Hi friends! My last post was all about boundaries and overcoming my not so favorite character traits. (You can read it here if you missed it.) I feel like some of them are partly self-induced from self imposed pressure, but all of them are just a part of my DNA. I recognize the impact (good and bad) they have and can have on my life, so I go to therapy to work through and create healthy coping mechanisms. I always tell Matt, “At least I go to therapy to deal with my crazy!” We all have some crazy! Therapy isn’t bad. It is equal to the gym for your mental health. I am just a huge supporter of both – physical and mental work! I am a constant work in progress to be the best version of me. Someone that loves me through it all and is my biggest cheerleader is my sweet mama! She is my go-to for all things in my life! We joke about me being her clingy daughter that calls multiple times a day. I call her on my way home from work every day. Even though we know exactly what we are doing we still ask each other, “What are you doing?” The older I get I feel like I am more and more like my mom. She is the very best and always knows exactly what to say. She is my best friend and someone I look up to! With all that said, why not do a Q&A with the one and only, my mama! Yall are in for a real treat!

Just so yall know, I am typing this exactly as she is talking, so these are the first responses that come to mind when I ask her the following questions. Enjoy!

Isn’t she the cutest??

1. What did you want to be when you were younger?
   
   M: My mom told me that I never wanted to get married and have ten kids.
   A: Um… what?! Seriously.
   M: That’s what I said when I was little, but I never really had a thing that was my true calling.
   Joining the Air Force was a family tradition, but I was the first girl to ever go into the service. So I guess that’s it?
   
   
2. Tell me something funny about your mom.
   
   My mom would always sneak off during hunting season to go to Reno. My dad would leave on a Friday and she would be hitting the airport about an hour later. He would come back on a Monday or Tuesday and she would come back right before he would come back. She would be dog tired from saying up the night before. She would always go with my Aunt Robin or Aunt Arlene. But supposedly my dad never knew.
   
   
3. Tell me something funny about your dad.
   
   Umm… he wasn’t really funny. But he could make me laugh with stories at dinner. He would have milk coming our of your nose. But he was pretty serious and quite a softy at the same time. If there was an animal, butter. Humans, he was a hard ass.
   
   
4. What was your favorite food or snack as a child?
   
   When my mom started dating my dad we would go visit. He would make spaghetti or pot roast. Of course with pot roast, nothing could touch until I was older. But his spaghetti. I could eat two plates at 10. As we got older, we would have contest of who could make better sauce. He always won. His spaghetti was the best!
   
   
5. What was your most prized possession as a kid?
   
   I would say, and I still have it, but the chain is broken. A cross necklace that was my grandma’s.
   
   
6. What is the top three most important lessons you have learned over time?
   
   – Be true to yourself.
   – Love your family, always, even when you don’t like them necessarily… you know what I mean?
   – Umm.. I guess… even though you always give yourself make time to take care of you. You aren’t any good to anyone if you don’t care of yourself. It’s easy to forget.
   
   
7. What are you most proud of?
   
   My kids. [cue the tears] and having the marriage that we have. Especially coming from our history.
   
   
8. What is one piece of advice you have received and still live by?
   
   The story I told you my whole life… no no no. My dad gave me advice when I got married, and we live by this every day. To always say I love you when you wake up, when you go to bed and when you are leaving. Give your person a kiss… and you know say I love you 100 times [insert giggle] before you hang up because you never know if that is the last time you will tell that person I love you and give them a kiss. Of course, we beat that to death because it’s true. You just never know.
   
   
9. Who inspired you the most in life?
   
   Umm.. that’s a toss up because I would say my mom because my mom had a tough life with her marriages, raising three kids and working 2-3 jobs to support us. She always put us kids first. Then my other one would be my grandma.. because I think I am who I am because of her [cue the tears] because of the time we lived with her.
   
   
10. When was the first time you went on a plane?
    
    Umm… after I graduated high school. My mom and I went on my graduation trip to Hawaii.
    
    
11. What is your favorite place you ever visited?
    
    Hmmm…. Probably that Grand Velas Resort in Mexico. That was amazing! Beach wasn’t as good but the hotel was amazing.
    
    
12. How has society and the world changed since you were younger?
    
    Umm… hmmm… the value of life is decreased. You hear of shootings everyday because someone cut them off. Umm… Patriotism. People willing to work for what they got. People today just want things given to them. They just want what they have without having to work their ass off for it. Luckily we have raised contributing adults.
    
    
13. What is the hardest thing you have ever done?
    
    [Cue the tears] saying good bye to my parents when they died. Especially my mom.
    [Cue the tears from both of us]
    
    *Side note – my mom was holding each of her parent’s hands when they passed.*
    
    
14. What is some advice you would give someone in your 20’s, 30’s, 40’s, 50’s?
    
    20’s – In your twenties… go and enjoy life! Be safe in what you do but have fun!! Find your lifelong friends, go to college, date, travel, umm… just have fun!
    30’s – Hopefully by your 30’s you’ll find your person. Date, commit to marriage if you want that, travel, and have couple time before you bring kids into the equation (that could be in your twenties too). Take care of yourself, find your career, but don’t forget that your work is not everything. Even when raising kids, work will always be there but raising kids goes way too fast. Just enjoy it.
    40’s – 40’s were kind of a blur… we were doing kid stuff. Enjoy your family time and all the things you are doing with your friends and family. Work hard so that when you retire you can retire in comfort.
    50’s – Have fun! Usually you are empty nesters by then. Make sure you still love your spouse, which luckily I do. Find the thing that you all love to do. We had boating, so the hours and hours we spent with our kids and friends gave us life long memories.
    60’s – 60’s is the new 40! Have fun so your kids tell you you have more fun than they do. [Insert giggles]
    
    
15. What is something you have always been good at?
    
    Gosh, definitely not running – LOL! Is this PG version? LOL Umm just taking care of others and helping others.
    
    
16. How much was your annual salary for your first job? Did you ever struggle with money and if so how did you work through it?
    
    First adult job was the Air Force. When I got out of the Air Force my salary was $14,000 or something crazy like that. How we lived I don’t know? Did I ever struggle with money? Well when you make $14,000 a year… [insert giggles]. Basically manage what you spend based on what you have. I was never a credit card person, so if I did put something on a credit card I would pay it off the next month. Then had a side job while I was in the Air Force. Half of everything I made in that job went in savings and the other half I could spend. So when I got out of the Air Force I had a nice little nest egg.
    
    
    
17. Top three relationship advice nuggets that you have used to stay married 30 plus years?
    
    – Umm… well… always be respectful. Sometimes you may want to say something, but once you say it you can’t take it back. You know what I am saying right?
    – Make time for each other.. especially when you have kids. Without an us there is no family. So you have to date and make time for your spouse. Kids are important, but not the most important. They will grow up and move out. You don’t want to be married 20 years and the realize you don’t like each other.
    – And, let’s see… don’t get on the merry go round of I’m not doing this because you are doing that and then it spirals out of control. Well no… I guess the number one is when you get married you don’t go into it thinking if this doesn’t work out we will get a divorce. There were for sure conversations of this is not what I signed up for, but we worked through it.
    
    
18. When you were a child what did you do when you were bored?
    
    Probably would read a book or play with my cousins. My favorite cousin, Kevin, and I were about the same age so we would play. If I was by myself, I would read.
    
    
19. What is something I still might not know about you?
    
    M: Ummm… I don’t know… I am pretty much an open book. My bra size – LOL!!
    A: That is true… I wouldn’t know! LOL
    M: or my weight – LOL No one is ever going to know that! Okay, the doctor but LOL
    
    
20. What makes you feel loved?
    
    Well depends on who it is. Just spending time with your dad and with my kids. Quality time. Also, when they tell me they love me 100 times when they say good bye. I guess it’s just the quality time when they say they want to spend time with me… spending time with Braxton too!
    
