Hi friends! What’s the good news? Livin’ life? Looking for God’s favor in your life? OR are you struggling? Barely making it? Maybe a mix of both? I have been a mix for a while. Happy, healing and grieving all at the same time.

March 2018 is when I feel I was put into a sling shot and have been slowly pulled back, under tension since then. One day I will be released to soar. In the meantime, I have had great moments and even more moments of growth. It’s been a journey to say the least. The most incredible journey with ups, downs and just about everything in between. I used to get annoyed during those life “rainstorms”, but now I have learned to dance in the rain because things are shifting, moving and changing. I am being formed into the person I am made to be! Call me overly optimistic… I believe you always have a choice. Don’t get me wrong I definitely have moments of, “WTF?!” They are full of tears, worry, stress and no hope. It’s not always rainbows and sunshine around here. Let’s just say I live life with a 90/10 rule with my thoughts and 80/20 rule with food. We’ll talk about food stuff another day… maybe my favorite go-to recipes. Stay tuned! Squirrel! Back to our topic.

I think I changed the most when I took moments to sit back and watch all the ways God moved in my life. I saw first hand that everything down to the tiniest detail was taken care of. It showed me that the things I thought were happening to me to “destroy or set me back” were in reality happening FOR me.

When something is meant for you, it will happen the second God wants it to. Not the moment you think you are ready for it. The moment you ARE ready for it.

Since it’s been a while since I have blogged (even though I said this year was going to be full of blogging… well well well we have 5ish months left of 2022 so there is still time to make up for it), let’s recap some of the things I have learned, have lived by for years and just some simple reminders that have smacked me in my face the past eight months of 2022. Here we go, yall!

• I have a new attitude that the things that are meant for me will find me when I am actually ready to receive them.
  
• This year has strengthened my faith in massive ways. I have watched God move mountains in and for the people around me. I have watched their faith grow. I have seen God deliver exactly what they needed and then some.
  
• I adopted an unwavering faith that I am being taken care of down to the smallest things. There has been many many many thankful tears shed in moments when God delivered exactly what I needed. Sometimes it is in the last hour, but it always comes through. I literally sit in compete aw and know there will be more grateful tears to come.
  
• I have really learned you have to grieve the life you thought you would have, the relationships with certain people and the things you would do. That has been the hardest part of my divorce. I had a 5, 10 and 15 year plan. Things were falling right into place and then divorce. Just because I miss the life I had planned doesn’t mean I want that life back. I just thought I would be married, have kids, a house and all the moments/memories that come with that by 30. Again, if I meant to have those things they will happen in God’s timing. Not mine. I am perfectly okay with that. I am enjoying this season. This season is very peaceful, full of sleep and freedom. Haha!
  
• I am enjoying the season I am in and cherishing each moment. I used to look so far into the future and what was next I would miss the joy right in front of me. I would be lying if I said I didn’t worry about the future and “timelines” at times. I do. I just know if it’s meant for me it will be.
  
• You also have to grieve the person you were. Yup. You will change and grow into a new you. Not an entirely new you, but a new version… let’s say Amanda 2.0!
  
• Friends come and go. You get on different paths. You don’t talk as often. I am always here if you need me.
  
• Boundaries are for you, not for them. I have found holding a boundary every time versus having a big conversation about your boundaries has worked better from my experiences. People freak out when you have big conversations about new boundaries because they feel like you are taking something from them. Remember people resist change because of the impact it will have on THEM.
  
• Calm, cool conversations are key. It’s all in your delivery.
  
• Physical fitness and a routine will change your life. That routine should include things for YOU. What fills your cup? It can be simple things. It can be grand things. Just think of the things you enjoy doing and include at least one in your daily routine. One of mine is making my bed everyday. It starts my day right, brings me a sense of accomplishment and there is nothing better than getting in a made bed at night. I’m a simple soul with a grateful heart and easy to please.
  
• I experience big emotions when when I am close to a breakthrough and working through my crap. I am typically tired, no energy, overwhelmed, have lots of tears, frustrations, irritable, impatient, and little things that normally don’t both me do. For example, my friends and I laugh because when we are in these stages we say, “[Insert name] is just breathing too loud!” Haha I have learned to embrace these moments and just sit in it. It may be uncomfortable, but I will work through faster if I do.
  
