Hi friends! I have so many posts, 14 to be exact, in draft mode. I get distracted, writer’s block, or I just don’t like the way they are flowing. I do wish I blogged on a more consistent basis. I just don’t know what to write about. Any ideas are greatly appreciated!

Fun fact! I used to have a different blog. It was basically an online journal of my adventures. I did weekly linkups which are themed posts and a way to connect to other bloggers. They would range from your favorite things, weekend recaps, etc. I really enjoyed reading back on old posts because it was a walk down memory lane. I deleted that blog and all the content when I started this one. This blog has taken a totally different theme. It is raw, real, all the feels about healing post divorce and just life circumstances. This blog has been super therapeutic and I am so grateful for this little space of mine. Lately, I struggle what to write about to stay consistent with the theme because I rarely have a “bad” or “hard” day anymore. My life is very simple, boring to most, and I just love it. I have come a VERYYY long way in regards to my personal, mental and emotional health. I am very proud of that! Maybe I will write about the little moments, breakthroughs, and steps I took to get me where I am today. I will include the good, bad and ugly of my healing journey. Which I am very much still on. So stay tuned!

In the meantime, I want to throw it back to an old blog post I used to do weekly… called currently confessing. It is lighthearted and fun! This one you can grab your coffee or wine, blanket and let’s get to it my friend!

Currently confessing….

I binge watch a show like it’s my job. I recently watched Clickbait… on a Sunday… the whole thing. So good! After I binge watch a show, I take a break for a few weeks and then watch another one. Any suggestions??

I love Texas fall weather! Weather like this week (lows in the 50’s/60’s and highs in the 80’s) is my jam!! The blue skies, low humidity, crisp fall air… happy days for me!

Lunch dates are my fav! Matt and I do more lunch dates than dinner dates. For starters, it’s a great break in the day. The prices are more reasonable. Last and most important, I prefer him or I to cook dinner. He is an incredible cook and makes better food than any restaurant. Plus this quality time love language girl loves when we cook together!

Ever since I started driving a large SUV, I drive slower. I went from a NASCAR driver to a normal Houston driver. Which some would argue is still a NASCAR driver.

Laughter heals. It is powerful. Matt is the best at making me laugh. He makes me laugh from my soul. Once the giggles start, it is hard to make them stop. I always say if you are an ear shot away from him at any function, you will have the best time. He is hilarious and the king of one-liners. Lately, his favorite thing to do is to scare the bejesus out of me. It’s great… so great! Can you hear the sarcasm in my voice? LOL Really though Matt and I have so much fun together and joke around a lot. We definitely keep the kid alive in each other!

Hunting season is near and that means I am a soon to be hunter’s widow with a full freezer of meat.

If you know me, you know I have been a Cabi girl for many many years. Every year the line is better, but YALL this season!! WOW! Cabi blew it out of the water!!! I have never loved so many items on a line before. You can check it out here: https://amandaburkham.cabionline.com/ I made the decision to become a stylist for Cabi a while ago and it has been such a great thing for me. Thank you Matt for the final push to add Cabi to my plate!

I recently read the book Eat, Pray, #FML by Gabrielle Stone. I read it in a week and it was so good! You feel like you are listening to your bff spill the beans on her life aka a wild ride. It is real, raw, transparent, funny, adventurous, and I love her writing style. The book made me laugh, cry, nod my head, smile and even do a few slow claps. The sequel is out. I have purchased it and it is on my list to read. I’ll keep you updated!

I am thinking of doing a fall bucket list. I feel like it would be a good thing to get me out of my comfort zone and a great excuse to try new things. So far I have lake days (the best lake days are after Labor Day), winery days, a lot of lunches on patios, Saturday morning walks and weekends at the ranch. What else do I need?! Just kidding… I will compile a specific list of activities to do. What are your favorite fall activities?

Hope City is my church! I have been listening to their sermons online for over a year now. Powerful messages!! You can check it out here: https://hopecity.com/.

Laundry is my least favorite chore ever. Ever. Ever!! It is the easiest chore, but the one I dread the most. I am not a do a few loads a week girl. I wait until I have full LOADS and then I have to do laundry for an entire day. Laundry as in wash the clothes. Then they sit in the basket for at least a week. If it is rainy weather or I am on my binge watching “job”, it will get done in the same day. I always know it’s time to do laundry when my underwear starts getting low. LOL! Obnoxious I know! But here’s my conclusion, you either hate laundry or dishes. It’s either one or the other. Am I right??

I am turning 30 in a little over a month… say what?! Most people are so sad to turn 30. Not me! I look forward to what the next decade will bring. Plus I feel like I am 29 going on 22. Age is just a number is what my great-grandma would always say. She lived to be 101 years old, so I think she is on to something. Just a heads up, there will be a blog post about turning 30… stay tuned my friends!

On that note, we are going to wrap it up here! It’s dinner time at my house. I am going to have the most delicious bowl of… cereal. HA! I love to cook… just not tonight. Thank you for reading along! Again, if you ever want me to write about anything specific or have any ideas, please message me. I am always open to suggestions and ideas. Have an incredible night and great day tomorrow! Until next time, my friends!