    
21. Top three places or things you want to do before you die?
    
    – Umm make sure I don’t have the grey silver back in my hair… no one wants to see that [insert giggles]
    – I would like to go to Italy
    – and…. sell another house – LOL
    
    *Side note – my mom is a realtor! She’s your go-to lady to help with all housing needs!*
    
    
22. Are there some things you wish you had done differently in life?
    
    Hmm.. no. No.
    
    
23. What advice would you give me for where I am in my life?
    
    Follow your heart. Stay true to you and don’t let anybody treat you less than you are [cue the tears] because you are pretty amazing!
    
    
24. What is the hardest thing about raising children?
    
    M: Letting them fall on their face.. I haven’t quite mastered that.
    A: What do you mean?
    M: Just sometimes you have to let them find out the hard way and you can’t always bail them out.
    
    
25. What is the hardest age when raising children? (Their age)
    
    Probably middle school because the girls are bitches, start of the hormones and the drama of middle school. Because the girls are bitches! They start being more independent. They want more freedom and they don’t get as much freedom as they want. Plus we didn’t have Life360 back then. [insert the giggles]
    
    
26. What is the nicest thing someone has ever done for you?
    
    M: Ummm…
    A: First thing that comes to mind.
    M: When a dear friend gave me a ticket to go see my parents. I don’t even remember why, what the occasion was or the details.
    
    
27. What are your God given gifts/talents?
    
    M: Hmm.. definitely not laundry
    A: [insert giggles] That’s where I get it from!
    M: Umm being helpful. I have always liked helping people that need help. Umm.. it’s definitely not math. [insert giggles] I don’t know… being able to have a good read on people too.. intuition or whatever you want to call it. I don’t know what else.
    
    
28. What does success mean to you?
    
    Umm… I guess having people I don’t know… I don’t really have a good definition for that… I guess work, but how many hours did I work? I guess being respected and loved by my family, peers and Braxton. Being a good Mamo! That’s it!
    
    
29. What has been the hardest thing for you to overcome?
    
    Losing my mom.
    
    
30. What are your fears?
    
    Not being there for my kids and grandson.
    
    
31. What has been your most stressful experience in life?
    
    When dad has his pulmonary embolisms.
    
    
32. What do you still not understand?
    
    Hmm… I don’t know. I don’t have a good answer for that… well why I can’t win the lottery [insert giggles].. you know the big one!! I do know the answer to that.. you have to buy a ticket to win.
    
    
33. What do you wish you knew more about?
    
    Umm… umm…. um…. [insert giggles] first thing that came to mind was knitting and crocheting.
    
    
34. What is your most used kitchen item?
    
    My wine opener – LOL!
    
    
35. Is there a moment in your life you can look back on that changed everything? If so, what was it? Did you know it would change your life in that moment?
    
    When I met your dad. I didn’t know it would change everything. I just thought he was nice. I didn’t think in my wildest dreams I would marry a Texas boy and move down here. Here we are 38 years later with the family and love we have.
    
    
36. What is your favorite movie?
    
    The Notebook.
    
    
37. How would you describe your parenting style?
    
    Umm… which child? LOL Well… I mean. I don’t know… loving, strict, always there if you need me. I am willing to drop everything in a moments notice when they need something. Loving, supportive, and never the mother in law from hell.
    
    
38. What is your top three pet peeves?
    
    M: Smacking! Slurping! Even though I slurp somethings… apparently. [insert giggles]
    A: Just your coffee [insert giggles]
    M: and then umm… I hate being late.
    
    *Side note – slurping and smacking are both my pet peeves too! When I was younger my mom would curl my hair. We had to be quiet because my dad was sleeping in the other room. She would have her coffee and slurp. I would be so annoyed, but we would laugh so hard every time she went to take a drink. It made for some good memories and laughs!*
    
    
39. In what way is life harder or easier now?
    
    Harder – Harder because I worry about the future and what I’m leaving behind. My family, spouse…
    Easier – Easier because with age comes wisdom.. we don’t have to give a fu@% what anyone thinks anymore.
    
    
40. What is your favorite thing about dad?
    
    [insert smile and giggle and then tears] Just that I know that he loves me no matter what.
    
    
41. What does he do that makes you feel most loved?
    
    He just shows his love all the time in a million different ways. Every time we sit down to eat dinner or snacks or whatever he always leans over kisses me and says thank you for whatever it is.
    
    
42. What song describes your life right now?
    
    Oh lord! I am the worst at that because I never know the name of songs… [gets out phone] – hold on! Thank you Lord by Thomas Rhett.
    

A: All done!! Is there anything else you want to add?
M: I didn’t know this Q& A would make me cry, laugh… I think you need to do it with your dad too! Super bowl night is not the night to do it though!

I just love and adore my mom!! Anyone that meets her just loves her too. She is truly such a sweet, sweet soul. I just pray one day I will be half of the mom she is. Because if that’s the case, wow my kids are blessed! A true woman of strength, class, resilience, high character, joy and love. I’m the lucky one that gets to call her mom!

I hope you enjoyed this as much as I did. Thank you mama for doing a Q&A session with me! Love you forever and always!! XOXO

Until next time friends,

Amanda

Hi friends! We’re back again and ready to write. I had a lot of different ideas for this post, but the one thought that keeps coming to mind is this:

Other people’s problems are not yours to fix. When you try to fix everyone’s problems you rob them of the lessons they are supposed to learn AND if they don’t learn THEIR lesson they will continue to make the same mistakes until they do learn.

Mic drop.

Well wait there is more! Plenty more! Raw, real, honest and transparent feelings and struggles ahead with lessons learned. I have a feeling this one will resonate with a lot of people. Get your blanket, drink of choice and let’s dive in!

See for years I have struggled with:

-The Fear of making a mistake, making the wrong decision or one that will upset people. I just wanted to please the people in my life and never ever disappoint the people I loved or loved me the most.

-The feeling of shame/embarrassment that came from the times I felt I didn’t live a certain way or to a level society expected me to live. I also struggled with the shame that came from making a mistake regardless if it was in my control or not. In my eyes, mistakes were costly and would set me back. I had to hold myself to a certain level of “perfect” that I set in my mind or I would be unlovable.

– The feeling of over-responsibility when it comes to other people’s problems/issues. I either try to fix the problem on my own or worse take responsibility as if I was the one that caused the problem. It has been a common theme for me to take full accountability for anything and everything in my life regardless if it is my problem or not.

– Perfectionism in the way I wanted to be viewed by the people in my life. I wanted to be seen as a successful person. The problem is I based my success off of society’s checklist. You know go to college, meet your husband, get a job, buy a house, get married, have kids, etc. Which is a huge reason I struggled so much through my divorce because people like me don’t get divorced. It was a huge hit to my ego, impacted the view I had of myself, broke the trust I had in my decision making skills and so much more. In my eyes, that “checklist” was my way to feel, look, and be successful. If I checked every box on that list, then the people in my life would think I was successful too and I wouldn’t be a disappointment. I never wanted to people to think I wasn’t living my life the “right” way.

– Competitiveness in the way I always had to maintain an above average life. I was never the very best, but I was always above average… in school, sports, work, etc. My fear from possibly making a mistake and not wanting to be in the limelight has always been a belief that has held me back. People love to watch the best fail right? Well that’s a saying I have always heard. I never wanted to deal with the rejection, criticism or judgement from making a mistake if I was the best. In my eyes, being above average kept me out of the limelight, I could stay off of people’s radars and continue to make people proud of me. Plus if I did fail, I was still above average so I had some wiggle room for imperfection.