• Serve where there is a need and you will be blessed. Live your life with a servants heart. You are doing the work of God – he will give you exactly what you need to serve. Matt is the very best at this.
  
• Look for God’s favor in it all. Example, when I get a green light God get’s a quick Thank you!
  
• Make a bucket list for each year. It can be whatever you want. Some of the things on my list I have been wanting to do for years, I just always brushed them off. It has been fun to cross things off my list!
  
• I also created a grateful jar this year. I have been writing good things, memories, funny moments, etc. on sticky notes and putting them in a big mason jar. I will read them on 12/31/2022. I have a feeling this will be a norm going forward!
  
• Healing is messy, tough, and not fun. Those days when you are angry, sad, frustrated, etc. you are healing. Remember those feelings are secondary emotions. Try to figure out the core of what is really going on. Once you identify the root cause, you normally will simmer down. You can now move forward to resolve that feeling or setting a boundary to prevent it in the future. You will always have triggers or things you don’t like. That’s life buttercup!! It’s not what happens to you, it is how you react. You can control that, so work on it! It takes practice and you will get better the more you do it.
  
• Shit is going to happen. Things suck at times. It’s a season. It’s either a lesson or a blessing. I challenge that it is always both. Some seasons are longer than others, but it’s a season. Sometimes it’s so shitty all you can do is cry or laugh. Grace, my friend, grace. It will get better. Life is a rollercoaster full of ups, downs, twist and turns. Strap in sister! What a ride!!
  
• If your heart is in it, you can’t fail. Ever. You only fail when you quit. Just keep getting back up because one day you will stay up.
  
• When you feel complete peace about a decision, that’s when you know it’s right. Trust God’s direction for your life and your intuition. I always say that “gut feel” is God’s voice or your guardian angels directing you. Trust yourself and don’t be afraid to make the “wrong decision”. There is no such thing. Again, lesson or blessing. You will always end up on the path you are supposed to be on. Even if you take a few or a lot of detours.
  
• Get you some God friends. They will be game changers.
  
• Everything that happens to you in your life is for you. Whether it’s to help someone else in a similar situation, grow, impact, change, encourage or simply just learn. It is all for you and for his kingdom of people. Remember he made YOU exactly the way you are for a reason. He knew the world, today, needed a YOU!
  
• Save your money. Budget. Spend within your means. Learn to say no. Your people will understand. There will be sacrifices. It’s worth it.
  
• You will only get what you want in life by working for it, asking for it and being assertive. This is a HUGE lesson I have learned this year and is 100% a work in progress!
  
• Laugh. Say what is on your mind. Put it all out there. Love your people big! Invest in your people. Invest in you. Invest in your future. You are worth it!

The last five years have been game changers for me. I have put some serious intentional work to be better in all areas of my life. At times it has been harder than others, but the reason I have had so much personal growth these last five years is because in each moment I intentionally choose my reaction/response. Some reactions/responses have not been great and are definitely “be better” moments and others I have nailed. I accept I am 100% a work in progress. I just don’t accept having a victim mentality. It actually makes me cringe when people make that their excuse for horrible behavior. Shit happens to everyone. We have all had unfair, bad or unexpected things happen to us. Put your big girl panties on or pull up your boot straps and move forward. What happened to you, happened. Now Choose to be better. Choose to rise above it all. CHOOSE TO LEARN FROM IT! It’s your choice. I have made my choice and my life is better because of it. I have great relationships and friendships in my life because of it. I sleep with peace at night because of it. I have a stronger relationship with God because of it. I am who I am today because of all the shenanigan’s I have been through and the choices I have made.

Life is too short to settle for misery. You are worthy of GREATNESS! You are worthy of JOY! You are worthy of LOVE! You are worthy of those pulls on your heart! You are worthy of it all!!

Have a great day! Look for God’s favor. Smile. Laugh. Give a stranger a compliment. Go make someone’s day!

Until next time,

Amanda

On 3/31 my precious Ava girl went to be with Jesus. I wanted to do a blog post to capture the good moments, memories, and create a post that honors her life. How? Because I have tried and I keep starting over because it just doesn’t do her justice. So instead of attempting to put together the perfect words, I thought it would be more fitting to write her a letter. So here we go….

