Hi friends! We are 24 days into 2022 and I keep writing 2021. Oops! Anyway, this year is going to be one of many things and one of those being more blog posts. The other week I had a dream this blog was mega big and I would have guest writers weekly. All things were talked about and it was such a fun, inviting, love yourself kind of place to be. I was famous and fabulous!! Haha That would all be really cool, but why wait until that happens to be fabulous and have guest writers?? We don’t have to. So this year is going to include more blogging with all of that and then some. We are going to semi change the theme of this blog too. Right now it’s more about healing, raw, and real feelings about going through life post divorce. There will still be posts of raw feelings and the healing journey. I will also include favorite things, recaps, fun Q&A’s, and random stuff. 2022 is going to be a theme with lots of laughter and a whole lot of livin’! I just choose to share some of that with you! So why not kick it off with a little recap of December? Here we go my friend!

When’s the last time I blogged?? November 30th… It was a list of the golden nuggets I learned from my 20’s. You can check it out here if you missed it. Now real life recap… what was I up to in December?

(If you know me, you know I bounce around in conversation, so there is no particular order to this recap. I was just writing as things came to mind and referencing my Google photos from December – LOL!)

For my birthday, Matt got us a 1964 1/2 mustang to fix up together. He knows how to work on cars. I kind of have a clue and definitely do not at the same time. In early December, he changed the oil and put new tires on it. I feel like we need a name for her… how about Pearl? She is a cream color with red interior. A real American beauty!! I am hoping when hunting season is over and the weather warms up we can get back to working on the stang! It really fills the quality time love language bucket which just happens to be my #1 love language. He did a fun reveal of Pearl at my birthday. He’s so great!

Lauren at Lauren Leigh Photography did my pictures and she was amazing!!

My parents took the boat out a few times when the weather was nice and toasty. Someone snapped this picture of them and it is definitely one of my favorites. They are just precious people. They love each other so much and have a true partnership for 30 plus years. That’s not saying all 30 were perfect. It is just saying they have always had each other’s back and grew together while choosing to love each other every day. My mom, dad and I all work in the same general area, so we meet for lunch quite often. It’s the best! I am so thankful to have two parents that love each other and still invest in their kid’s lives. We have always been a priority and there has never been a day I didn’t feel loved. That, my friends, is so very special. I hope they have felt the same way too because Lord knows the love is strong between all of us!

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Speaking of love… we love our B man!! My nephew is a HOOT! He is so fun, sweet, and witty. He will be four in April, so he is at such a fun age. That age also comes with no filter and brutal honesty. He just says exactly what is on his mind. Getting a picture with him is quite the challenge too unless it’s a goofy one. One day in December my mom was on the phone with my sister and B. He asked her if she was shooting fireworks… she was chopping cucumbers. HAHA! I swear he is getting bigger every time we see him. He looks so big in the second photo and is such a cutie pie! We just adore and love him so much!!

I made a few new recipes, but one that was a major hit was the Christmas Italian cheese log appetizer. It makes an entire loaf pan size cheese log, so be aware of size. It’s wonderful as leftovers, but just a lot. You can find the recipe here. It was so pretty for Christmas parties. The picture was from the first time I made it and the second time I made sure to get the sundried tomatoes that were already cut. I think it would be delicious stuffed inside a chicken breast.

Random, but in December I got bit by a spider. It was near my eye which was no fun. It looked like a massive pimple and my entire eyelid was swollen for a few days. All good now! I feel like people either have a phobia of spiders or snakes? Mine are snakes. Which do you fear more or do you have super powers and not fear either?

I went to dinner with one of my friends, Victoria, mid December. We went to dinner at Hearsay. She mentioned something about a warm brownie and ice cream for dessert and I couldn’t get it out of my mind, so we literally went to another restaurant to have that exact dessert. I mean is there anything better than a warm brownie and Blue Bell ice cream? Nope. But I will say good food, even better conversation and being home and in bed by 11 is a very close second. We both agreed to more nights like that this year and taking pictures together. Because we didn’t take one that night. I just took a good ole’ car selfie to send to Matt since he was at the ranch that weekend. After sending it, he told me I was so pretty I needed to turn around and go home… haha That man sure knows how to make a girl blush! That same weekend my entire immediate family and fur babes went on a family walk. The weather was chilly, but one of those beautiful Texas December days. We went on a long walk, snapped pictures and everyone got exercise. Quality family time is one of my favorite things to do. B can do the firetruck and police siren perfect. Well B proceeded to do the siren noise for a good solid five minutes on our walk after a firetruck drove by with the siren on. It was comical!

In December I was in a major clean out mood which was normally happened on a Friday night. I know, I know so wild over here! I love playing “dress up” in your own closet and putting new outfits together. Of course, you have to send your new creations to friends and get yourself hyped to wear your “new outfits” the following week. Does anyone else do this? It just feels so good to clean and organize.

I have the two sweetest fur babes around. One is a diva and the other is velcro. Can you figure out which one is which??

The fur babes went on lots of walks, learned a few new tricks, played and we all snuggled a lot. These two are rescues and we all needed each other. My precious angel babes really bring so much love and light to my life! These two just choose fur instead of wings.

My sister started a new tradition. Dinner and decorating Christmas cookies. Liz loves traditions and she will make them happen. B created a dinosaur and star with all the icing, glitter and sprinkles. Moments like this are what life is about. Living life and making memories!

Every Christmas Eve I make gumbo from scratch. We have been doing it for a couple of years and it is a true labor of love. This year I had some help from B and my mama. Once the gumbo was simmering, I went on the boat with my dad and B for a little boat ride. Boat rides in December when you have to bundle up are the best. The gumbo turned out really good and we timed everything perfect for our Christmas Eve dinner. We had some friends that are more like family join us. They brought delicious sides/appetizers and we just enjoyed the quality time together. Christmas Eve is one of my favorite holidays. We all agreed next year we would come in Christmas PJ’s and maybe play a few games. Low key and laid back!

Christmas day was full of activity! Breakfast and gifts at my parents house, lunch at Matt’s parent’s house, and dinner back at my parent’s house. Great food, happy moments, lots of laughter and people getting arrested by the police officer.