Amanda

Hi friends! It’s been some time. I actually have ten posts in draft mode that are not even close to being done. I just didn’t like the way they were going. So here we are… I have that “nudge” to write again. So Lord… what do you want me to write?? This is yours. Not mine.

Life can be a challenge… at times. Life is also so much fun. If you really think about it, everyone is striving to achieve something, be better, do more and make something of themselves. We all are dealing with issues, insecurities, and life stuff daily. I always say the hardest part of life is controlling what goes on between your two ears. Some people talk about their “life” problems and others keep everything to themselves. It doesn’t matter which you are or if you are somewhere in the middle. The main thing is this is your life. I often feel like I could do more, but don’t always have the energy or desire to. Maybe it is fear getting in the way or just as simple as I don’t want to. Who knows. I know one thing, I am living.

I always say a full day is when you experience every emotion. You laugh, cry, smile, are happy, get angry, etc. Heck you can have a full day just driving on I-45!! Phaha Just kidding… In all seriousness, life is about living. Some people are thriving and others are majorly struggling and I feel like a lot of us are in between. I personally feel like my life is a sweet struggle so I am in the in between group… let me explain.

I have a roof over my head, food in my belly, gas in my car, a job, running water and electricity, incredible friends and family. Regardless of those things, I still feel like I am falling short. I am “behind”. I will be 30 this year. I should be working towards marriage, kids, owning a house, etc. right? This is what the society norm of success is, right?

Well I have been married, I lived in a beautiful house with my husband, I wanted kids and then my life took a turn and I didn’t have any of that anymore. I was single, moved to a one-bedroom apartment, and kids were definitely not on my mind. I figured I would find the husband, buy the house, have the kids, and whatever else relatively quick because I was in my late 20’s and knew exactly what I was looking for.

LOL… oh how things change and oh how I needed to change. I needed to grow, heal and experience life.

I still live in that one-bedroom apartment. I am dating a great guy. I have no clue what the future holds and things may change, but for the season I am in right now I do not want to get married again or have kids. I will buy a house and a boat. I will always be a lake girl! People question me on the kid and marriage thing when they find out. It baffles them and they think it is not what I truly want.

Here’s my perspective on the whole thing:

First and foremost, it is not my plan it is his. I never thought I would get divorced and be where I am today. In my mind, I would be married, in a house, with a kid or two. It is also exhausting trying to plan or figure out the future. You make plans and then it goes down a different way. So I wasted all that time planning when I could have just been living. Second, I am truly happy where I am. I know I am right where I am supposed to be. I am soaking up this season. I am enjoying it. I love the peace and low responsibility I have right now. I am learning the lessons I need to learn and growing as a person. I am blooming where I am planted. For the first time in my life, I am not dead focused on achieving more. I am soaking up every second… good and bad. Trust me, this is a first for this go-getter, doesn’t take no for an answer, hard working, and driven girl. Third, I have complete peace about my future. I know it will be incredible. I know I will be able to get through the hard things and come out better. I don’t worry about marriage or kids because if it is in my future, great, it will happen exactly when it is supposed to. If not, there is something different in store. I know God will provide a sweet and incredible life for me. One that fills my mind, body, spirit and soul. I know it and feel it to my bones. My life is already promised.

I don’t know what I would “title” this season of life. Sweetness, peace, appreciation, just living… all of the above? I took life for granted in my last season. I didn’t appreciate life the way I do now.

In this season, I look for and pay attention to the little things. I look for the moments of growth, personally and in the people around me. I look for and take advantage of the times I can tell someone I love them, I am proud of them, and I verbally recognize the growth they have made. A majority of the time, they don’t even recognize how far they have come. Life should be celebrated!!! Words that build, encourage and praise people are and should be overused. Words can and will change someone’s life. Good or bad. They have an immense amount of power. The great thing about words is you can think before you speak. Now we aren’t perfect here and I have said things that hurt peoples feelings. I apologize and work to make the situation right. We learn the best lessons through out mistakes.

I look at each person’s love tank different. Each love language is a separate bucket and I want to overflow each one. I always say someone’s love tank can never be too full. Yes, we have primary love language, but let’s be real… everyone likes to be loved in each language. I show my love best through words of affirmation, acts of service and quality time. Gift giving is very unnatural to me. I have to be super intentional to fill that bucket. Regardless of my ability to fill each bucket, I work every day to overflow them for my people.

Another thing that has become a norm for me is being extra thankful. I used to take the little/normal things in life for granted or just expect them. For example, every night when I take a shower with hot water I say a little, “Thank you God for this hot water and the ability to clean my body every night!” Another simple thing I am so thankful for is the ability to fill my gas tank. I used to drive a small car, but totaled it in an accident in December. I drive a big SUV now and it’s a pretty penny to fill up. The fact that I have the money to put gas in my vehicle is such a huge blessing. God gets a thank you every time I put gas in my car. Another one is the ability to open my eyes in the morning. To be in comfy pj’s, snuggled up next to two fur babes, to feel the a/c, hear my alarm going off, and to get out of bed without a struggle. There are many things that get “thank you’s” as I go throughout my day. Sometimes I say it aloud and other times just in my head. I have my head on a swivel for God’s favor and the little (but very big) blessings in my life. I have proof every day that God provides exactly what I need and then blows that out of the water!