– I have always been frustrated for my shortcomings and how unfair things always seem. I always knew and still know I am capable of so much more than what my life is right now. I have always been the one holding myself back. In my eyes, it always felt I had to work ten times harder than my peers for the good grades, starting positions or money/job recognition. It just feels that things have never come easy for me. I have to fight and grind my way to get/achieve anything. I have held myself back with the thought I didn’t deserve it, wasn’t good enough to have it, not qualified to achieve it or just didn’t straight up didn’t have the energy to accomplish it. Which in return would piss me off I even had those thoughts. A little cycle of never ending frustration.

There seems to be I am on a merry-go-round for a lot of my struggles. They are all interconnected and impact each other. With those struggles comes the following:

-The need to control everything
-Holding myself to my standard of “perfect” (which news flash is not ever possible!)
-Lack of boundaries
-Lack of ability to say no
-Internalizing frustrations
-Paralysis when making decisions
-Holding myself back

…and quite a few others, but those are the main ones I have really been working on for a little over a year now.

All of those struggles listed above have helped mold me into who I am today. Do I love those traits about myself? They aren’t my favorite, but it is apart of who I am. Those traits are what make me, Amanda. I am just making a conscious effort to be better in all areas of my life through different methods of therapy and healing processes. I want my mind, body, spirit and soul to be in a constant work in progress. I am striving to be better, stronger, and healthier.

Let’s dive a little deeper into the effects of my struggles aka the little list above.

First one up! The need to control everything. I have discovered a pattern this past year. When I lack control for the things going on in my life (think relationship, job, family matters, personal matters, etc.) I get real OCD about my house, car, cleaning, organizing. etc. I like things a certain way, but when I lack a sense of control I am over the top about it. I get very impatient and upset when things are unorganized, dirty, or messed up. I have done this pattern for many years, but I just assumed that I was annoyed with something and it would pass. It would, but the difference now is I look at things from a different perspective.

Friends, most emotions we express are secondary emotions. Which means there is a root to every emotion we feel. When I say I now look at things from a different perspective it means I am looking for the root of the emotion. Why am I annoyed? Why am I impatient? Why am I frustrated? Why am I cleaning like a psychopath? A majority of the time it was from a feeling of a lack of control in some area of my life. There is something so freeing about recognizing the root cause, asking yourself if it is something you can control (95% it is not) and then choosing your reaction from there. Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react. I have become very in tune with my emotions and have become more aware of this pattern. I now know how to work through the feelings that come with the feeling of a lack of control. Progress, friends, progress!

We have already touched on holding myself to my idea of “perfect”, so let’s dive into the lack of boundaries and not being able to say no. I want to clarify I am capable of setting boundaries and saying no. Where I lack the ability is with my people… my family and friends.

I am a fixer, listener, genuine person, very honest and someone that is available a majority of the time. That is the perfect recipe for being a go-to person when shit is hitting the fan, when people have an issue, or when life is good. I love being the anchor/go-to person for my friends and family. Steady, consistent, and grounded regardless of the situation around me. As much as I love being that person, it has come with a price.

I have lost sleep, cried, added grey hairs, and carried the stress from other people’s problems for years. Especially when it came to my family and friends. I always had this feeling that if I didn’t listen, try to help fix their problem or wasn’t there for them when they needed someone it meant I wasn’t being a good friend. I assumed they would feel lonely, not cared for, unheard, unseen or unimportant. I would never want my friends or family to feel that way, so I would answer the phone even though I didn’t have the energy. I would go above and beyond for them even though the same effort wasn’t always reciprocated towards me. I would show up and be there when they needed me. I was always a listening ear, shoulder to cry on or person to vent to. I would listen and talk about anything and everything under the sun. I would do whatever it took to make sure they felt loved, cherished and important regardless the toll it took on me. I love my people big and hard. I just didn’t know how to set boundaries and say no.

This past year has been transformational when it comes to the relationships in my life. I have been to many hours of therapy (different versions) to work through a lot. The main thing I worked on was setting boundaries and not taking responsibility to fix people’s problems. Boundaries are very healthy and very hard to hold when you are someone that didn’t have strong boundaries with the people I am close to for many years. When I would set a boundary I felt like I was letting someone down and cared less about them. Which is not true, but it is how I felt for many years… hence why I struggled setting boundaries. Boundaries aren’t necessarily for other people. They are for you and your mental health.

This past year I broke the belief that setting boundaries with my family and friends means I care about them less. I broke the belief that it’s my job to fix people’s problems. I broke the belief I always have to be there for people. I broke the belief that setting boundaries is scary, hard, insensitive, and rude. I broke the belief that setting boundaries opens the door for people to fully reject you.

What I learned is boundaries are healthy and good. At first, people will push back and not like when you set boundaries. They will eventually come around or they won’t. Either outcome is okay. Boundaries are a form of self-love. Boundaries are important for your peace. Boundaries can absolutely be selfish and for good reason. Boundaries are set as a standard of how you allow people to treat you. Most importantly, I learned you can love someone, care for them and be there for them all while setting boundaries.

AND drum roll please… the biggest thing I learned and accepted is my ONLY job as a friend, daughter, sister, and girlfriend is to love my people. My job is not to fix their problems or take responsibility for them. My job is to love them for them and support them in their decisions. My job is to love them through all of life’s moments. My job is to TRUST they are capable of making their own decisions and dealing with the circumstances that come of them. I learned it’s okay to let things go, not be so available and let people figure things out on their own.

What’s crazy is the way people have handled their problems when they had to figure it out on their own has surprised me, encouraged me, and taught me something new. What?! Who knew that was possible? [insert wink]

By learning to set boundaries I have also learned how to clearly communicate my frustrations and process my emotions quickly. I have learned to be brave and speak up. It’s okay to upset people. Everyone is not going to agree with your decisions. People are going to judge you regardless so you might as well do what feels right to you. It is a okay to not have it all figured out and just be in the moment. It is okay to give your future to God and watch his plan unveil itself.

In the past, I have analyzed every decision I would have to make. What were the pros, cons, advantages, disadvantages and possible outcomes. Which is important, but too much of anything is a bad thing. The lists and analysis have for sure paralyzed me at times. I am learning to trust my gut instincts again and stand firm in my decisions. (When I got divorced I doubted my decision making skills because how could I have missed all the signs? That’s another topic for another day though.) It is okay to let things go and move forward with every expectation you are going to make mistakes and could possibly fail. Because, my friend, in the end you will always end up right where you are supposed to be. God knows every twist, turn and path you will take. Being a control freak is hard to have the faith he has your back through all of it. I know he does. I just doubt it at times.

I will never know the outcome of things unless I move forward with an action. I can sit in paralysis analysis forever. I can hold myself back because I am scared of mistakes, failure and what people will think of me OR I can move forward in faith, confidence, courage and strength. The choice is mine. I can and will continue to set boundaries, say no when I want, and work on my mental health to be better in all these areas. I will continue to love my people and be there for them. I will let people fix their own problems and learn their own lessons in their own time. I will support them through their journey. I now judge the “success” of my life on my happiness, health and progress versus the society checklist. I know what is meant for me will happen exactly when it’s supposed to. That would include marriage, kids, buying a house, and whatever else my future holds. Do I want those things? Absolutely. But again all that is given to God with the prayers I will follow and trust his direction even if it doesn’t make sense. It will all come in divine timing.