I finished the last week of the year by going to work, meeting friends for dinner, cleaning, organizing, resting, ringing in the New Year with Matt and his family, reflecting on the year and reminiscing on the good, bad, and ugly times of 2021. I try to reflect on the lessons learned, how I can be better next year and most importantly the wins and growth I had the past year.

December was overall a great month, full of those little memories we tend to forget about in the grand scheme of things. These years and moments are what make me feel so thankful God chose me to live this life. He continues to bless me with incredible people that push me to be better and love me for all that I am.

We laugh, we love and most importantly we live!!

Stay tuned for all the different blog posts this year! Hold on for the ride… it’s going to be a fun one!!

Until next time,

Amanda

Hi friends! My intention was to post this the day I turned 30… 30 days later. How fitting?? LOL

I originally had a recap of my 20’s and a list of 30 golden nuggets combined, but I want this one to shine on it’s own. I gained a lot of wisdom through my twenties, especially in my late twenties. I truly believe I found my voice and identity. I am confident in my shoes, who I am, what I believe in and where I am going. What a fun ride it has been so far and we are just getting started!

Here’s the list!! Enjoy!

1. You always get more with honey than vinegar. “Can you help me?” goes a long way! 99% of people want to help and are willing to help. Don’t be afraid to ask. The answer is always no, if you don’t ask.
   
2. No is a full sentence. No need to explain yourself!
   
3. Most people are struggling whether it be mentally, physically, financially, spiritually… we are all battling something. Be kind. A lot is hidden behind closed doors people don’t know about or talk about.
   
4. Small acts of kindness can change someone’s life. Hold the door. Smile. Give the compliments. If you think about something nice, say it. If you think about someone, text them to let them know. Everyone wants to feel important and be seen. Everyone will always remember the way you made them feel.
   
5. You can lose everything, start completely over and it will be better than it was. You gained some wisdom in the end. I say you fail forward. Every time I lost something, it was always replaced with something better.
   
6. You marry someone’s family. It’s a package deal. You need to look at everything and everyone. No one is perfect, so figure out what you are willing to tolerate and what you aren’t. The most repeated advice I have heard from couples that have been married for a long time is, “Marry someone that will make you laugh. Laughter can get you through just about anything.”
   
7. Don’t EVER be too afraid of what people will think when it comes to the decisions of your life. Don’t be afraid of the hard conversations. People will ALWAYS have an opinion. Live your life. Stand firm in your decisions. Regardless which decision you make, you will always end up right where you are supposed to be.
   
8. Invest in your friendships… time is the currency!
   
9. Vision boards really do work. Dream BIG!
   
10. Don’t be afraid to make a mistake. You learn WAY more from making a mistake than you do from always being perfect. It’s better to mess up than to never start at all. Be brave my friends!
    
11. Perfection is not real or obtainable. Progress is everything. The journey is the fun part! The end result is never celebrated or feels the way you thought it would. The middle part is where the juicy character building moments are. Those are the days you reminiscence on and talk about. Enjoy your journey! Soak up the little moments.
    
12. Shoot. your. shot. Just go for it! Figure it out on the way there. Just take the first step!
    
13. People are in your life for specific seasons or a lifetime. If God calls on you to help someone, be there. That is a gift when God calls you to be someone’s angel. We all need people! Life takes a village!
    
14. Always do the right thing even when it is hard. You will never be able to “get someone back” like karma can. No need to put any negative juju in your world. Karma is a bitch. Let her work!
    
15. When you have a hard day stop and smell the roses. The roses are a roof over your head, food in your belly, A/C or heater, gas in your vehicle, people that love you, and whatever else. Stop and look around at the blessings. It will change your perspective real quick. It is also important to acknowledge you are having a tough day and some days just suck. Most of the time tomorrow is better. Never forget there is always good in every day some days you just have to look a little bit harder.
    
16. Schedule all the big rocks in your life first. Work everything else around that. You can’t pour from an empty cup. Faith, family, friends and health should come before your job. Money is great, but is money going to be standing next to you on your death bed? That would be a no. If something happened to you tomorrow, your “job” would find someone to replace you and do the work. Too much of anything is bad. It’s all about balance. Nothing is ever fully balanced… just do your best and remember you are an important person in your life too. Quality over quantity any day!
    
17. Learn when to rest. Not to quit. Stress is a silent killer. Have an outlet.
    
18. When someone criticizes you, they are giving you the opportunity to be better/fix the mistake. With that said, OWN YOUR MISTAKES!!! Make it right with the person. Do not be too prideful to say sorry. We all mess up! How are you going to argue with someone that says, “I messed up. I am really sorry. I am going to make this right and be better next time.” That’s right… you can’t. Just make sure you keep your word and actually be better. Don’t be the asshole that keeps doing the same thing over and over again.
    
19. Hang up and hang out! Put your phone down at times. Look up at the life around you not what is on your screen. You are watching other people live their life.
    
20. Your life can change in seconds. God also answers prayers the second it is meant for you. He sees and hears everything, so be grateful for unanswered prayers too. What is meant for you, will be. Move forward with childlike faith and watch him work.
    
21. Don’t feel the pressure to get married, have kids, buy a house, etc. by a certain age. F Society!! You do what you think is best for you. No one knows you better than you know yourself! Everything will come right when it is supposed to.
    
22. Counseling is incredible and worth every single penny. It is good to go even when you feel good. Also, if you aren’t vibing with your counselor get a new one. You aren’t married. I just got super lucky with mine!
    
23. Take pictures. Journal. They will be treasures to look back on.
    
24. 95% of the bridges you think you are going to cross, you never will. Face the bridge when you get there. Worrying doesn’t do anyone good. Someone once told me worrying is like sitting in a rocking chair. You are moving, but aren’t going anywhere. It’s a complete waste of energy.
    
25. In a relationship, you need hobbies of your own. It’s important to keep your identity. It’s healthy to have some separation.
    
26. You cannot be mad at someone for not meeting your expectations if you do not clearly communicate them. Don’t beat around the bush. Just be straight up! I need _____ from you. Now when you clearly state your reasonable expectations and they are not met. Well go on with your mad self.
    