Basically I am in a season of complete appreciation for life. I am thankful for the struggles. I am thankful for my failed marriage and divorce. I am thankful for every single no I have ever received. I am thankful for each time life has knocked me over. I am thankful for the times I felt I wasn’t good enough. I am thankful for every rain storm. Because through all of that, I learned to dance. I learned to stand strong and firm in my faith. I learned God is good. I learned what things I have control over and what I don’t. I learned how rich my life really is. I learned how to be better and use my voice. I learned the power of laughter and healing your heart. I learned new skills and gained wisdom you only get after going through tough life moments. I have become a new person that has a great deal of self-worth, confidence and joy. I am confident in my future and my abilities. I know I have the tools, people and faith to get me through anything. THAT is celebrated every day. Even on the days I feel like I am behind in life, I am a failure or whatever negative self talk I tell myself. Every day isn’t perfect. Every day is just a chance to be better. Remember those are the character building days and those are just as important as the good days. It’s okay to not be okay. Just don’t wallow in it.

Friends, celebrate you. Celebrate life. Celebrate the little moments. Be happy. Be sad. Be better. Do a quick inventory on how far you have come. Looking back through pictures is a quick and easy reminder. Always always always remember, God knew the world that we are in today needed you. Just the way you are. Shine your bright light and celebrate all life’s moments!!

As always, thank you for reading along! I hope you feel empowered and loved after you read this blog. I know I do writing them. I believe to my core this is just a tool God uses to speak to you. I am just the messenger. Have the most incredible day!

Until next time,

Amanda

Hi friends! My name is Amanda and I am damn proud of the healing I have done in the past three years. Three years ago I was crying all the time and now I only cry sometimes. Ha! Just kidding. Really though, I have made MAJOR strides in working through my crap. Has it been easy? Hell no. Worth it? Absolutely. I have learned so many nuggets in therapy that help me in every area of my life, so I figured I would share some with you.

One: Anger is a secondary emotion.

Anger is a big reason I started going to therapy the last couple of months. I deal with it daily. Crazy right? I seem so happy. I am. Make no mistake I choose to be happy every day. When I start losing my patience over little things or getting irritated quicker I know something is off. If you don’t deal with what is actually making you angry, it will come out in other ways. For example, a couple years ago I made the decision to deactivate my social media because I would just sit on my phone at night comparing myself to everyone. That was a big thief of my joy, so adios. I bought a puzzle because I figured it would be a good wind down activity. I started the puzzle on my coffee table, the edge was complete and the middle pieces were inside the edge to keep two fur babes nosey noses away. Well I wake up in the morning to a half eaten puzzle. WTF??? My freaking dogs decided they wanted to expand their palate to cardboard. I was pissseeedddd. What made it worse is I had to pick up their poop with my puzzle pieces in them the for next couple of days. #apartmentliving I was so angry!! Then I had that little voice in the back of my head say, “Anger is a secondary emotion.” I had to figure out what the root cause was. I was actually angry because I felt that everything I considered “mine” was somehow taken away or destroyed. The dogs eating my puzzle was just a trigger. When I discovered the half eaten puzzle, I didn’t know the root cause of my anger. I was just angry and acted like a crazy person. Crying, screaming, and cussing the dogs over a freaking puzzle. Not my proudest moment. Overtime and with a lot of intentional practice, I have gotten really good at recognizing triggers and working through them without all the anger. Anger will eat you from the inside out if you don’t deal with it.

Two: You can still care about someone, be there for them and tell them no.

Boundaries are something I have been working on for the last couple of years. There is a lot of freedom in boundaries. I can set strong boundaries with things like work, associates, daily disciplines, etc. When it comes to my family and closest friends… nope. My boundaries with them are equal to spaghetti noodles. I am a fixer. I want to fix the problem and help keep the peace between people. I am known as the mediator in my family. BUT their problems are NOT mine to fix. I can help… only if they ask. I was recently in a situation that was out of my control. I would offer my advice/help and when they didn’t do what I thought was best, I would get upset/irradiated. I constantly have to remind myself it is not my problem to fix. If I fix everything, what will they learn? This is their life. Their journey. Their choices. They sleep in the bed they make and I sleep in mine. My job is to love them. That’s it! Here’s the nugget… You can still care about someone, be there for them and still tell them no. It’s okay to put yourself on the front burner. It’s okay to say no if you don’t want to go. It’s okay to speak up when something is bothering you. It’s okay to set boundaries to keep drama, negativity and whatever else out of your life. You don’t love that person any less by not showing up all the time. Don’t forget you are a somebody too!

Three: It’s okay to miss parts of your past.

It seems to be taboo to talk about the good parts of your past relationship. People tell me, “You need to drive forward and not look in the rearview mirror.” The rearview mirror of my past relationship was seven years of good and bad. A majority good. We created memories, lived a lot of life, and laughed a lot. I am the person I am today because of those seven years. I look back to reminiscence. That does not mean I want my “old life” back or to be with that person again. I have the memory of an elephant and love looking at old pictures, telling/listening to stories of the past and the memories made. Those moments are what help mold a person into who they are meant to be. That should not be hush hush!

Four: Life is precious!