I am a constant work in progress. I am very in-tune with my emotions and am constantly working through them. I am a totally different person than I was two years ago because I have put in some serious hard-work to heal and be better. What’s actually mind blowing is four years ago this week I was on my honeymoon. L O freaking L! What a journey the past four years have been and the growth I have made in my life!! That right there gives me SO much confidence in God’s plan for me and my life. Even with that confidence though I still have doubts sometimes. I often question what the heck he is up to and if he hears little ole’ me down here.

Okay, friends, that’s enough for today. Let’s do a little recap!!

Set boundaries. Let people fix their own problems and learn their own lessons in their timing. Love your people big and hard! Have faith in your future and God’s plan for your life. What is meant for you will happen in diving timing. Soak up the chaos, embrace constant change and enjoy your journey. It is definitely quite the ride!!

Thank you for reading along and supporting this little ole’ blog of mine. Have an incredible day!!

Until next time,

Amanda

Hi friends! We are 24 days into 2022 and I keep writing 2021. Oops! Anyway, this year is going to be one of many things and one of those being more blog posts. The other week I had a dream this blog was mega big and I would have guest writers weekly. All things were talked about and it was such a fun, inviting, love yourself kind of place to be. I was famous and fabulous!! Haha That would all be really cool, but why wait until that happens to be fabulous and have guest writers?? We don’t have to. So this year is going to include more blogging with all of that and then some. We are going to semi change the theme of this blog too. Right now it’s more about healing, raw, and real feelings about going through life post divorce. There will still be posts of raw feelings and the healing journey. I will also include favorite things, recaps, fun Q&A’s, and random stuff. 2022 is going to be a theme with lots of laughter and a whole lot of livin’! I just choose to share some of that with you! So why not kick it off with a little recap of December? Here we go my friend!

When’s the last time I blogged?? November 30th… It was a list of the golden nuggets I learned from my 20’s. You can check it out here if you missed it. Now real life recap… what was I up to in December?

(If you know me, you know I bounce around in conversation, so there is no particular order to this recap. I was just writing as things came to mind and referencing my Google photos from December – LOL!)

For my birthday, Matt got us a 1964 1/2 mustang to fix up together. He knows how to work on cars. I kind of have a clue and definitely do not at the same time. In early December, he changed the oil and put new tires on it. I feel like we need a name for her… how about Pearl? She is a cream color with red interior. A real American beauty!! I am hoping when hunting season is over and the weather warms up we can get back to working on the stang! It really fills the quality time love language bucket which just happens to be my #1 love language. He did a fun reveal of Pearl at my birthday. He’s so great!

Lauren at Lauren Leigh Photography did my pictures and she was amazing!!

My parents took the boat out a few times when the weather was nice and toasty. Someone snapped this picture of them and it is definitely one of my favorites. They are just precious people. They love each other so much and have a true partnership for 30 plus years. That’s not saying all 30 were perfect. It is just saying they have always had each other’s back and grew together while choosing to love each other every day. My mom, dad and I all work in the same general area, so we meet for lunch quite often. It’s the best! I am so thankful to have two parents that love each other and still invest in their kid’s lives. We have always been a priority and there has never been a day I didn’t feel loved. That, my friends, is so very special. I hope they have felt the same way too because Lord knows the love is strong between all of us!

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Speaking of love… we love our B man!! My nephew is a HOOT! He is so fun, sweet, and witty. He will be four in April, so he is at such a fun age. That age also comes with no filter and brutal honesty. He just says exactly what is on his mind. Getting a picture with him is quite the challenge too unless it’s a goofy one. One day in December my mom was on the phone with my sister and B. He asked her if she was shooting fireworks… she was chopping cucumbers. HAHA! I swear he is getting bigger every time we see him. He looks so big in the second photo and is such a cutie pie! We just adore and love him so much!!

I made a few new recipes, but one that was a major hit was the Christmas Italian cheese log appetizer. It makes an entire loaf pan size cheese log, so be aware of size. It’s wonderful as leftovers, but just a lot. You can find the recipe here. It was so pretty for Christmas parties. The picture was from the first time I made it and the second time I made sure to get the sundried tomatoes that were already cut. I think it would be delicious stuffed inside a chicken breast.

Random, but in December I got bit by a spider. It was near my eye which was no fun. It looked like a massive pimple and my entire eyelid was swollen for a few days. All good now! I feel like people either have a phobia of spiders or snakes? Mine are snakes. Which do you fear more or do you have super powers and not fear either?

I went to dinner with one of my friends, Victoria, mid December. We went to dinner at Hearsay. She mentioned something about a warm brownie and ice cream for dessert and I couldn’t get it out of my mind, so we literally went to another restaurant to have that exact dessert. I mean is there anything better than a warm brownie and Blue Bell ice cream? Nope. But I will say good food, even better conversation and being home and in bed by 11 is a very close second. We both agreed to more nights like that this year and taking pictures together. Because we didn’t take one that night. I just took a good ole’ car selfie to send to Matt since he was at the ranch that weekend. After sending it, he told me I was so pretty I needed to turn around and go home… haha That man sure knows how to make a girl blush! That same weekend my entire immediate family and fur babes went on a family walk. The weather was chilly, but one of those beautiful Texas December days. We went on a long walk, snapped pictures and everyone got exercise. Quality family time is one of my favorite things to do. B can do the firetruck and police siren perfect. Well B proceeded to do the siren noise for a good solid five minutes on our walk after a firetruck drove by with the siren on. It was comical!

In December I was in a major clean out mood which was normally happened on a Friday night. I know, I know so wild over here! I love playing “dress up” in your own closet and putting new outfits together. Of course, you have to send your new creations to friends and get yourself hyped to wear your “new outfits” the following week. Does anyone else do this? It just feels so good to clean and organize.

I have the two sweetest fur babes around. One is a diva and the other is velcro. Can you figure out which one is which??

The fur babes went on lots of walks, learned a few new tricks, played and we all snuggled a lot. These two are rescues and we all needed each other. My precious angel babes really bring so much love and light to my life! These two just choose fur instead of wings.

My sister started a new tradition. Dinner and decorating Christmas cookies. Liz loves traditions and she will make them happen. B created a dinosaur and star with all the icing, glitter and sprinkles. Moments like this are what life is about. Living life and making memories!

Every Christmas Eve I make gumbo from scratch. We have been doing it for a couple of years and it is a true labor of love. This year I had some help from B and my mama. Once the gumbo was simmering, I went on the boat with my dad and B for a little boat ride. Boat rides in December when you have to bundle up are the best. The gumbo turned out really good and we timed everything perfect for our Christmas Eve dinner. We had some friends that are more like family join us. They brought delicious sides/appetizers and we just enjoyed the quality time together. Christmas Eve is one of my favorite holidays. We all agreed next year we would come in Christmas PJ’s and maybe play a few games. Low key and laid back!

Christmas day was full of activity! Breakfast and gifts at my parents house, lunch at Matt’s parent’s house, and dinner back at my parent’s house. Great food, happy moments, lots of laughter and people getting arrested by the police officer.

I finished the last week of the year by going to work, meeting friends for dinner, cleaning, organizing, resting, ringing in the New Year with Matt and his family, reflecting on the year and reminiscing on the good, bad, and ugly times of 2021. I try to reflect on the lessons learned, how I can be better next year and most importantly the wins and growth I had the past year.

December was overall a great month, full of those little memories we tend to forget about in the grand scheme of things. These years and moments are what make me feel so thankful God chose me to live this life. He continues to bless me with incredible people that push me to be better and love me for all that I am.