27. Drink H2O. Take care of your skin. Exercise. Sleep. Take care of your body!! You only get one.
    
28. You will walk away from the relationship, job, friendship, etc. when YOU are ready! Until then, no matter what anyone says to you, you won’t. Quit being so hard on yourself for it. Enjoy the process, look for the lessons and keep putting one foot in front of the other. Time will reveal everything.
    
29. When people tell you about things in their life, good or bad, set yourself a reminder or add it into your calendar or however you remember stuff to check in/encourage/celebrate with them. People want to feel important. Everyone has a lot on their plate, so no shame in my reminder/calendar invite game. Also, when someone pops in your head, shoot them a text or call them. Just let them know you are thinking of them. You don’t know the impact a simple text can make on someone.
    
30. No one is perfect. Grace is necessary for every relationship in your life and for yourself!

This list was originally 60 nuggets plus long. I shortened it and did my best to include the top 30. There is an opportunity to gain wisdom every day. What a gift to learn! As much as you look for the lessons, look for the blessings! so far 30 is great! 30 is more grey hairs (still holding out on coloring my hair). 30 is true friends. 30 is confidence. 30 is still figuring it out and having a better idea of what to do and where to go. I have a feeling my 30’s are going to be a great decade for me! I am excited to soak up every adventure this life will take me on. Until then, we will continue blogging and living each day to the fullest!

Have a great week!

Until next time,

Amanda

Hi friends! What a beautiful day! Just a friendly reminder, his work is not done. You woke up today. What a gift! Today is going to be a great day!! I didn’t always have this mentality. I used to struggle getting out of bed. I would lay in bed and try to convince myself I was sick, had a headache or whatever reason I could come up with to stay home. I would dread the idea of having to “face” the world each day. I was exhausted mentally, emotionally and physically. I had a list of stuff to do with no energy to do it. I didn’t really have an appetite. My eyes were tired. My undereye bags had their own bags. I just was getting through life feeling like I was walking through a muddy, uneven, rocky field covered in bruises and pains from life’s blows. Somehow every day I was still getting back up and putting one foot in front of the other. I was slowly but surely making progress even on the days it felt like I was standing still.

If you have been here a while, you know my story. If not, here’s a quick recap:

• Got engaged
• Bought a house
• Flooded in Harvey and we lost 90% of everything we owned.
• Remodeled the house while planning a wedding, working through all the stuff for flood insurance and living with my parents. Oh and we both had sales jobs. Mine was 100% commission.
• Get married 11/11/2017
• Move back into our house
• Take a delayed 10-day honeymoon to Mexico in February. It was incredible!
• A month after we get back, I was cheated on in our home when I was out of town for a friend’s bachelorette party. (I never had hard proof, but knew something was off. He later confessed in counseling and told me the truth. Just took a while. My “gut” feeling/intuition was spot on with what happened with a few missing pieces.)
• A few weeks later he told he was going to go on a solo backpacking trip to Europe for ten days to “find himself”. He was 28 and newly married. Solo my ass. I had two months to get my ducks in a row. He went at the end of May.
• He actually was with her at the beginning and end of his trip. He went to London, Spain and then back to London. She lived in London.
• He came back to divorce papers and a half empty house. I served him papers myself. To my parents, sister and friends that helped me pack up my house – forever grateful. Yall were my rock and I couldn’t have done it without each of you.
• We worked on our marriage through counseling. It was his suggestion to go. I am so glad I went and threw the kitchen sink at our marriage. Our marriage counselor is still my counselor to this day. She is amazing!!!!
• Ultimately, I made the decision I couldn’t be with him anymore and our divorce was final 12/21/2018.
• Then I spent years healing and working through my baggage and continue to work through it to this day. It is a journey and I am working my tail off to be better every day.

Now I am in a really great place mentally, emotionally and physically. It was a journey to get here and one I will always be on. I still have hard days. I have learned through therapy how to cope and communicate through triggers, life moments and situations that are out of my control. I am now in more of a maintenance/preventive stage in regards to my mental health and still go to counseling. It is a journey. I cannot stress that enough.

Lately, I have had a few people in my life I am very close to tell me their struggles. How they feel like they are just beat up from life. Not enough. Not worthy. They have no hope things will get better. They are in a character building chapter of their life. While talking to my people that are struggling, it brought up memories of what my days were like and the things I would do on a daily basis to keep putting one foot in front of the other. I used to feel like I was in a pink inner tube floating in the ocean during a hurricane and now I am sitting in that same pink inner tube floating the Frio River. It has some rapids, sometimes I have to walk when the water is low and put in more work, but for the most part it is smooth sailing in calm waters while I am enjoying the view.

I want to start things first by saying if you are someone experiencing a character building chapter just know it does get better if you put in the work to be better. You have a choice every day to be better even if it is the simplest of things such as getting out of bed. Lord knows some days getting out of bed was my one and only win for the day and I was damn proud of myself for getting up.

My character building chapter(s) started when we had to evacuate our house during Harvey. The water came up so fast! It was such an awful feeling having to leave our safe place… our home. We put stuff up as high as we could, took a video of the entire house, packed a weeks worth of clothes, important documents, blew up the air mattress and floated down the street. We stayed at a family friend’s house about two miles from our house. Talk about angels on Earth!! We got back into our house in about a week and demo started. Our friends and family came to help us with the clean up process. The smell.. barf. We had random strangers bring us food. Neighbors helped and our community came around us. I just remember my heart feeling overwhelmed with gratitude. It is a great feeling to be loved. We were sad about losing everything, but at the end of the day we still had the important stuff… health, family, friends, and each other. When something traumatic happens the initial days/weeks following are hard, but you have a ton of support. It’s the following weeks when everyone gets back to the day-to-day of life where things get tough. Our life was still a mess and theirs goes back to normal.