Time goes by so fast. We all know this, but I swear it speeds up every year. Regardless, we all take life’s little moments for granted. I do sometimes. I am working to find God’s favor in everything and all the precious moments in my life. It will change your perspective real quick! A few things that bring me an instant smile: a child’s laughter, old people dancing, hot showers, electricity, flowers, happy people, a warm cup of coffee, waking up in the morning to someone (dog or human) next to me… this list could go on. Stop what you are doing right now, look around and find all the things you can be thankful for. Now that’s a pretty smile, my friend!

Five: Stop and celebrate how far you have come.

Pop the champagne and cheers to healing and working through your crap! Pat yourself on your back! You deserve it! You are doing the hard work and, even if it doesn’t feel like it at times, you are getting better.

Six: You do you boo!

You want to go on a trip? You want to have ice cream at midnight? You want to lay on your couch and stare at the ceiling? Do it. Do whatever your heart desires!! Do what brings you joy! Do what fills your cup! Live your life unapologetically! God knew the world needed a YOU, so don’t hold back who you are from anything. People will either love you or hate you. You only want to be around the ones that love you! The other’s are missing out. Bring your joy and let your light shine!!

Seven: No is a full sentence.

No explanation. No justification. Just a simple no thank you will do.

Eight: Healing is beautiful.

When you are healing you are going to feel all the feels. Not all are good and you will be uncomfortable. Lean in to it! That is when the magic happens! Healing your soul is a process and one that takes a lot of patience and intentionality. You will never be fully healed. You will just have learned coping mechanisms to not let triggers effect you. You will be able to go through situations that used to send you spiraling with complete peace. You will know how to respond in a constructive and positive way. You will know your boundaries and will be able to stick to them. You will have a voice and find yourself standing taller. You will have genuine joy from the inside out. You will transform into a new person that you will just adore. That is healing and it is beautiful.

Nine: Never plan anything or have people over after therapy.

Therapy is great, but damn it is mentally, emotionally and physically exhausting. In all the best ways. It’s an hour or a little longer of peeling back the onion and exposing the vulnerable spots of your soul. I always need to rest after my sessions.

Ten: You are responsible for your life.

It is your life. Quit the blame game. It is no one else’s fault but yours. Own your shit and work on fixing it. I own my shortcomings in my past marriage and work hard to not repeat them in my current relationship. I own my mistakes in every area of my life. You have the power every day to get up and choose your mood. Some days you are going to have to fight for happy. It is worth it. You are worth it. You will have days when you are feeling all the feels and it just sucks. Those days are character building and it just means you are getting closer to a good day. Friend, you are strong! Never doubt your strength! Never be scared to cry and feel those feels. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and you will be amazed at the distance you will go.

Thank you for reading along! I always appreciate your support! Have a great day!! Until next time!

Amanda

Hi friends! How are things going in your world? Hanging in there or thriving? Either one I just want to remind you that you are alive, your heart is beating and there is something to gain from today whether you are having a good day or a bad day. You have a purpose here and the people around you need you. So put a pretty smile on that face and do you boo! K?

I feel like all I write about are my struggles and where I have been. It was a life altering couple of years that really molded me into the person I am today. I am proud of myself for how I acted during those character building years and where I am now. I believe to my core that my story is supposed to be told to help others in similar situations or any hard situation. I believe it is so important to have grace and show grace when life is throwing lemons at you. Regardless of how low and terrible I felt during those years, the joy, strength, and confidence I feel today… wow! It should be celebrated! I am survivor. I am a fighter. I also life to keep it simple. Today let’s chat about a few things I like to call the glue that helps keep me together.

I do not have a victim mentality. I never have. I hate when people feel sorry for me or pity me. Whatever happened, happened for a reason. It sucked and it was a learning lesson. I didn’t fail. I just failed forward. Now it’s time to pull up my big girl panties, put one foot in front of the other and get to truckin’. You can stay down or you can get moving. I always choose to get moving. Life happens. It is all how you react. I am stubborn, determined and resilient. I know I can get through anything. So can you, my friend!

I live a very boring and routine life. Boring is good. I will take boring all day long. Matt does keep things fun and I always say life is an adventure with him. In all reality, I work, hang out with friends and family, exercise, cook and take trips here and there. I know social media paints the picture you have to have a grand life to be living. Which is so false on so many levels!! Just remember everything comes at a price. You are the only one that can decide if you are willing to pay the price. I just choose the simple life!

I am a very direct person unless I am tired or hangry and then I get passive. It’s real cute. Not. Hangry is a real emotion and I will be the first to admit I am a bitch when I am hungry. 99% of the time though I have snacks with me because I don’t like when I get in those moods. Matt calls them my hulk moments – haha! Other than that, I am a straight shooter. If you ask my opinion, I will give it to you in the most genuine way. I will never intentionally say things to be mean or hateful. Not my nature. If you are one of my people, I will love you like family. If there is an issue or I think there is an issue, I will say something. I genuinely care a lot about the people in my life and I believe being direct and not being afraid to ask the hard questions falls under that category. I want to know about your life and be involved in it! It’s really important to me. Now there are some people that are direct, but can’t handle when people are direct with them. Not the case here my friends! It is a safe space for my people to call me out/say something if I am doing something they don’t like. I definitely take accountability when I am in the wrong and I will apologize. My dad always tells us, “Lead with honesty and you can never go wrong.” That is how I live my life!