We laugh, we love and most importantly we live!!

Stay tuned for all the different blog posts this year! Hold on for the ride… it’s going to be a fun one!!

Until next time,

Amanda

Hi friends! My intention was to post this the day I turned 30… 30 days later. How fitting?? LOL

I originally had a recap of my 20’s and a list of 30 golden nuggets combined, but I want this one to shine on it’s own. I gained a lot of wisdom through my twenties, especially in my late twenties. I truly believe I found my voice and identity. I am confident in my shoes, who I am, what I believe in and where I am going. What a fun ride it has been so far and we are just getting started!

Here’s the list!! Enjoy!

1. You always get more with honey than vinegar. “Can you help me?” goes a long way! 99% of people want to help and are willing to help. Don’t be afraid to ask. The answer is always no, if you don’t ask.
   
2. No is a full sentence. No need to explain yourself!
   
3. Most people are struggling whether it be mentally, physically, financially, spiritually… we are all battling something. Be kind. A lot is hidden behind closed doors people don’t know about or talk about.
   
4. Small acts of kindness can change someone’s life. Hold the door. Smile. Give the compliments. If you think about something nice, say it. If you think about someone, text them to let them know. Everyone wants to feel important and be seen. Everyone will always remember the way you made them feel.
   
5. You can lose everything, start completely over and it will be better than it was. You gained some wisdom in the end. I say you fail forward. Every time I lost something, it was always replaced with something better.
   
6. You marry someone’s family. It’s a package deal. You need to look at everything and everyone. No one is perfect, so figure out what you are willing to tolerate and what you aren’t. The most repeated advice I have heard from couples that have been married for a long time is, “Marry someone that will make you laugh. Laughter can get you through just about anything.”
   
7. Don’t EVER be too afraid of what people will think when it comes to the decisions of your life. Don’t be afraid of the hard conversations. People will ALWAYS have an opinion. Live your life. Stand firm in your decisions. Regardless which decision you make, you will always end up right where you are supposed to be.
   
8. Invest in your friendships… time is the currency!
   
9. Vision boards really do work. Dream BIG!
   
10. Don’t be afraid to make a mistake. You learn WAY more from making a mistake than you do from always being perfect. It’s better to mess up than to never start at all. Be brave my friends!
    
11. Perfection is not real or obtainable. Progress is everything. The journey is the fun part! The end result is never celebrated or feels the way you thought it would. The middle part is where the juicy character building moments are. Those are the days you reminiscence on and talk about. Enjoy your journey! Soak up the little moments.
    
12. Shoot. your. shot. Just go for it! Figure it out on the way there. Just take the first step!
    
13. People are in your life for specific seasons or a lifetime. If God calls on you to help someone, be there. That is a gift when God calls you to be someone’s angel. We all need people! Life takes a village!
    
14. Always do the right thing even when it is hard. You will never be able to “get someone back” like karma can. No need to put any negative juju in your world. Karma is a bitch. Let her work!
    
15. When you have a hard day stop and smell the roses. The roses are a roof over your head, food in your belly, A/C or heater, gas in your vehicle, people that love you, and whatever else. Stop and look around at the blessings. It will change your perspective real quick. It is also important to acknowledge you are having a tough day and some days just suck. Most of the time tomorrow is better. Never forget there is always good in every day some days you just have to look a little bit harder.
    
16. Schedule all the big rocks in your life first. Work everything else around that. You can’t pour from an empty cup. Faith, family, friends and health should come before your job. Money is great, but is money going to be standing next to you on your death bed? That would be a no. If something happened to you tomorrow, your “job” would find someone to replace you and do the work. Too much of anything is bad. It’s all about balance. Nothing is ever fully balanced… just do your best and remember you are an important person in your life too. Quality over quantity any day!
    
17. Learn when to rest. Not to quit. Stress is a silent killer. Have an outlet.
    
18. When someone criticizes you, they are giving you the opportunity to be better/fix the mistake. With that said, OWN YOUR MISTAKES!!! Make it right with the person. Do not be too prideful to say sorry. We all mess up! How are you going to argue with someone that says, “I messed up. I am really sorry. I am going to make this right and be better next time.” That’s right… you can’t. Just make sure you keep your word and actually be better. Don’t be the asshole that keeps doing the same thing over and over again.
    
19. Hang up and hang out! Put your phone down at times. Look up at the life around you not what is on your screen. You are watching other people live their life.
    
20. Your life can change in seconds. God also answers prayers the second it is meant for you. He sees and hears everything, so be grateful for unanswered prayers too. What is meant for you, will be. Move forward with childlike faith and watch him work.
    
21. Don’t feel the pressure to get married, have kids, buy a house, etc. by a certain age. F Society!! You do what you think is best for you. No one knows you better than you know yourself! Everything will come right when it is supposed to.
    
22. Counseling is incredible and worth every single penny. It is good to go even when you feel good. Also, if you aren’t vibing with your counselor get a new one. You aren’t married. I just got super lucky with mine!
    
23. Take pictures. Journal. They will be treasures to look back on.
    
24. 95% of the bridges you think you are going to cross, you never will. Face the bridge when you get there. Worrying doesn’t do anyone good. Someone once told me worrying is like sitting in a rocking chair. You are moving, but aren’t going anywhere. It’s a complete waste of energy.
    
25. In a relationship, you need hobbies of your own. It’s important to keep your identity. It’s healthy to have some separation.
    
26. You cannot be mad at someone for not meeting your expectations if you do not clearly communicate them. Don’t beat around the bush. Just be straight up! I need _____ from you. Now when you clearly state your reasonable expectations and they are not met. Well go on with your mad self.
    
27. Drink H2O. Take care of your skin. Exercise. Sleep. Take care of your body!! You only get one.
    
28. You will walk away from the relationship, job, friendship, etc. when YOU are ready! Until then, no matter what anyone says to you, you won’t. Quit being so hard on yourself for it. Enjoy the process, look for the lessons and keep putting one foot in front of the other. Time will reveal everything.
    
29. When people tell you about things in their life, good or bad, set yourself a reminder or add it into your calendar or however you remember stuff to check in/encourage/celebrate with them. People want to feel important. Everyone has a lot on their plate, so no shame in my reminder/calendar invite game. Also, when someone pops in your head, shoot them a text or call them. Just let them know you are thinking of them. You don’t know the impact a simple text can make on someone.
    
30. No one is perfect. Grace is necessary for every relationship in your life and for yourself!

This list was originally 60 nuggets plus long. I shortened it and did my best to include the top 30. There is an opportunity to gain wisdom every day. What a gift to learn! As much as you look for the lessons, look for the blessings! so far 30 is great! 30 is more grey hairs (still holding out on coloring my hair). 30 is true friends. 30 is confidence. 30 is still figuring it out and having a better idea of what to do and where to go. I have a feeling my 30’s are going to be a great decade for me! I am excited to soak up every adventure this life will take me on. Until then, we will continue blogging and living each day to the fullest!

Have a great week!

Until next time,

Amanda

Hi friends! What a beautiful day! Just a friendly reminder, his work is not done. You woke up today. What a gift! Today is going to be a great day!! I didn’t always have this mentality. I used to struggle getting out of bed. I would lay in bed and try to convince myself I was sick, had a headache or whatever reason I could come up with to stay home. I would dread the idea of having to “face” the world each day. I was exhausted mentally, emotionally and physically. I had a list of stuff to do with no energy to do it. I didn’t really have an appetite. My eyes were tired. My undereye bags had their own bags. I just was getting through life feeling like I was walking through a muddy, uneven, rocky field covered in bruises and pains from life’s blows. Somehow every day I was still getting back up and putting one foot in front of the other. I was slowly but surely making progress even on the days it felt like I was standing still.