Harvey happened at the end of August/early September. My parents moved us into their house immediately. Our cars flooded. We had minimal clothing and the clothes we had were work in our house clothes. We went from a four bedroom house to a bedroom. That was a humbling experience to say the least. I worked 60 miles away. I would get up at 4:30/5am and leave the house by 5:30am at the latest. I had to get to my office by 7:30am for a morning meeting which I was normally late for. Which was so frustrating. I always felt no matter what I did or how hard I tried, it was never enough. I would leave the office around 7/7:30pm to avoid traffic and get back to my parents house around 8:30/9. I would cook dinner or heat up the meals that people made for us. Then we would sit at the table and work on the insurance spreadsheet. We had to list everything we had, where we got it, how much we bought it for and what it was worth today if we bought a new one. We went through thousands of pictures, video, etc. to figure it out. It was extensive. We would walk the dog around the neighborhood to get some quality time and then it was time for bed around 11/12. The days were very long and exhausting. I felt like I was in survival mode, so that meant in my relationship there was little to no sex, no energy for social stuff, and I was very “cold” to J (that’s what we will call my ex). This was the first time in our relationship I was not okay. I was struggling big time and wasn’t the best at communicating what I needed. I shut down and put all my focus into making it through each day. My attention was hardly on him. As some people would say, we were in a very low spot in our relationship. J was a Rockstar through all this. He seemed to have tons of energy, worked hard and closed big deals, took charge on the insurance stuff, would get up with me to make my coffee before my long drive and tried to keep things “fresh” in our relationship. I was just so numb and depressed. I recognized all the effort J was making, but I didn’t verbalize my appreciation as much as I should have. This is the crazy thing though… going through the day to day those months with him made me want to marry him more. I was not okay and he stepped up to be my rock during those months. I didn’t care about the big wedding. I would have married him in our destroyed living room covered in drywall dust in our sweaty/dirty clothes. I wanted a person that would be by my side through the good, bad and ugly of life… then and now.

We were scheduled to get married in December, but the place we were going to get married flooded. We ended up changing our wedding and wedding date to 11/11. We got married in San Marcos, TX. We both went to college there and the town held so many great memories. We got married in Sewell Park. It’s a tradition after graduation to jump in the river fully clothed to signify you are starting a new chapter of your life. We jumped in after we graduated and jumped in after we got married. Yes, dress and all! We had a reception at my aunt and uncle’s house. It was awesome. You could definitely feel the love in the room. The energy was unmatched. We wanted to take a delayed honeymoon so we could truly relax, celebrate our house being complete and our marriage. We scheduled that for February. In the meantime, we were still living at my parent’s house. Our wedding was such a high! It was definitely not ideal to go back to my parents house after getting married. That was our situation though. We were just thankful to have a roof over our head and to have each other.

We were able to move back into our house at the end of December. Oh bless!! Life was going to get back to normal being in our place again. We hung things on the walls. Put wedding pictures up. Slowly got our furniture in. Things were coming together. I could finally start seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. The light was starting to shine through… for me. Things were just starting to get dark for J. The pendulum was swinging back. See I was so focused on getting through each day that I neglected my marriage. Through the whole process I asked him a few times how he was really doing? He seemed to have it all together and was handling everything so well. Our sex life was minimal which is awful as newlyweds. We were both completely exhausted. Both of our love tanks were bone dry and cracking. What a great way to start a marriage… not. Our relationship was tested by a natural disaster, complete home remodel, wedding planning and living with my parents all at the same time. One can break a couple. It just took four to break us. Looking back now, I would have done things different. I would have waited on the wedding.

Our marriage was rocky at the beginning. Being back in our house I thought things would be different. It was just us and we could finally be newlyweds if you know what I mean. It was and it wasn’t. Now I felt J turn cold towards me. I didn’t push the issue too hard because I assumed he would come out of his funk soon just like I did. It was so much deeper though.

Now we are in February. We go on our honeymoon. We took a picture in the airport before we left and you can see the exhaustion in our eyes. We spent ten days in Mexico. It was amazing. We came back tan, rested and I felt our marriage got shocked by the life paddles. We needed the break, the rest and the time together. We got back and J still felt cold. He started traveling more and closing really big deals. Things were really moving for us. We were living in a beautiful home. We were both working out and feeling good about our bodies. He was killing it at work and I was starting to pick up pace again. I really felt like I could breathe again and this was the beginning of something incredible! I was so optimistic about the future. I was strong in my belief that if we could have gone through that and survived, we could get through anything. We were going to finally experience marriage, travel and make memories we always dreamed of.

Well a month after our honeymoon almost to the date J cheated. What’s shitty is the day before he cheated I had this overwhelming feeling I was ready to start a family. PHAHA Nope. He brought a girl into our house that was kicked out of our good friend’s house. They sat at our kitchen table and talked about our marriage. She made a move on him and he didn’t have the strength to say no or stop it.

That was a Friday night. Here’s a weird thing. That night I was at my friend’s bachelorette party in Destin, FL. We were having fun and then all of a sudden I got this terrible feeling in my gut that something was very wrong. My entire mood changed and something was just not sitting right with me. I blew it off because everything had to be okay and I didn’t want anything to be wrong. I was not ready to weather another storm. My clothes weren’t dry from the last one. We got back to the house and I texted J around 3:45am to let him know we were back. He responded and said he had an eventful night and proceeded to tell me this girl was now staying in our house. It didn’t sit right with me, but I trusted him. He wouldn’t cheat on me. I am his new wife. We just went through all that crap. He wouldn’t throw it all away for a piece of ass. Well long story short, they hung out all weekend, partied, went out to eat and whatever else until I got back. He said there wasn’t a hotel available in the entire Houston area… phahaha dude. Come up with a better excuse. Sunday while I was in the airport waiting on my flight to come back, one of my friends called me to tell me what happened at their house. She didn’t confirm or deny anything happened. She just said that it made her so uncomfortable she felt she needed to let me know. There are a lot of other little details that made me feel uncomfortable with the whole thing, but we will save that for another day. I got back into town. He picked me up from the airport. He was being extra sweet and I was being very standoffish because I knew I wasn’t getting the whole truth. We walked into our house and I knew something happened. I am a intuition/gut feel kind of person and I could just feel the energy in our house. I had already put together a timeline/story line while I waited in the airport from our security system history log, but there were definitely holes.

Here we go again, get the umbrella, rainboots, raincoat… I was about to weather another storm. This one was going to be equivalent to Hurricane Harvey with the damage it would cause. Lovely.