I have very good friends and family that support me, but do not enable me. They are my rocks through and through. They are there when I need them and sometimes when I don’t even know I need them they are there. We know I love my people BIG around here! They support me and encourage me to make my own decisions. They will definitely give me their opinion. They just let me decide what is best for me and whatever I decide, whether they agree or not, they support with no judgement. That is the key. No body has anytime for a Judgy Judy in their life.

I am a happy person 99.9% of the time. I smile a lot! I will laugh at all your cheesy jokes and see my cup half full. Happiness is a choice and every day I wake up thankful I opened my eyes. Thankful I have a bed to sleep in. Thankful Matt and the fur babes are snuggled up next to me. Thankful I have A/C or heat, a roof over my head, food in my belly, clean running water, a job to go to, a car to get me there, and clothes on my back. I am appreciative and thankful for everything or at least try really hard to be. Sometimes I need a reminder when I am having a tough day, but when I stop for a second and look around I can’t help but smile. Choose your happy and if you can’t choose it, be it. Work those face muscles and smile with your teeth… my mom is definitely giggling at that comment. I always tell her smile with your teeth when she takes a picture! You too!

I make time for things that bring me joy and fill my cup. I learned how to say no when I went through my divorce and no as in it’s a full sentence. Friends, you. don’t. have. to. explain. yourself. If you don’t want to go or do it, just say no. If you aren’t feeling someone’s vibe, don’t spend time with them. I have a hard time with this. I give people the benefit of the doubt and give people so much grace. I always say you will know when it is time to walk away when you have a peace about it and no emotions. As long as they are in your life, you are learning something from it. Go where you are welcomed and cherished. Time is such a precious commodity and something you will never get back. Trust me when I say, you are an answer to someone’s prayers just the way you are. They are praying and searching for a friend just like you and chances are you are praying for a friend just like them. On that note here’s a little PSA. Be yourself. Be your goofy, intriguing, loving self. The world is a better place because of it. You have no idea the impact you are making and have made on people’s lives just by being you. Again, you are an answer to people’s prayers just the way you are.

Most importantly, I am a women of faith. I believe in God and his plan for my life. I trust in his plan and purpose. I trust he has my back 100% and loves me unconditionally. I look for God in my life and seek him daily. I have a relationship with God and work to make it better. I don’t always understand what he is doing and there are definitely times I have cussed him. One thing is no matter how mad I was at him, I have never questioned his ultimate plan. I have never questioned his abilities. I have never questioned my love for him. I am a child of God and am eternally thankful for all he has done in my life. I will leave you with this… things I have prayed years for, God can change in a second. When it is time, it will happen. Until then trust him, keep your faith and be a good one.

Until next time my friends! Thank you for spending some of your day with me!

Amanda

Hi friends! Today is going to be about all the feels leading up to, during and post divorce. This one is full of raw feelings and thoughts. I have made a lot of progress over the last two years and understand the rollercoaster of emotions. I feel like I am the same person, but totally different all at the same time.

First and foremost, divorce sucks. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. I believe you should fight like hell for your marriage or relationship. I believe too many people run after the first problem. Relationships are hard and oh so wonderful all at the same time. I always think about people that stay at a job they hate and is sucking the life out of them for years… years! Now when it comes to their relationship, first problem or one thing they don’t like, gone. People aren’t perfect and either are you. Is it something you can work through? Talk about? Compromise? Put yourself in their shoes. How would you want someone to react if you did what they did? One of my client’s wife gave me some solid advice. She said, “What would you say to a friend if she was going through the exact same thing you were going through? Whatever you would tell her, is what you need to do.” Mic drop… we are done here! Just kidding.

At the end of the day, if it is just not working then go your separate ways. Your happiness and their happiness are equally as important in the long run. Not everyone you meet or date is your forever person.

Okay, strap in for the rollercoaster. It’s quite the ride. Here’s a my story from when I knew I needed to consider divorce to now.

First, I had to muster up the strength to talk to a lawyer and get my ducks in a row. For a while, I couldn’t find the courage to do it. I was in complete shock that I was even having to consider seeing a lawyer because I just am not someone that gets divorced. Like there is a type?? Lord. Once I made my decision, I was on a mission to get my ducks in a row without him knowing. I had to make sure I had all my stuff in order before I made a move. Because what if he decided to kick me out? The process of me getting my ducks in a row took about two months. It was all based on his backpacking trip to Europe. Just for timeline purposes he cheated mid March and then planned a “solo” backpacking trip to Europe for the end of May.

I didn’t have actual proof he cheated at this point. I just knew that something happened and it wasn’t sitting right with me. I always told myself if someone cheated on me I would leave. Well it’s a lot harder when you are in that situation yourself. I learned a valuable lesson to just be there for people and give advice only when asked if they are going through tough times. You have to be okay if they don’t take your advice. As a friend, you just need to love them through it. Just remember things are so different when you are the one sitting the driver seat.

My reality at the time was grand… not. My sales were low aka being in a 100% commission job I wasn’t making a lot of money. He brought home all the bacon and I was about to make a life decision that was going to impact me in more ways than one. A major way was financially. I was going to have to start over from basically scratch with a quarter of the income I was used to living on. I had never lived on my own at that point in my life. I did in college, but my parents paid for a majority of my stuff. Once I graduated, we lived together and split all the bills. For the first time I would have to do it all. I knew I would be able to. Just the thought, doubt and fear came over quickly and stayed for a while. Could I really provide for myself??