If you have been here a while, you know my story. If not, here’s a quick recap:

• Got engaged
• Bought a house
• Flooded in Harvey and we lost 90% of everything we owned.
• Remodeled the house while planning a wedding, working through all the stuff for flood insurance and living with my parents. Oh and we both had sales jobs. Mine was 100% commission.
• Get married 11/11/2017
• Move back into our house
• Take a delayed 10-day honeymoon to Mexico in February. It was incredible!
• A month after we get back, I was cheated on in our home when I was out of town for a friend’s bachelorette party. (I never had hard proof, but knew something was off. He later confessed in counseling and told me the truth. Just took a while. My “gut” feeling/intuition was spot on with what happened with a few missing pieces.)
• A few weeks later he told he was going to go on a solo backpacking trip to Europe for ten days to “find himself”. He was 28 and newly married. Solo my ass. I had two months to get my ducks in a row. He went at the end of May.
• He actually was with her at the beginning and end of his trip. He went to London, Spain and then back to London. She lived in London.
• He came back to divorce papers and a half empty house. I served him papers myself. To my parents, sister and friends that helped me pack up my house – forever grateful. Yall were my rock and I couldn’t have done it without each of you.
• We worked on our marriage through counseling. It was his suggestion to go. I am so glad I went and threw the kitchen sink at our marriage. Our marriage counselor is still my counselor to this day. She is amazing!!!!
• Ultimately, I made the decision I couldn’t be with him anymore and our divorce was final 12/21/2018.
• Then I spent years healing and working through my baggage and continue to work through it to this day. It is a journey and I am working my tail off to be better every day.

Now I am in a really great place mentally, emotionally and physically. It was a journey to get here and one I will always be on. I still have hard days. I have learned through therapy how to cope and communicate through triggers, life moments and situations that are out of my control. I am now in more of a maintenance/preventive stage in regards to my mental health and still go to counseling. It is a journey. I cannot stress that enough.

Lately, I have had a few people in my life I am very close to tell me their struggles. How they feel like they are just beat up from life. Not enough. Not worthy. They have no hope things will get better. They are in a character building chapter of their life. While talking to my people that are struggling, it brought up memories of what my days were like and the things I would do on a daily basis to keep putting one foot in front of the other. I used to feel like I was in a pink inner tube floating in the ocean during a hurricane and now I am sitting in that same pink inner tube floating the Frio River. It has some rapids, sometimes I have to walk when the water is low and put in more work, but for the most part it is smooth sailing in calm waters while I am enjoying the view.

I want to start things first by saying if you are someone experiencing a character building chapter just know it does get better if you put in the work to be better. You have a choice every day to be better even if it is the simplest of things such as getting out of bed. Lord knows some days getting out of bed was my one and only win for the day and I was damn proud of myself for getting up.

My character building chapter(s) started when we had to evacuate our house during Harvey. The water came up so fast! It was such an awful feeling having to leave our safe place… our home. We put stuff up as high as we could, took a video of the entire house, packed a weeks worth of clothes, important documents, blew up the air mattress and floated down the street. We stayed at a family friend’s house about two miles from our house. Talk about angels on Earth!! We got back into our house in about a week and demo started. Our friends and family came to help us with the clean up process. The smell.. barf. We had random strangers bring us food. Neighbors helped and our community came around us. I just remember my heart feeling overwhelmed with gratitude. It is a great feeling to be loved. We were sad about losing everything, but at the end of the day we still had the important stuff… health, family, friends, and each other. When something traumatic happens the initial days/weeks following are hard, but you have a ton of support. It’s the following weeks when everyone gets back to the day-to-day of life where things get tough. Our life was still a mess and theirs goes back to normal.

Harvey happened at the end of August/early September. My parents moved us into their house immediately. Our cars flooded. We had minimal clothing and the clothes we had were work in our house clothes. We went from a four bedroom house to a bedroom. That was a humbling experience to say the least. I worked 60 miles away. I would get up at 4:30/5am and leave the house by 5:30am at the latest. I had to get to my office by 7:30am for a morning meeting which I was normally late for. Which was so frustrating. I always felt no matter what I did or how hard I tried, it was never enough. I would leave the office around 7/7:30pm to avoid traffic and get back to my parents house around 8:30/9. I would cook dinner or heat up the meals that people made for us. Then we would sit at the table and work on the insurance spreadsheet. We had to list everything we had, where we got it, how much we bought it for and what it was worth today if we bought a new one. We went through thousands of pictures, video, etc. to figure it out. It was extensive. We would walk the dog around the neighborhood to get some quality time and then it was time for bed around 11/12. The days were very long and exhausting. I felt like I was in survival mode, so that meant in my relationship there was little to no sex, no energy for social stuff, and I was very “cold” to J (that’s what we will call my ex). This was the first time in our relationship I was not okay. I was struggling big time and wasn’t the best at communicating what I needed. I shut down and put all my focus into making it through each day. My attention was hardly on him. As some people would say, we were in a very low spot in our relationship. J was a Rockstar through all this. He seemed to have tons of energy, worked hard and closed big deals, took charge on the insurance stuff, would get up with me to make my coffee before my long drive and tried to keep things “fresh” in our relationship. I was just so numb and depressed. I recognized all the effort J was making, but I didn’t verbalize my appreciation as much as I should have. This is the crazy thing though… going through the day to day those months with him made me want to marry him more. I was not okay and he stepped up to be my rock during those months. I didn’t care about the big wedding. I would have married him in our destroyed living room covered in drywall dust in our sweaty/dirty clothes. I wanted a person that would be by my side through the good, bad and ugly of life… then and now.

We were scheduled to get married in December, but the place we were going to get married flooded. We ended up changing our wedding and wedding date to 11/11. We got married in San Marcos, TX. We both went to college there and the town held so many great memories. We got married in Sewell Park. It’s a tradition after graduation to jump in the river fully clothed to signify you are starting a new chapter of your life. We jumped in after we graduated and jumped in after we got married. Yes, dress and all! We had a reception at my aunt and uncle’s house. It was awesome. You could definitely feel the love in the room. The energy was unmatched. We wanted to take a delayed honeymoon so we could truly relax, celebrate our house being complete and our marriage. We scheduled that for February. In the meantime, we were still living at my parent’s house. Our wedding was such a high! It was definitely not ideal to go back to my parents house after getting married. That was our situation though. We were just thankful to have a roof over our head and to have each other.

We were able to move back into our house at the end of December. Oh bless!! Life was going to get back to normal being in our place again. We hung things on the walls. Put wedding pictures up. Slowly got our furniture in. Things were coming together. I could finally start seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. The light was starting to shine through… for me. Things were just starting to get dark for J. The pendulum was swinging back. See I was so focused on getting through each day that I neglected my marriage. Through the whole process I asked him a few times how he was really doing? He seemed to have it all together and was handling everything so well. Our sex life was minimal which is awful as newlyweds. We were both completely exhausted. Both of our love tanks were bone dry and cracking. What a great way to start a marriage… not. Our relationship was tested by a natural disaster, complete home remodel, wedding planning and living with my parents all at the same time. One can break a couple. It just took four to break us. Looking back now, I would have done things different. I would have waited on the wedding.

Our marriage was rocky at the beginning. Being back in our house I thought things would be different. It was just us and we could finally be newlyweds if you know what I mean. It was and it wasn’t. Now I felt J turn cold towards me. I didn’t push the issue too hard because I assumed he would come out of his funk soon just like I did. It was so much deeper though.