Ava,

My sweet, precious and perfect girl! I miss you so much! When you went to Heaven, I felt a piece of me went with you. I have had this pit in my stomach for a week now and my heart feels bruised. I know all too well that feeling is grief. Even though I knew it was time, it doesn’t make it easier. Everyone told me I would know when it was time to let you go. I believe in a way, you told me too. You were sick for a while and we did everything we could to help you. Being your mama made my heart grow ten sizes. You were a true rescue (who could leave you at a dump in Baytown?!), but Lord knows we both needed to be rescued. Baby girl, you did just that. You helped heal parts of me that needed pure unconditional love that only a four legged fur baby can provide.

Ava you brought so much love and laughter into my life. I was so proud of you and proud to be your mama. You were so sweet, playful, super smart and obedient. A true border collie and golden retriever mix with the perfect combination of each breed’s best qualities. You were the hide and seek champ. You could find anyone. You made the best bear noises and had the prettiest shark teeth. You had an insanely good memory and I felt you could understand every word I said. I loved how you would sleep at the foot of my bed every night until you got too hot and then moved to the tile floor. You would get SO excited when we went on walks or when we went to Mamo and Popper’s. Anytime we would get ready to leave you would run around making it tough to put your leash on. You loved to bark at the trash people and really any noise outside our door. Those high pitched barks would practically give me a heart attack. Sometimes you would sit next to me and listen to me ramble on about something I was trying to figure out. I always appreciated those moments, because even though you can’t talk you helped me work through so many situations. Those gestures of big sighs, winks and eye rolls were great feedback. You were a nap queen and the most peaceful sleeper. Sometimes I would just watch you sleep and express complete gratitude to the big man upstairs for allowing me to be your mama. You would sit by the window and watch everything and everyone. That is something you got from your mama… your love of people watching. Your favorite treats were bones, bell peppers, frozen green beans, apples, carrots, eggs, but your favorite treat was popcorn. When the kernels would start popping you would prance around the kitchen waiting for the popcorn to be done. Sometimes you would bark at me if I didn’t put it in the bowl fast enough. You would always stand right under me just in case a piece fell. You were quite the foodie! I mean I don’t blame you…. let’s just say you go that from your mama too! You would work it to get food. The ears, the smile, the eyes and the patience. I mean how could we ever resist your sweet face?! Some people *cough Matt cough* were suckers for sneaking you food. Ha! Baby girl, you know this list could go on and on and on. I was so in tune with you and your behaviors. I was really in a constant state of aw. You were my girl and I was your mama! I unconditionally loved you, adored you and soaked up every second of you.

You and I went through a lot of life together. Highs, lows, and about everything in between. You were right by side through it all. Dance parties to bawling crying in a ball on the floor. You were there for it. Thank you for never leaving my side! Just your presence was healing and comforting. Again, who rescued who?

No matter how bad or good my day was, I knew I was coming home to you. Your greeting’s were the BEST!! Shark teeth smile, loud barks, waggin’ tail, and just so much excitement you could barely contain yourself. You would get your lovin’ and then run over to the crate to let Murray out. You were the best sissy to Reba and Murray. You shared your toys, played hard, snuggled and every now and then would remind them you were the boss. The apartment is really quiet now that you and Reba aren’t here. Murray is just not quite the talker you were. He is gentle, calm and so laid back. He misses you a lot too, but is adjusting to the only child life. I am sure he will love being the center of attention soon just as you did when you were an only child.

Ava one of the many things I loved about you is that you were always happy even on the days you were in a lot of pain. The only times you weren’t happy was if you got a bath, mama trimmed your toe nails, cleaned your ears, or if someone left without saying good bye to you. I loved your personality and your larger than life heart! You truly lit up any room you were in.

I know you are sitting next to Jesus and are pain free now. Guaranteed you got a fast pass to Heaven with how sweet you were. You served your purpose and there is purpose in your passing too. I am just not sure what that is yet. I can imagine you are running around in beautiful green pastures filled with the most beautiful flowers chasing cows, tennis balls and your sissy and friends. You have a comfy bed to sleep in every night and all the toys to play with. You are in complete peace! I rest easier knowing you looking down on us with the most beautiful smile and those sweet chocolate brown eyes. I just wish I could hear those moans, groans, growls and barks again. I just wish I could give you all the kisses on your face and give you one of those mama loves you with everything hugs. I know I will again some day and until then you are my guardian angel watching over me, Murray, Matt and the rest of your family.