During those two months, I cried all the time. He traveled a lot for work and was gone most of the week. I didn’t have an appetite and lost about 15lbs in two months. I was sleeping a few hours a night. Even though I was exhausted, I couldn’t turn off my brain. I had a million and one thoughts racing through my head. A majority of the thoughts were playing back our relationship over the past six and a half years trying to connect the dots and see where I messed up or could have been better. I just knew it had to be something I did to push him to cheat.

The worst part is every day I saw 3-7 people for appointments. Some were new people and others clients. Regardless, they would ask me how married life was going, etc. I was a newlywed and we just got back in our house post Harvey. Things should have been great. I lied and told them how great it was because if I told them the truth I would have been bawling in their office. Now that just isn’t professional and I didn’t need to drag my personal life into my professional life. I had a couple client’s that called me out because they just knew something was off. To this day, I cherish those client’s and am so thankful. I was holding it together by a string. I was a hot mess express. My goal every day was to get out of bed and get back in at night. I was in survival mode. Emotional, numb, mindless and trying so hard to process everything when my world looked like a bowl of spaghetti noodles.

How I kept it together those two months and didn’t lose my shit is something only God knows.

Now we are at the end of May right before his trip. I knew I had to talk to him before he left. I had to at least tell him I knew something happened even though he wouldn’t tell me and that I met with a lawyer to figure out my options. Talk about nerves. Holy moly… it felt like I was punched in the gut. No appetite, no sleep and playing all the different scenarios in my head a million times and then some. I was going to be ready for anything he said. It truly felt as if I was on the edge of the cliff. I knew I had to jump. I was just scared. It’s okay to be scared. Normally when you are really scared you are about to do something really really brave.

We went to lunch and I told him I met with a lawyer. There was a small group of people that knew what was going on. They all thought once he knew I met with a lawyer there was no way in hell he would go to Europe. They all thought he would cancel the trip. I had every hope in the world for that too. I told him and he sat in shock for a little bit. Then he said, “Well I guess I will take an Uber to the airport.” We talked about things until it was time to leave for the airport and he said we would work on things when he got back. I took him to the airport. I was holding on to this hope that I was just in a bad dream and would wake up. This was all a joke. The situation wasn’t real. I figured it would give him more time to change his mind. I wanted him to pick me over her or that trip so bad. I was worthy to be picked.

He didn’t stay. He got out of the car, got his bag, gave me a hug and kiss and said we would work on things when he got back. Little did he know I had an apartment already lined up. I was going to pick up the keys the next day. If he stayed, I was going to cancel the apartment. If he left, I was moving. That decision was made up and I knew I had to stick to it.

Driving away from the airport I felt so low, crushed and empty. I wasn’t worthy of his love. Worthy of anything. Everything was a blur until the song by David Lee Murphy and Kenny Chesney “Everything’s Gonna Be Alright” came on. In that moment it was as if God was speaking directly to me and letting me know everything was going to be okay. When I listen to that song all I can do is smile, remember how I felt in that moment and where I am now. Oh how it all works out!

Fast forward he is on his trip. I am doubting everything. Did I even work at my marriage? What if he didn’t cheat? Am I just crazy?? God I need a sign. There is no way I will know I am making the right move unless I have a sign. Now it has to be so big I will ONLY know it is from you. Big, God, big.

Ready for it?? I got a sign. Multiple signs over a period of time. The one that confirmed it all for me was this. He sent me a live picture of a building. I still don’t know what made me hold down the picture to see the “live” part to this day, but I did. There were some words said and I just knew he was there with her (this was later confirmed). I knew he was going to see her, but when you hear her voice with him it just stings a totally different way. I sat in my car, my shoulders dropped and I looked up to the sky and said, “Okay. I guess that’s my sign.” Here’s the weird part I wasn’t upset. I was calm. It was the weirdest thing. I should have been enraged. I should have wanted to pull a Carrie Underwood moment and destroy his stuff. Instead, I went to the lake and spent the day with my family and friends. I laughed. I made memories. I wasn’t going to let him steal anymore of my joy that day. I was exhausted of being so sad and feeling broken. I felt like I was a glass ball that someone slammed on the floor and shattered into a million little pieces. Someone else shattered it and I was the one that had to put it back together… piece by piece.

Monday was Memorial Day, so everything was closed. He was coming back the following weekend, so Tuesday morning I got on the phone and scheduled movers for the next day. God wink moment, there was one truck and one slot left. Movers scheduled. My mom and sister came over to pack up my house the next day. I sat at the kitchen table and cried most of it. I didn’t want to take everything because he needed stuff too. Those moments were all a blur and everything moved so fast. I had a small circle that knew what was going on and they were my rocks. They stepped up and helped when I need it. They were angels sent from God in those moments.

Next step was serving my husband divorce papers. It was hard, but not as hard as the conversation before his trip. I was pissed and over it. How could he lie to my face point blank? Did he really think I was that stupid and couldn’t put the pieces together?! I was angry and calm all at the same time. I was so set in my decision and told myself I wouldn’t look back… big laugh there. I was damn sure in THAT moment though. I will never forget that conversation. The look on his face. The feeling I felt inside. I was proud of my courage, strength and bravery. I may have been knocked down 100 times, but I was still standing at the end of the day regardless of how exhausted and emotionally beaten I was. This would not break me.