We are in March/April now. We talked about things and our marriage. We finally peeled back the onion on things that were wrong and what we both needed. We poured in our marriage. Dates, affirmations, and weekend trips. I would periodically ask about that weekend and his story would change every. single. time. I knew to my core he cheated. I just didn’t have the proof. J planned a guys trip with one his best friends. He went and left his wedding ring, but brought his Rolex. When I addressed him about it he said he thought he had it and it was an honest mistake. Oh really?! You just got accused of cheating on your new wife a few weeks prior and you casually “forget” your wedding ring?? It was a week after he got back when he said he wanted to go on his solo backpacking trip. He said at one point, “Yeah, I will go travel to all these places and bring you back to places I think you will like.” [insert middle finger emoji]

It is now a moderate rain. I knew the storms were really coming and I had a terrible feeling in my stomach. He started traveling for work a lot. He would leave on a Sunday night or early Monday morning. He would come back on Thursday or Friday. He was always “too busy” to talk while he was traveling which was not his norm in the past. He was busy with his friends on the weekends. When he was home he would sit and eat dinner in his office. He didn’t want to be around me and if he did it was very forced and short term. I knew something happened. I would ask him if he cheated and just wanted the honest truth. He swore he didn’t and he loved me and only me. J was a planner and he said for his backpacking trip he was going to go to London with a backpack and just figure it out from there. People at least plan their living situation for the first night or a couple of days. Well after a few weeks of this weird behavior I just knew I had to figure out my options and start getting my ducks in a row.

At this point, I kept a smile on my face for everyone else. I kept my feelings to myself. I was sleeping a few hours a day. Forcing myself to eat during the day because I had no appetite and knew I needed to eat. I would cry all the time. I could feel myself breaking down. I was holding on by a thread and no one knew it. Eventually I let a very small group of people know what was going on. I went to work every day and told my client’s how great marriage was. We were great! Life is good! Hell no it wasn’t. It was awful. How could someone you trusted, loved and picked to spend the rest of your life with stab you in the back like that?!

Where I worked at the time, we would start our day with a gratitude list. My gratitude list was so full of attitude, sarcasm and mockery as if I was a 5-year old. I am grateful for life, water, family, friends, dogs… nothing… life sucks… showers I can cry in… ability to cry, ice packs for my swollen eyes… coffee.. definitely thankful for coffee. I was in the dumps. I had little money and working in a 100% commission job when your personal world is so fucked up and being flipped upside down is hard. Very hard.

The bags under my eyes returned. I lost about 20lbs. My hair was falling out from the stress. I was exhausted. I wasn’t sleeping, eating and honestly felt like I was barely functioning. I was back in survival mode. My only goal for the day was to get out of bed and get back in bed. Oh and keep in mind, I put on a fake smile, and an everything is fine act to my husband because I had to get my ducks in a row before I left him. I had to meet with a divorce attorney, find an apartment, get my own insurance and everything else without him knowing. We had a joint bank account. Only by God’s grace was I able to have the strength to do that.

Now we are at the end of May and he is going on his trip. I told him I would take him to the airport, but before I suggested we get lunch. I told him at lunch I had met with an attorney to figure out my options. He didn’t know, but I had already lined up an apartment. If he went, I would move in. If he stayed, I would cancel it. He was upset and didn’t think things were “that” bad. He went on his trip and every ounce of me was hoping he wouldn’t get on that plane. He made his decision and went. Talk about dark moments and ugly crying all the way home. My heart felt like it was in my stomach. The hurricane has now made landfall.. pouring down rain and high winds. I went to my empty apartment, got food, looked around and told myself everything was going to be okay. I knew in that moment it would be because I had already proven my strength so far. I had tapped into the strength of a super women to build back our life after Hurricane Harvey and now this. I sat in that apartment feeling empty and so incredibly lonely.

I went back to our house because it was so much easier with the dogs and it was closer to work. Naturally I doubted if I was doing the right thing by moving out and maybe I was just overthinking it. He wouldn’t cheat on me. I was the crazy one. Not true. Long story short… in one week I got proof he was there with her from a picture. I called the lawyer to have the divorce papers ready by Friday. I called the moving truck and scheduled them a day later. My mom and sister helped me pack up my house. I cleaned the house. Did all his laundry, mowed the yard and cleaned out the fridge so he wouldn’t have to worry about anything in regards to the house when he got back. I was officially moved out Sunday and served him with divorce papers Sunday evening. Honestly, the entire week I was numb. I try to go back and reflect on how I was feeling. I can’t in detail. I was numb and 100% going through the motions. My life changed the weekend he cheated, but now the real change was happening. I moved out on my own for the very first time in my life. I had very little money. I served my husband with divorce papers. I tapped into a strength I didn’t know I had. I finally stood on my own two feet.

This whole thing was super empowering. I was standing up for myself and keeping promises I made to myself long before J was in the picture. Let’s say we are in the eye of the hurricane now. Calm, no rain, an eerie stillness. He was shocked when I served him papers. He was emotional and I was angry and calm all at the same time. I felt like a bad ass woman! I finally slept a full nights sleep for the first time in months. I was so relived and felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders.

Fast forward a few weeks… raining again… the emotions are creeping back into my head. The nights are lonely. My phone hardly rang. No good morning texts. Who do I call on my way home from work or when something happens in my day? My entire routine I had for 6+ years changed overnight. I lost my best friend and husband. J wanted to go to therapy and fix our marriage. I was pretty stubborn about not going and just wanted everything to be done, but I wanted answers. I wanted to be able to end things without a doubt of what if or regret. So therapy we went. Most sessions were couple, but we did have a few individual sessions. My love and need for therapy sessions was created.