Now we are in February. We go on our honeymoon. We took a picture in the airport before we left and you can see the exhaustion in our eyes. We spent ten days in Mexico. It was amazing. We came back tan, rested and I felt our marriage got shocked by the life paddles. We needed the break, the rest and the time together. We got back and J still felt cold. He started traveling more and closing really big deals. Things were really moving for us. We were living in a beautiful home. We were both working out and feeling good about our bodies. He was killing it at work and I was starting to pick up pace again. I really felt like I could breathe again and this was the beginning of something incredible! I was so optimistic about the future. I was strong in my belief that if we could have gone through that and survived, we could get through anything. We were going to finally experience marriage, travel and make memories we always dreamed of.

Well a month after our honeymoon almost to the date J cheated. What’s shitty is the day before he cheated I had this overwhelming feeling I was ready to start a family. PHAHA Nope. He brought a girl into our house that was kicked out of our good friend’s house. They sat at our kitchen table and talked about our marriage. She made a move on him and he didn’t have the strength to say no or stop it.

That was a Friday night. Here’s a weird thing. That night I was at my friend’s bachelorette party in Destin, FL. We were having fun and then all of a sudden I got this terrible feeling in my gut that something was very wrong. My entire mood changed and something was just not sitting right with me. I blew it off because everything had to be okay and I didn’t want anything to be wrong. I was not ready to weather another storm. My clothes weren’t dry from the last one. We got back to the house and I texted J around 3:45am to let him know we were back. He responded and said he had an eventful night and proceeded to tell me this girl was now staying in our house. It didn’t sit right with me, but I trusted him. He wouldn’t cheat on me. I am his new wife. We just went through all that crap. He wouldn’t throw it all away for a piece of ass. Well long story short, they hung out all weekend, partied, went out to eat and whatever else until I got back. He said there wasn’t a hotel available in the entire Houston area… phahaha dude. Come up with a better excuse. Sunday while I was in the airport waiting on my flight to come back, one of my friends called me to tell me what happened at their house. She didn’t confirm or deny anything happened. She just said that it made her so uncomfortable she felt she needed to let me know. There are a lot of other little details that made me feel uncomfortable with the whole thing, but we will save that for another day. I got back into town. He picked me up from the airport. He was being extra sweet and I was being very standoffish because I knew I wasn’t getting the whole truth. We walked into our house and I knew something happened. I am a intuition/gut feel kind of person and I could just feel the energy in our house. I had already put together a timeline/story line while I waited in the airport from our security system history log, but there were definitely holes.

Here we go again, get the umbrella, rainboots, raincoat… I was about to weather another storm. This one was going to be equivalent to Hurricane Harvey with the damage it would cause. Lovely.

We are in March/April now. We talked about things and our marriage. We finally peeled back the onion on things that were wrong and what we both needed. We poured in our marriage. Dates, affirmations, and weekend trips. I would periodically ask about that weekend and his story would change every. single. time. I knew to my core he cheated. I just didn’t have the proof. J planned a guys trip with one his best friends. He went and left his wedding ring, but brought his Rolex. When I addressed him about it he said he thought he had it and it was an honest mistake. Oh really?! You just got accused of cheating on your new wife a few weeks prior and you casually “forget” your wedding ring?? It was a week after he got back when he said he wanted to go on his solo backpacking trip. He said at one point, “Yeah, I will go travel to all these places and bring you back to places I think you will like.” [insert middle finger emoji]

It is now a moderate rain. I knew the storms were really coming and I had a terrible feeling in my stomach. He started traveling for work a lot. He would leave on a Sunday night or early Monday morning. He would come back on Thursday or Friday. He was always “too busy” to talk while he was traveling which was not his norm in the past. He was busy with his friends on the weekends. When he was home he would sit and eat dinner in his office. He didn’t want to be around me and if he did it was very forced and short term. I knew something happened. I would ask him if he cheated and just wanted the honest truth. He swore he didn’t and he loved me and only me. J was a planner and he said for his backpacking trip he was going to go to London with a backpack and just figure it out from there. People at least plan their living situation for the first night or a couple of days. Well after a few weeks of this weird behavior I just knew I had to figure out my options and start getting my ducks in a row.

At this point, I kept a smile on my face for everyone else. I kept my feelings to myself. I was sleeping a few hours a day. Forcing myself to eat during the day because I had no appetite and knew I needed to eat. I would cry all the time. I could feel myself breaking down. I was holding on by a thread and no one knew it. Eventually I let a very small group of people know what was going on. I went to work every day and told my client’s how great marriage was. We were great! Life is good! Hell no it wasn’t. It was awful. How could someone you trusted, loved and picked to spend the rest of your life with stab you in the back like that?!

Where I worked at the time, we would start our day with a gratitude list. My gratitude list was so full of attitude, sarcasm and mockery as if I was a 5-year old. I am grateful for life, water, family, friends, dogs… nothing… life sucks… showers I can cry in… ability to cry, ice packs for my swollen eyes… coffee.. definitely thankful for coffee. I was in the dumps. I had little money and working in a 100% commission job when your personal world is so fucked up and being flipped upside down is hard. Very hard.

The bags under my eyes returned. I lost about 20lbs. My hair was falling out from the stress. I was exhausted. I wasn’t sleeping, eating and honestly felt like I was barely functioning. I was back in survival mode. My only goal for the day was to get out of bed and get back in bed. Oh and keep in mind, I put on a fake smile, and an everything is fine act to my husband because I had to get my ducks in a row before I left him. I had to meet with a divorce attorney, find an apartment, get my own insurance and everything else without him knowing. We had a joint bank account. Only by God’s grace was I able to have the strength to do that.

Now we are at the end of May and he is going on his trip. I told him I would take him to the airport, but before I suggested we get lunch. I told him at lunch I had met with an attorney to figure out my options. He didn’t know, but I had already lined up an apartment. If he went, I would move in. If he stayed, I would cancel it. He was upset and didn’t think things were “that” bad. He went on his trip and every ounce of me was hoping he wouldn’t get on that plane. He made his decision and went. Talk about dark moments and ugly crying all the way home. My heart felt like it was in my stomach. The hurricane has now made landfall.. pouring down rain and high winds. I went to my empty apartment, got food, looked around and told myself everything was going to be okay. I knew in that moment it would be because I had already proven my strength so far. I had tapped into the strength of a super women to build back our life after Hurricane Harvey and now this. I sat in that apartment feeling empty and so incredibly lonely.

I went back to our house because it was so much easier with the dogs and it was closer to work. Naturally I doubted if I was doing the right thing by moving out and maybe I was just overthinking it. He wouldn’t cheat on me. I was the crazy one. Not true. Long story short… in one week I got proof he was there with her from a picture. I called the lawyer to have the divorce papers ready by Friday. I called the moving truck and scheduled them a day later. My mom and sister helped me pack up my house. I cleaned the house. Did all his laundry, mowed the yard and cleaned out the fridge so he wouldn’t have to worry about anything in regards to the house when he got back. I was officially moved out Sunday and served him with divorce papers Sunday evening. Honestly, the entire week I was numb. I try to go back and reflect on how I was feeling. I can’t in detail. I was numb and 100% going through the motions. My life changed the weekend he cheated, but now the real change was happening. I moved out on my own for the very first time in my life. I had very little money. I served my husband with divorce papers. I tapped into a strength I didn’t know I had. I finally stood on my own two feet.