Ava you were my world and I was yours. I cherish each second we were able to spend together. Being your mama was a precious gift from above and the good Lord knew exactly what he was doing when he brought you into my life. A true match made in Heaven!

We all miss you so much! Our hearts hurt and tears fall from our eyes often. We also find joy, laughter and healing when we talk about you. Thank you for loving us, protecting us, and making us laugh so much! You were the best little sassy pants diva girl!

You came into my life and changed it for the better. I am better because of you and who you were. I will always love you, cherish you, honor you and talk to you (even if that makes me look cray cray)!

I miss your loud barks, dog hair, and wet nose kisses. I miss your good morning’s and your playful spirit. I just miss so many different moments of you. It will take time to grieve your death. I promise to move forward in bravery and live life to the fullest because that is how you lived. Life is short and your death is a reminder of that. Fly high baby girl!!

I will love you forever and always, Ava!

XOXO,

Your mama

Hi friends! My last post was all about boundaries and overcoming my not so favorite character traits. (You can read it here if you missed it.) I feel like some of them are partly self-induced from self imposed pressure, but all of them are just a part of my DNA. I recognize the impact (good and bad) they have and can have on my life, so I go to therapy to work through and create healthy coping mechanisms. I always tell Matt, “At least I go to therapy to deal with my crazy!” We all have some crazy! Therapy isn’t bad. It is equal to the gym for your mental health. I am just a huge supporter of both – physical and mental work! I am a constant work in progress to be the best version of me. Someone that loves me through it all and is my biggest cheerleader is my sweet mama! She is my go-to for all things in my life! We joke about me being her clingy daughter that calls multiple times a day. I call her on my way home from work every day. Even though we know exactly what we are doing we still ask each other, “What are you doing?” The older I get I feel like I am more and more like my mom. She is the very best and always knows exactly what to say. She is my best friend and someone I look up to! With all that said, why not do a Q&A with the one and only, my mama! Yall are in for a real treat!

Just so yall know, I am typing this exactly as she is talking, so these are the first responses that come to mind when I ask her the following questions. Enjoy!

Isn’t she the cutest??

1. What did you want to be when you were younger?
   
   M: My mom told me that I never wanted to get married and have ten kids.
   A: Um… what?! Seriously.
   M: That’s what I said when I was little, but I never really had a thing that was my true calling.
   Joining the Air Force was a family tradition, but I was the first girl to ever go into the service. So I guess that’s it?
   
   
2. Tell me something funny about your mom.
   
   My mom would always sneak off during hunting season to go to Reno. My dad would leave on a Friday and she would be hitting the airport about an hour later. He would come back on a Monday or Tuesday and she would come back right before he would come back. She would be dog tired from saying up the night before. She would always go with my Aunt Robin or Aunt Arlene. But supposedly my dad never knew.
   
   
3. Tell me something funny about your dad.
   
   Umm… he wasn’t really funny. But he could make me laugh with stories at dinner. He would have milk coming our of your nose. But he was pretty serious and quite a softy at the same time. If there was an animal, butter. Humans, he was a hard ass.
   
   
4. What was your favorite food or snack as a child?
   
   When my mom started dating my dad we would go visit. He would make spaghetti or pot roast. Of course with pot roast, nothing could touch until I was older. But his spaghetti. I could eat two plates at 10. As we got older, we would have contest of who could make better sauce. He always won. His spaghetti was the best!
   
   
5. What was your most prized possession as a kid?
   
   I would say, and I still have it, but the chain is broken. A cross necklace that was my grandma’s.
   
   
6. What is the top three most important lessons you have learned over time?
   
   – Be true to yourself.
   – Love your family, always, even when you don’t like them necessarily… you know what I mean?
   – Umm.. I guess… even though you always give yourself make time to take care of you. You aren’t any good to anyone if you don’t care of yourself. It’s easy to forget.
   
   
7. What are you most proud of?
   
   My kids. [cue the tears] and having the marriage that we have. Especially coming from our history.
   
   
8. What is one piece of advice you have received and still live by?
   
   The story I told you my whole life… no no no. My dad gave me advice when I got married, and we live by this every day. To always say I love you when you wake up, when you go to bed and when you are leaving. Give your person a kiss… and you know say I love you 100 times [insert giggle] before you hang up because you never know if that is the last time you will tell that person I love you and give them a kiss. Of course, we beat that to death because it’s true. You just never know.
   