It was bittersweet when he finally admitted to cheating. He confirmed all the missing holes in my timeline and that my intuition was spot on, but it also proved that he lied to my freaking face for months. I think lying is one of the most disrespectful things you can ever do to someone. Just be honest. Therapy was good. We established rules and non-negotiables. One was weekly dates. Things would go great and then I would break down crying/angry/mad because how could he cheat when things were so easy?! When we were together I would question my worth a lot. He seemed to enjoy being around me and we had fun together. The sex was great. But I wasn’t enough in some capacity for him to stay loyal to our marriage and me. No matter how good I thought I was, it wasn’t enough for him. Welcome thoughts of being ugly, fat, and whatever negative emotion you can tell yourself. Welcome the sleepless nights and loss of appetite again. Welcome the struggles of getting out of bed. Welcome to lack of energy to do life and the bitterness that comes with someone cheating on you. Oh I was angry and hurt!

We did the rollercoaster of things being better and then not good. Dating and pulling back. Eventually I made the decision to move forward to make the divorce final. There was no trust and I wasn’t willing to do the work anymore to build it back. I knew we could never have the same relationship ever again. There was so much damage done. Unrepairable damage.

Divorce final and bad ass woman was back!! No contact with J for weeks. Then again the emotions started creeping back into my head. The sleepless nights, no appetite, low self-worth/esteem, loneliness was back. I was angry as all get out. I was pissed he made a reckless decision that changed my life. I was struggling and he seemed to be living his best life. I missed my house and the life we had together. I was now grieving, not only, my divorce but the life I had planned for us. I was angry at everything. I was still crying all the time. I was living on the struggle bus and had been for a while. I knew I needed professional help at this point because I didn’t like the way I felt. I knew I needed someone to help me work through these emotions and heal. I managed to get out of my funk post Hurricane Harvey, but this was bigger than that. The wounds were really deep. I needed constant care.

I made a decision to heal.

I went to individual sessions weekly until I felt I could space them out. I read the books she suggested. I journaled. I did all the things that made me happy. I made it my highest priority to take care of Amanda in the way I would take care of someone else that needed my 100% attention and care. I invested in my mental health. I did this for months.

Well there were times post divorce when J and I would try dating again. Lord knows that would never work and I did too. I just hated the idea of dating and the dating pool was barf. I knew what I was getting with J. There was a weird comfort in the idea of us being together. At that time, I felt he was the only person I was good enough for. I had made the decision to get a divorce. If we got back together, what would that do to the view of myself and my credibility to others? Honestly, the sex was good and I enjoyed the company of someone that used to be my best friend. I wasn’t proud of going back to him, regardless of how short or long we would “date”. The going back and forth was all apart of my healing process. I needed to keep going back until I woke up one day and decided I was really done. That day came and I haven’t looked back since.

Infidelity and a natural disaster are two events that could have defined me and been a valid excuse/reason for me to tailspin. Everyone would have understood. I could blame or assume every person after J would cheat. I could go into a complete panic every time it rained or a hurricane was coming for Texas. I could be bitter and hate life. I could be a lot of things I don’t want to be. I could play the victim card and make it the story of my life.

But I am a survivor. I am strong. I am the child of a very faithful God. I am happy. I know J is his own person and Matt is different. I know, believe and have faith of my future. I am loved by incredible people. I am not a victim. What happened to me is just apart of my story and it has molded me into who I am today. I have worked my ass off to heal and be better. It all comes down to the fact I made a decision to be better, fail forward and learn.

That process was not easy and the process to heal was quite the rollercoaster.

I had high high’s and low low’s. I felt a lack of self worth for a while. The year of firsts were really tough for me. I always made sure I did something that brought me a lot of joy on the big anniversaries/holidays. I had to create a new identity of just Amanda. I had to heal and put in some serious work towards my mental health. I went to hours of therapy. I partied a lot. I walked a lot. I had dinner and lunches with friends and family. I checked off things on my bucket list. I was a “yes” person. Dating was very weird. When I met Matt I had big walls up. He was patient with me and helped me trust that a relationship can be good, honest and loving.

I had hard days and moments. Little things would trigger big emotions. Such as songs, certain foods, etc. I would literally stop myself when I was feeling my big emotions and tell myself, “You are safe. Your heart is beating. You are breathing. It is okay. You are okay.” Eventually those triggers didn’t affect me. I kept myself busy so I didn’t have to sit in my emotions too long. Your emotions eventually catch up to you. You cannot run from them or ignore them. The longer you do, the longer your healing journey is. You have to sit in your emotions. Feel them and work through them. You work through them by peeling back the onion. You have to figure out what the real reason is as to why you are upset or what is triggering you. When I started doing this I would often ignore that little voice when peeling back the onion because the truth hurts sometimes. Eventually I embraced that little voice and now trust it. Every morning I would listen to a letter I wrote myself. It was a pep talk for the day. I would listen to what my “perfect” guy would be like, a list of affirmations, goals and dreams. I knew to my core there was light at the end of the dark tunnel and I had faith in my future. I controlled what went in my ears and stayed there. I would tell myself something negative, stop myself and change the thought to be positive. I started telling myself truths instead of nasty mean girl lies. I was extremely intentional with how I spent my energy. I learned to love myself and who I was by doing all the things I loved to do. I learned what it looked like to pour into me and to heal. I am still healing to this day. I am a constant work in progress. Those rain storms of life taught me a lot. I gained a lot of wisdom, grace and appreciation for the important things in life.

I would go through all of that again if it meant I can have what I have today. I am the healthiest I have ever been. I am very self-aware and confident in my ability to stand on my own two feet. I truly love myself and my body. I know I am pretty on the inside and out. I am kind and even though the world tried to make me bitter I didn’t let it. I love my people big and hard! I know there is nothing I can do to make a man stay. He has a choice and at the end of the day all I can do is my best and hope it is enough. I communicate my needs and work through conflict in a healthy manner. I trust in God’s plan for my life and where I will be one day. I am living my life, loving my people, and working every day to be a little bit better. I thank God all along the way for all the good, bad and ugly of my life. He is so good! You just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other. He will put the people in your life that will get you through it. They will pick you up when you fall, wipe your tears and laugh with you. They will celebrate your wins and cheer you on along the way.

Faith and grace can take you a long way. Most importantly, God will take you a long way! I promise he will work on your mind, body, spirit and soul. You will be put in certain situations to mold you into the person he has designed you to be. No matter how hard you fight it… he is there and he has a plan.

