job and work towards the things I want, be a good person, how to fix things, and be resourceful. The list is never ending. He made it to where I didn’t need a man to take care of things… that would just be a bonus… I could do things on my own. I actually had the nickname “Mule” for a while because I was his helper for all projects. Putting in the sprinkler system, fixing sprinkler heads, moving heavy tile boxes, moving furniture, mowing yards, etc. I was his work horse… or mule… I like work horse better though – ha!

Something that has always stuck with me are certain sayings he always says. He used to tell me,”Quitting is not an option.” He would push me to be better, drive me to all my sports/karate classes, practice with me and he taught me that anything you want you can have if you work for it. Sometimes if you aren’t the best you need to spend more time getting better. It is always easy when you know and if there is a will there is a way. Both of my parents worked and were always pulled in 50 different directions, but they made time for us. To help us be better in every area of our life. As an adult, thank God!! I am SO thankful they took the time when we were younger to be present in our lives and SO thankful to this day they still are!

My dad and I got our black belts together. We water-ski together. We hang out and go out dancing together. My dad is so much fun!! He has helped me move. He helped me muck out our house when it flooded from Hurricane Harvey. He picks up my dogs when they babysit them. He workouts with me. He listens to me. He supports me and encourages me. He is my biggest cheerleader and someone I admire so much!! My dad is one of the best men I know and I hit the jackpot when God chose me to be his daughter. Yall, I could go on and on and on and on and on about my dad. I could sit and tell you so many stories of how goofy we are, times he has been there in big and little ways, how great he is, advice he has given, and then some. He is my best friend and I will love him forever and always! Happy birthday to my sweet dad!! May this year be incredible!!

Just a heads up you will hear about him a lot on this blog so just get ready. Thank you for reading and spending some of your day with me, friends! Be the joy and shine bright! This life is so sweet… even when it beating you up a little. Hang in there! Have an amazing day!!

Amanda