Buckle up friends… here is the real rollercoaster.

It took me about seven months to go through the divorce. At first I was done. My mind was basically f you. I am done. Then I thought I could work things out. I mean we were together for so long. It was just a lapse in judgment. He really wouldn’t do that to me again. I need to fight like hell for this marriage. I need answers. So we went to counseling which was his idea. We went weekly. I finally got answers. In my mind, it was as if I had a police white board with people, places, things, etc. I was finally able to connect the dots. My gut feeling already assumed those things. They were just now confirmed.

I was working at my marriage and I had the support of the people around me just not the approval. They all thought I was crazy as hell even talking to him. Again, it is different when you are sitting in the drivers seat. We went on weekly dates, weekend trips, and talked every day. It was as if we were starting over from the beginning. He could move on without looking in the rearview mirror. He apologized countless times and was doing all the right things. I just couldn’t forget the past. I couldn’t just “brush” it off. We would hang out and things were great. We would have so much fun and then I would get so upset and angry. If things were this good, how the f could you do what you did?!?! They happened so often we would call them my outbursts. I knew in my mind I couldn’t stay with him because there was no trust. I didn’t trust anything he said or did. I honestly doubted our entire relationship and myself. What was true and what was complete bull shit? Is he just doing all the right things temporarily and then when I take him back he will go back to his old ways?? What are the people I told I was leaving his ass going to think if I take him back? What does that do to my credibility? How am I ever going to bring him around friends, family, etc.? I would be the wife that stayed with her cheating husband. What follows those questions are the whooping feelings of I am not worthy for anyone. Who is going to want to be with someone that was cheated on so early in her marriage? I am broken. I have baggage. If I wasn’t good enough for him, how am I going to be good enough for someone else??

Those thoughts either stayed for months, weeks, days or hours. Each time varied and it wasn’t pretty when they decided to camp out. Most people in my world didn’t know how low I felt. They knew sometimes because there was no holding it back. Most of the time they saw me as this strong women that kept it together when her entire world was on fire around her. I felt weak when I was struggling and felt as if he won. Which just pissed me off more and made me feel worse. He didn’t seem like he was struggling. He was living his best life while I was in the dumps. I felt I needed to keep my feelings to myself because letting people in to how I really felt would only skew their view of him more if we got back to together. Then I would hang out with my family, friends or go to counseling and snap out of it. My rollercoaster ride was now on the way up. Slow, but moving towards a better attitude and view of myself. I felt empowered and had a f you attitude. I would tell myself I don’t need a man. I was okay with being single and my two fur babes. I would chase my career. I didn’t need him, his money or the life I had with him. I could create my own life that would be better than the life I lived with him. I would prove him wrong by thriving! That’s the best revenge right??

Those emotions would continue for months. A true rollercoaster. Slow highs and fast lows. I could come racing down within minutes. It just wasn’t healthy. I was a mess, exhausted and needed to move on. That chapter needed to close.

There were two points I just couldn’t drop. I made promise to myself when I was younger that if anyone cheated on me I would leave and what would I say to my daughter if she was ever in this situation? First, how can I keep a promise to someone else if I can’t keep a promise to myself? Second, I would tell her to tell him to stick it where the sun doesn’t shine. She deserves more and better! She is worthy and incredible. It is his loss. It hurts and sucks. It will get better! Look at my life. I couldn’t say that if I stayed. I knew if I didn’t keep my promise it will kill any confidence and self worth I had left. As hard as it was, I had to walk away. Throw in the towel and do what was best for me. He agreed to sign the papers and it was time for me to go to the courthouse to make it official.

I went to the courthouse with my mom. I went in front of a judge, answered some questions and he granted my divorce final. I was done. The judge told me, “Now that’s a smile! Be careful young lady and good luck!” Later that night I met my parents and a few friends for a celebratory dinner. First thing, chilled tequila shots. I actually facetimed my sister and a few friends that couldn’t be there. We all took shots together. Cheers to new beginnings! I went home that night and felt so relived. I slept so good for the first time in months. The weight was off my shoulders. I could breathe.

I stayed strong for a while… until I started dating. I would go on dates and would compare everyone to him. The conversation would quickly turn to my divorce. Which is downright cringe worthy. When people would ask me if I was single I would say, “No, I am divorced.” I felt like people needed to know up front I was a divorcee. While I was “dating” I would text my ex or he would text me. We would hang out for a few weeks and then end things. He just understood me. I could be myself around him. Regardless what he did, there was a level of comfort there. At least I knew his worst. I could “deal” with it. Side note: when all this was going on I was going to counseling. When I would talk to my ex it would throw me into this depressive state. I would get so angry and bitter about the life we had, what I was supposed to have and it would take a toll on my entire life. I knew I needed professional help to work through those emotions. Each time I hung out with him I knew in my head this was not a good idea. My heart was still holding on. I truly believe we were connected at a soul level. When we stopped hanging out I would find my joy again. I would sleep better. I had more energy. I was different. I did this back and forth for about six months after I was divorced.