Acknowledge it’s okay to fail forward. Put in the work to work through your crap and be better. You can always sit in your misery, but your life will not change until you decide to fix it. It is a journey and so damn worth it. Love yourself! Always always remember, you are strong, brave, smart, kind and God knew the world needed a YOU. Most importantly, this is what I want you to take away from this entire thing… when you go to work, God goes to work.

Until next time my friends,

Amanda

Hi friends! I have so many posts, 14 to be exact, in draft mode. I get distracted, writer’s block, or I just don’t like the way they are flowing. I do wish I blogged on a more consistent basis. I just don’t know what to write about. Any ideas are greatly appreciated!

Fun fact! I used to have a different blog. It was basically an online journal of my adventures. I did weekly linkups which are themed posts and a way to connect to other bloggers. They would range from your favorite things, weekend recaps, etc. I really enjoyed reading back on old posts because it was a walk down memory lane. I deleted that blog and all the content when I started this one. This blog has taken a totally different theme. It is raw, real, all the feels about healing post divorce and just life circumstances. This blog has been super therapeutic and I am so grateful for this little space of mine. Lately, I struggle what to write about to stay consistent with the theme because I rarely have a “bad” or “hard” day anymore. My life is very simple, boring to most, and I just love it. I have come a VERYYY long way in regards to my personal, mental and emotional health. I am very proud of that! Maybe I will write about the little moments, breakthroughs, and steps I took to get me where I am today. I will include the good, bad and ugly of my healing journey. Which I am very much still on. So stay tuned!

In the meantime, I want to throw it back to an old blog post I used to do weekly… called currently confessing. It is lighthearted and fun! This one you can grab your coffee or wine, blanket and let’s get to it my friend!

Currently confessing….

I binge watch a show like it’s my job. I recently watched Clickbait… on a Sunday… the whole thing. So good! After I binge watch a show, I take a break for a few weeks and then watch another one. Any suggestions??

I love Texas fall weather! Weather like this week (lows in the 50’s/60’s and highs in the 80’s) is my jam!! The blue skies, low humidity, crisp fall air… happy days for me!

Lunch dates are my fav! Matt and I do more lunch dates than dinner dates. For starters, it’s a great break in the day. The prices are more reasonable. Last and most important, I prefer him or I to cook dinner. He is an incredible cook and makes better food than any restaurant. Plus this quality time love language girl loves when we cook together!

Ever since I started driving a large SUV, I drive slower. I went from a NASCAR driver to a normal Houston driver. Which some would argue is still a NASCAR driver.

Laughter heals. It is powerful. Matt is the best at making me laugh. He makes me laugh from my soul. Once the giggles start, it is hard to make them stop. I always say if you are an ear shot away from him at any function, you will have the best time. He is hilarious and the king of one-liners. Lately, his favorite thing to do is to scare the bejesus out of me. It’s great… so great! Can you hear the sarcasm in my voice? LOL Really though Matt and I have so much fun together and joke around a lot. We definitely keep the kid alive in each other!

Hunting season is near and that means I am a soon to be hunter’s widow with a full freezer of meat.

If you know me, you know I have been a Cabi girl for many many years. Every year the line is better, but YALL this season!! WOW! Cabi blew it out of the water!!! I have never loved so many items on a line before. You can check it out here: https://amandaburkham.cabionline.com/ I made the decision to become a stylist for Cabi a while ago and it has been such a great thing for me. Thank you Matt for the final push to add Cabi to my plate!

I recently read the book Eat, Pray, #FML by Gabrielle Stone. I read it in a week and it was so good! You feel like you are listening to your bff spill the beans on her life aka a wild ride. It is real, raw, transparent, funny, adventurous, and I love her writing style. The book made me laugh, cry, nod my head, smile and even do a few slow claps. The sequel is out. I have purchased it and it is on my list to read. I’ll keep you updated!

I am thinking of doing a fall bucket list. I feel like it would be a good thing to get me out of my comfort zone and a great excuse to try new things. So far I have lake days (the best lake days are after Labor Day), winery days, a lot of lunches on patios, Saturday morning walks and weekends at the ranch. What else do I need?! Just kidding… I will compile a specific list of activities to do. What are your favorite fall activities?

Hope City is my church! I have been listening to their sermons online for over a year now. Powerful messages!! You can check it out here: https://hopecity.com/.

Laundry is my least favorite chore ever. Ever. Ever!! It is the easiest chore, but the one I dread the most. I am not a do a few loads a week girl. I wait until I have full LOADS and then I have to do laundry for an entire day. Laundry as in wash the clothes. Then they sit in the basket for at least a week. If it is rainy weather or I am on my binge watching “job”, it will get done in the same day. I always know it’s time to do laundry when my underwear starts getting low. LOL! Obnoxious I know! But here’s my conclusion, you either hate laundry or dishes. It’s either one or the other. Am I right??

I am turning 30 in a little over a month… say what?! Most people are so sad to turn 30. Not me! I look forward to what the next decade will bring. Plus I feel like I am 29 going on 22. Age is just a number is what my great-grandma would always say. She lived to be 101 years old, so I think she is on to something. Just a heads up, there will be a blog post about turning 30… stay tuned my friends!

On that note, we are going to wrap it up here! It’s dinner time at my house. I am going to have the most delicious bowl of… cereal. HA! I love to cook… just not tonight. Thank you for reading along! Again, if you ever want me to write about anything specific or have any ideas, please message me. I am always open to suggestions and ideas. Have an incredible night and great day tomorrow! Until next time, my friends!

Amanda

Hi friends! It’s been some time. I actually have ten posts in draft mode that are not even close to being done. I just didn’t like the way they were going. So here we are… I have that “nudge” to write again. So Lord… what do you want me to write?? This is yours. Not mine.

Life can be a challenge… at times. Life is also so much fun. If you really think about it, everyone is striving to achieve something, be better, do more and make something of themselves. We all are dealing with issues, insecurities, and life stuff daily. I always say the hardest part of life is controlling what goes on between your two ears. Some people talk about their “life” problems and others keep everything to themselves. It doesn’t matter which you are or if you are somewhere in the middle. The main thing is this is your life. I often feel like I could do more, but don’t always have the energy or desire to. Maybe it is fear getting in the way or just as simple as I don’t want to. Who knows. I know one thing, I am living.