   
9. Who inspired you the most in life?
   
   Umm.. that’s a toss up because I would say my mom because my mom had a tough life with her marriages, raising three kids and working 2-3 jobs to support us. She always put us kids first. Then my other one would be my grandma.. because I think I am who I am because of her [cue the tears] because of the time we lived with her.
   
   
10. When was the first time you went on a plane?
    
    Umm… after I graduated high school. My mom and I went on my graduation trip to Hawaii.
    
    
11. What is your favorite place you ever visited?
    
    Hmmm…. Probably that Grand Velas Resort in Mexico. That was amazing! Beach wasn’t as good but the hotel was amazing.
    
    
12. How has society and the world changed since you were younger?
    
    Umm… hmmm… the value of life is decreased. You hear of shootings everyday because someone cut them off. Umm… Patriotism. People willing to work for what they got. People today just want things given to them. They just want what they have without having to work their ass off for it. Luckily we have raised contributing adults.
    
    
13. What is the hardest thing you have ever done?
    
    [Cue the tears] saying good bye to my parents when they died. Especially my mom.
    [Cue the tears from both of us]
    
    *Side note – my mom was holding each of her parent’s hands when they passed.*
    
    
14. What is some advice you would give someone in your 20’s, 30’s, 40’s, 50’s?
    
    20’s – In your twenties… go and enjoy life! Be safe in what you do but have fun!! Find your lifelong friends, go to college, date, travel, umm… just have fun!
    30’s – Hopefully by your 30’s you’ll find your person. Date, commit to marriage if you want that, travel, and have couple time before you bring kids into the equation (that could be in your twenties too). Take care of yourself, find your career, but don’t forget that your work is not everything. Even when raising kids, work will always be there but raising kids goes way too fast. Just enjoy it.
    40’s – 40’s were kind of a blur… we were doing kid stuff. Enjoy your family time and all the things you are doing with your friends and family. Work hard so that when you retire you can retire in comfort.
    50’s – Have fun! Usually you are empty nesters by then. Make sure you still love your spouse, which luckily I do. Find the thing that you all love to do. We had boating, so the hours and hours we spent with our kids and friends gave us life long memories.
    60’s – 60’s is the new 40! Have fun so your kids tell you you have more fun than they do. [Insert giggles]
    
    
15. What is something you have always been good at?
    
    Gosh, definitely not running – LOL! Is this PG version? LOL Umm just taking care of others and helping others.
    
    
16. How much was your annual salary for your first job? Did you ever struggle with money and if so how did you work through it?
    
    First adult job was the Air Force. When I got out of the Air Force my salary was $14,000 or something crazy like that. How we lived I don’t know? Did I ever struggle with money? Well when you make $14,000 a year… [insert giggles]. Basically manage what you spend based on what you have. I was never a credit card person, so if I did put something on a credit card I would pay it off the next month. Then had a side job while I was in the Air Force. Half of everything I made in that job went in savings and the other half I could spend. So when I got out of the Air Force I had a nice little nest egg.
    
    
    
17. Top three relationship advice nuggets that you have used to stay married 30 plus years?
    
    – Umm… well… always be respectful. Sometimes you may want to say something, but once you say it you can’t take it back. You know what I am saying right?
    – Make time for each other.. especially when you have kids. Without an us there is no family. So you have to date and make time for your spouse. Kids are important, but not the most important. They will grow up and move out. You don’t want to be married 20 years and the realize you don’t like each other.
    – And, let’s see… don’t get on the merry go round of I’m not doing this because you are doing that and then it spirals out of control. Well no… I guess the number one is when you get married you don’t go into it thinking if this doesn’t work out we will get a divorce. There were for sure conversations of this is not what I signed up for, but we worked through it.
    
    
18. When you were a child what did you do when you were bored?
    
    Probably would read a book or play with my cousins. My favorite cousin, Kevin, and I were about the same age so we would play. If I was by myself, I would read.
    
    
19. What is something I still might not know about you?
    
    M: Ummm… I don’t know… I am pretty much an open book. My bra size – LOL!!
    A: That is true… I wouldn’t know! LOL
    M: or my weight – LOL No one is ever going to know that! Okay, the doctor but LOL
    
    
20. What makes you feel loved?
    
    Well depends on who it is. Just spending time with your dad and with my kids. Quality time. Also, when they tell me they love me 100 times when they say good bye. I guess it’s just the quality time when they say they want to spend time with me… spending time with Braxton too!
    