Back to the adventure of dating post divorce. I got on a dating app for a few weeks. Lawd have mercy… I would talk to people and the minute they started asking personal questions I felt like they were trying to figure out where I lived and they were serial killers. Dramatic much?? Which makes me laugh even typing that. One guy asked me to hang out. I told him, “I am really busy for the next two weeks.” Which I was. Then I deleted the app and gave up on dating because lord. That just was not the life for me. I was going to be single for a few years. Travel, chase my career and live my best life. I was at peace about it. I was excited for the next few years.

Fast forward a few weeks. A few freaking weeks. I get introduced to Matt by his parents. His step dad was a client of mine. He kept telling me he knew who my future husband was [insert eye roll and all the laughs], I needed to meet his son, etc. Well his parents were asking me about what I wanted in a guy, etc. I was very honest with them because I was going to be single for one to two years. They both said ,”You need to meet our son!! That is him to a T!” Okay, fine. Set it up. Well I was leaving the appointment literally picking up my purse and who drives into the parking lot?? Matt. Tell God your plans and he laughs.

Yall. I went outside to meet him and when this guy pulled his head out of the back seat of his truck and smiled with those dimples I told myself, “Shit. I’m supposed to be single for one to two years.” He was SO cute!!! We talked for a little bit and he asked for my number. If he wanted to pursue me, fine. I was not doing the chasing.

We started hanging out. The first time he helped me put together chairs for my table. He met me at World Market because they couldn’t fit in my car. He had a truck. Let me just paint this picture… he is tall, dark hair, blue eyes, tan, has the best smile and dimples that will melt you like butter. He is an all-American southern gentleman aka a snack! haha He walked into World Market and waited until the boxes were there. I tried to help him carry the boxes out of the store and he said, “Give me those!” He throws them over his shoulder like it is nothing, puts them in his truck and says, “You want a sweet tea?” Southern, yall. He put them together and I made lunch. I couldn’t have him come over and not feed him. He helped in the kitchen which was huge for me. He was so respectful, funny and I knew my year or two of no dating was not going to happen.

Rollercoaster ride isn’t over.

We started seeing each other more. Things with him were so easy. I enjoyed seeing him. I would light up when we talked or when we were together. Spoiler alert I still do. In the beginning of our relationship, I would compare him to my ex a lot. They are polar opposites. I would go back and forth of wanting to be in a relationship or not. Deep down I always had this feeling everything would work out and I really liked him so my vote was stay in a relationship even though my walls tried to block it.

We both had major major major walls up and super deep wounds that are still healing. We would take two steps forward and ten back. No big blow up fights or anything like that. We would just not talk for a few days. I would push him away and he would do the same. We would always come back together. He would do nice things for me just because and I immediately felt I needed to repay him or do something in return. He would tell me he was going to do something and he followed through on his word. I didn’t believe he would and then he would prove me wrong. He proved me wrong a lot and still does. I was so guarded. Remember when I said I felt like I was a glass ball someone shattered into a million pieces? Well I finally felt I put that glass ball back together with tape, super glue and gum. I was on a mission to keep it in tact no matter how bad it looked. I wasn’t going to hand it to anyone. My walls protected that ball aka my heart. I would always keep him at an arms distance.

Over time I would let a wall down and so would Matt. We were growing and learning to trust each other more and more. We both had our own lives. We had our own identities. We would communicate and slowly open up to each other. We still do to this day. My counselor told me I was finally in a healthy relationship.

Fast forward to now. We have been together for almost a year and a half. There are still walls up for both of us. We both light up when the other person walks in the room. I have a genuine happiness I never thought I could have. There are still things he says and does that trigger emotions and feelings. I am still learning how to acknowledge, process them and communicate properly in the moment when I get upset. In those moments I have to constantly remind myself having feelings doesn’t mean I am weak. I am working to not shut down in those moments. My natural tendency is to put up a wall and push back. A work in progress and a lot of grace over here.

I still feel like I am on the rollercoaster, but it is the kid ride that is smooth with little bumps here and there. I was on the main attraction there for a while. Friends, I wouldn’t change that ride for anything. As shitty as it was, it made me who I am today. I appreciate Matt so much more because of my past. I am better in this relationship than I was in my marriage. I learned lessons and failed forward. Because of my ride, I am able to help other women going through similar situations. I don’t know exactly how they feel, but I have been in very similar shoes. My past has made me stronger, more confident, more spontaneous, and it has given me a heart full of grace. I am better today in every area of my life because of it. I am a survivor. I am a fighter. I am resilient and so are you. Regardless what you are going through, take one step at a time. When you get knocked down, get back up. Fight for YOU. You are worth it.

I thought the life I had before was grand and wonderful. Jokes on me because the life I live now is so rich. It is full of love and happiness. I am dating a wonderful man that accepts me and my baggage. I accept him and his baggage too. That baggage is part of we are. It doesn’t define us. Just part of the recipe. I would go through all of that 100 times over if it meant I got to have the life I have now. The crazy thing is it is just getting started.

My dad has always told us to enjoy the journey. Friends, enjoy your journey. The good, bad and ugly. Life is a ride!

Thank you for reading along! I appreciate you spending some of your day with me.

Until next time!

Amanda