I always say a full day is when you experience every emotion. You laugh, cry, smile, are happy, get angry, etc. Heck you can have a full day just driving on I-45!! Phaha Just kidding… In all seriousness, life is about living. Some people are thriving and others are majorly struggling and I feel like a lot of us are in between. I personally feel like my life is a sweet struggle so I am in the in between group… let me explain.

I have a roof over my head, food in my belly, gas in my car, a job, running water and electricity, incredible friends and family. Regardless of those things, I still feel like I am falling short. I am “behind”. I will be 30 this year. I should be working towards marriage, kids, owning a house, etc. right? This is what the society norm of success is, right?

Well I have been married, I lived in a beautiful house with my husband, I wanted kids and then my life took a turn and I didn’t have any of that anymore. I was single, moved to a one-bedroom apartment, and kids were definitely not on my mind. I figured I would find the husband, buy the house, have the kids, and whatever else relatively quick because I was in my late 20’s and knew exactly what I was looking for.

LOL… oh how things change and oh how I needed to change. I needed to grow, heal and experience life.

I still live in that one-bedroom apartment. I am dating a great guy. I have no clue what the future holds and things may change, but for the season I am in right now I do not want to get married again or have kids. I will buy a house and a boat. I will always be a lake girl! People question me on the kid and marriage thing when they find out. It baffles them and they think it is not what I truly want.

Here’s my perspective on the whole thing:

First and foremost, it is not my plan it is his. I never thought I would get divorced and be where I am today. In my mind, I would be married, in a house, with a kid or two. It is also exhausting trying to plan or figure out the future. You make plans and then it goes down a different way. So I wasted all that time planning when I could have just been living. Second, I am truly happy where I am. I know I am right where I am supposed to be. I am soaking up this season. I am enjoying it. I love the peace and low responsibility I have right now. I am learning the lessons I need to learn and growing as a person. I am blooming where I am planted. For the first time in my life, I am not dead focused on achieving more. I am soaking up every second… good and bad. Trust me, this is a first for this go-getter, doesn’t take no for an answer, hard working, and driven girl. Third, I have complete peace about my future. I know it will be incredible. I know I will be able to get through the hard things and come out better. I don’t worry about marriage or kids because if it is in my future, great, it will happen exactly when it is supposed to. If not, there is something different in store. I know God will provide a sweet and incredible life for me. One that fills my mind, body, spirit and soul. I know it and feel it to my bones. My life is already promised.

I don’t know what I would “title” this season of life. Sweetness, peace, appreciation, just living… all of the above? I took life for granted in my last season. I didn’t appreciate life the way I do now.

In this season, I look for and pay attention to the little things. I look for the moments of growth, personally and in the people around me. I look for and take advantage of the times I can tell someone I love them, I am proud of them, and I verbally recognize the growth they have made. A majority of the time, they don’t even recognize how far they have come. Life should be celebrated!!! Words that build, encourage and praise people are and should be overused. Words can and will change someone’s life. Good or bad. They have an immense amount of power. The great thing about words is you can think before you speak. Now we aren’t perfect here and I have said things that hurt peoples feelings. I apologize and work to make the situation right. We learn the best lessons through out mistakes.

I look at each person’s love tank different. Each love language is a separate bucket and I want to overflow each one. I always say someone’s love tank can never be too full. Yes, we have primary love language, but let’s be real… everyone likes to be loved in each language. I show my love best through words of affirmation, acts of service and quality time. Gift giving is very unnatural to me. I have to be super intentional to fill that bucket. Regardless of my ability to fill each bucket, I work every day to overflow them for my people.

Another thing that has become a norm for me is being extra thankful. I used to take the little/normal things in life for granted or just expect them. For example, every night when I take a shower with hot water I say a little, “Thank you God for this hot water and the ability to clean my body every night!” Another simple thing I am so thankful for is the ability to fill my gas tank. I used to drive a small car, but totaled it in an accident in December. I drive a big SUV now and it’s a pretty penny to fill up. The fact that I have the money to put gas in my vehicle is such a huge blessing. God gets a thank you every time I put gas in my car. Another one is the ability to open my eyes in the morning. To be in comfy pj’s, snuggled up next to two fur babes, to feel the a/c, hear my alarm going off, and to get out of bed without a struggle. There are many things that get “thank you’s” as I go throughout my day. Sometimes I say it aloud and other times just in my head. I have my head on a swivel for God’s favor and the little (but very big) blessings in my life. I have proof every day that God provides exactly what I need and then blows that out of the water!

Basically I am in a season of complete appreciation for life. I am thankful for the struggles. I am thankful for my failed marriage and divorce. I am thankful for every single no I have ever received. I am thankful for each time life has knocked me over. I am thankful for the times I felt I wasn’t good enough. I am thankful for every rain storm. Because through all of that, I learned to dance. I learned to stand strong and firm in my faith. I learned God is good. I learned what things I have control over and what I don’t. I learned how rich my life really is. I learned how to be better and use my voice. I learned the power of laughter and healing your heart. I learned new skills and gained wisdom you only get after going through tough life moments. I have become a new person that has a great deal of self-worth, confidence and joy. I am confident in my future and my abilities. I know I have the tools, people and faith to get me through anything. THAT is celebrated every day. Even on the days I feel like I am behind in life, I am a failure or whatever negative self talk I tell myself. Every day isn’t perfect. Every day is just a chance to be better. Remember those are the character building days and those are just as important as the good days. It’s okay to not be okay. Just don’t wallow in it.

Friends, celebrate you. Celebrate life. Celebrate the little moments. Be happy. Be sad. Be better. Do a quick inventory on how far you have come. Looking back through pictures is a quick and easy reminder. Always always always remember, God knew the world that we are in today needed you. Just the way you are. Shine your bright light and celebrate all life’s moments!!

As always, thank you for reading along! I hope you feel empowered and loved after you read this blog. I know I do writing them. I believe to my core this is just a tool God uses to speak to you. I am just the messenger. Have the most incredible day!

Until next time,

Amanda