This whole thing was super empowering. I was standing up for myself and keeping promises I made to myself long before J was in the picture. Let’s say we are in the eye of the hurricane now. Calm, no rain, an eerie stillness. He was shocked when I served him papers. He was emotional and I was angry and calm all at the same time. I felt like a bad ass woman! I finally slept a full nights sleep for the first time in months. I was so relived and felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders.

Fast forward a few weeks… raining again… the emotions are creeping back into my head. The nights are lonely. My phone hardly rang. No good morning texts. Who do I call on my way home from work or when something happens in my day? My entire routine I had for 6+ years changed overnight. I lost my best friend and husband. J wanted to go to therapy and fix our marriage. I was pretty stubborn about not going and just wanted everything to be done, but I wanted answers. I wanted to be able to end things without a doubt of what if or regret. So therapy we went. Most sessions were couple, but we did have a few individual sessions. My love and need for therapy sessions was created.

It was bittersweet when he finally admitted to cheating. He confirmed all the missing holes in my timeline and that my intuition was spot on, but it also proved that he lied to my freaking face for months. I think lying is one of the most disrespectful things you can ever do to someone. Just be honest. Therapy was good. We established rules and non-negotiables. One was weekly dates. Things would go great and then I would break down crying/angry/mad because how could he cheat when things were so easy?! When we were together I would question my worth a lot. He seemed to enjoy being around me and we had fun together. The sex was great. But I wasn’t enough in some capacity for him to stay loyal to our marriage and me. No matter how good I thought I was, it wasn’t enough for him. Welcome thoughts of being ugly, fat, and whatever negative emotion you can tell yourself. Welcome the sleepless nights and loss of appetite again. Welcome the struggles of getting out of bed. Welcome to lack of energy to do life and the bitterness that comes with someone cheating on you. Oh I was angry and hurt!

We did the rollercoaster of things being better and then not good. Dating and pulling back. Eventually I made the decision to move forward to make the divorce final. There was no trust and I wasn’t willing to do the work anymore to build it back. I knew we could never have the same relationship ever again. There was so much damage done. Unrepairable damage.

Divorce final and bad ass woman was back!! No contact with J for weeks. Then again the emotions started creeping back into my head. The sleepless nights, no appetite, low self-worth/esteem, loneliness was back. I was angry as all get out. I was pissed he made a reckless decision that changed my life. I was struggling and he seemed to be living his best life. I missed my house and the life we had together. I was now grieving, not only, my divorce but the life I had planned for us. I was angry at everything. I was still crying all the time. I was living on the struggle bus and had been for a while. I knew I needed professional help at this point because I didn’t like the way I felt. I knew I needed someone to help me work through these emotions and heal. I managed to get out of my funk post Hurricane Harvey, but this was bigger than that. The wounds were really deep. I needed constant care.

I made a decision to heal.

I went to individual sessions weekly until I felt I could space them out. I read the books she suggested. I journaled. I did all the things that made me happy. I made it my highest priority to take care of Amanda in the way I would take care of someone else that needed my 100% attention and care. I invested in my mental health. I did this for months.

Well there were times post divorce when J and I would try dating again. Lord knows that would never work and I did too. I just hated the idea of dating and the dating pool was barf. I knew what I was getting with J. There was a weird comfort in the idea of us being together. At that time, I felt he was the only person I was good enough for. I had made the decision to get a divorce. If we got back together, what would that do to the view of myself and my credibility to others? Honestly, the sex was good and I enjoyed the company of someone that used to be my best friend. I wasn’t proud of going back to him, regardless of how short or long we would “date”. The going back and forth was all apart of my healing process. I needed to keep going back until I woke up one day and decided I was really done. That day came and I haven’t looked back since.

Infidelity and a natural disaster are two events that could have defined me and been a valid excuse/reason for me to tailspin. Everyone would have understood. I could blame or assume every person after J would cheat. I could go into a complete panic every time it rained or a hurricane was coming for Texas. I could be bitter and hate life. I could be a lot of things I don’t want to be. I could play the victim card and make it the story of my life.

But I am a survivor. I am strong. I am the child of a very faithful God. I am happy. I know J is his own person and Matt is different. I know, believe and have faith of my future. I am loved by incredible people. I am not a victim. What happened to me is just apart of my story and it has molded me into who I am today. I have worked my ass off to heal and be better. It all comes down to the fact I made a decision to be better, fail forward and learn.

That process was not easy and the process to heal was quite the rollercoaster.

I had high high’s and low low’s. I felt a lack of self worth for a while. The year of firsts were really tough for me. I always made sure I did something that brought me a lot of joy on the big anniversaries/holidays. I had to create a new identity of just Amanda. I had to heal and put in some serious work towards my mental health. I went to hours of therapy. I partied a lot. I walked a lot. I had dinner and lunches with friends and family. I checked off things on my bucket list. I was a “yes” person. Dating was very weird. When I met Matt I had big walls up. He was patient with me and helped me trust that a relationship can be good, honest and loving.

I had hard days and moments. Little things would trigger big emotions. Such as songs, certain foods, etc. I would literally stop myself when I was feeling my big emotions and tell myself, “You are safe. Your heart is beating. You are breathing. It is okay. You are okay.” Eventually those triggers didn’t affect me. I kept myself busy so I didn’t have to sit in my emotions too long. Your emotions eventually catch up to you. You cannot run from them or ignore them. The longer you do, the longer your healing journey is. You have to sit in your emotions. Feel them and work through them. You work through them by peeling back the onion. You have to figure out what the real reason is as to why you are upset or what is triggering you. When I started doing this I would often ignore that little voice when peeling back the onion because the truth hurts sometimes. Eventually I embraced that little voice and now trust it. Every morning I would listen to a letter I wrote myself. It was a pep talk for the day. I would listen to what my “perfect” guy would be like, a list of affirmations, goals and dreams. I knew to my core there was light at the end of the dark tunnel and I had faith in my future. I controlled what went in my ears and stayed there. I would tell myself something negative, stop myself and change the thought to be positive. I started telling myself truths instead of nasty mean girl lies. I was extremely intentional with how I spent my energy. I learned to love myself and who I was by doing all the things I loved to do. I learned what it looked like to pour into me and to heal. I am still healing to this day. I am a constant work in progress. Those rain storms of life taught me a lot. I gained a lot of wisdom, grace and appreciation for the important things in life.

I would go through all of that again if it meant I can have what I have today. I am the healthiest I have ever been. I am very self-aware and confident in my ability to stand on my own two feet. I truly love myself and my body. I know I am pretty on the inside and out. I am kind and even though the world tried to make me bitter I didn’t let it. I love my people big and hard! I know there is nothing I can do to make a man stay. He has a choice and at the end of the day all I can do is my best and hope it is enough. I communicate my needs and work through conflict in a healthy manner. I trust in God’s plan for my life and where I will be one day. I am living my life, loving my people, and working every day to be a little bit better. I thank God all along the way for all the good, bad and ugly of my life. He is so good! You just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other. He will put the people in your life that will get you through it. They will pick you up when you fall, wipe your tears and laugh with you. They will celebrate your wins and cheer you on along the way.

Faith and grace can take you a long way. Most importantly, God will take you a long way! I promise he will work on your mind, body, spirit and soul. You will be put in certain situations to mold you into the person he has designed you to be. No matter how hard you fight it… he is there and he has a plan.

Acknowledge it’s okay to fail forward. Put in the work to work through your crap and be better. You can always sit in your misery, but your life will not change until you decide to fix it. It is a journey and so damn worth it. Love yourself! Always always remember, you are strong, brave, smart, kind and God knew the world needed a YOU. Most importantly, this is what I want you to take away from this entire thing… when you go to work, God goes to work.

Until next time my friends,

Amanda