    
21. Top three places or things you want to do before you die?
    
    – Umm make sure I don’t have the grey silver back in my hair… no one wants to see that [insert giggles]
    – I would like to go to Italy
    – and…. sell another house – LOL
    
    *Side note – my mom is a realtor! She’s your go-to lady to help with all housing needs!*
    
    
22. Are there some things you wish you had done differently in life?
    
    Hmm.. no. No.
    
    
23. What advice would you give me for where I am in my life?
    
    Follow your heart. Stay true to you and don’t let anybody treat you less than you are [cue the tears] because you are pretty amazing!
    
    
24. What is the hardest thing about raising children?
    
    M: Letting them fall on their face.. I haven’t quite mastered that.
    A: What do you mean?
    M: Just sometimes you have to let them find out the hard way and you can’t always bail them out.
    
    
25. What is the hardest age when raising children? (Their age)
    
    Probably middle school because the girls are bitches, start of the hormones and the drama of middle school. Because the girls are bitches! They start being more independent. They want more freedom and they don’t get as much freedom as they want. Plus we didn’t have Life360 back then. [insert the giggles]
    
    
26. What is the nicest thing someone has ever done for you?
    
    M: Ummm…
    A: First thing that comes to mind.
    M: When a dear friend gave me a ticket to go see my parents. I don’t even remember why, what the occasion was or the details.
    
    
27. What are your God given gifts/talents?
    
    M: Hmm.. definitely not laundry
    A: [insert giggles] That’s where I get it from!
    M: Umm being helpful. I have always liked helping people that need help. Umm.. it’s definitely not math. [insert giggles] I don’t know… being able to have a good read on people too.. intuition or whatever you want to call it. I don’t know what else.
    
    
28. What does success mean to you?
    
    Umm… I guess having people I don’t know… I don’t really have a good definition for that… I guess work, but how many hours did I work? I guess being respected and loved by my family, peers and Braxton. Being a good Mamo! That’s it!
    
    
29. What has been the hardest thing for you to overcome?
    
    Losing my mom.
    
    
30. What are your fears?
    
    Not being there for my kids and grandson.
    
    
31. What has been your most stressful experience in life?
    
    When dad has his pulmonary embolisms.
    
    
32. What do you still not understand?
    
    Hmm… I don’t know. I don’t have a good answer for that… well why I can’t win the lottery [insert giggles].. you know the big one!! I do know the answer to that.. you have to buy a ticket to win.
    
    
33. What do you wish you knew more about?
    
    Umm… umm…. um…. [insert giggles] first thing that came to mind was knitting and crocheting.
    
    
34. What is your most used kitchen item?
    
    My wine opener – LOL!
    
    
35. Is there a moment in your life you can look back on that changed everything? If so, what was it? Did you know it would change your life in that moment?
    
    When I met your dad. I didn’t know it would change everything. I just thought he was nice. I didn’t think in my wildest dreams I would marry a Texas boy and move down here. Here we are 38 years later with the family and love we have.
    
    
36. What is your favorite movie?
    
    The Notebook.
    
    
37. How would you describe your parenting style?
    
    Umm… which child? LOL Well… I mean. I don’t know… loving, strict, always there if you need me. I am willing to drop everything in a moments notice when they need something. Loving, supportive, and never the mother in law from hell.
    
    
38. What is your top three pet peeves?
    
    M: Smacking! Slurping! Even though I slurp somethings… apparently. [insert giggles]
    A: Just your coffee [insert giggles]
    M: and then umm… I hate being late.
    
    *Side note – slurping and smacking are both my pet peeves too! When I was younger my mom would curl my hair. We had to be quiet because my dad was sleeping in the other room. She would have her coffee and slurp. I would be so annoyed, but we would laugh so hard every time she went to take a drink. It made for some good memories and laughs!*
    
    
39. In what way is life harder or easier now?
    
    Harder – Harder because I worry about the future and what I’m leaving behind. My family, spouse…
    Easier – Easier because with age comes wisdom.. we don’t have to give a fu@% what anyone thinks anymore.
    
    
40. What is your favorite thing about dad?
    
    [insert smile and giggle and then tears] Just that I know that he loves me no matter what.
    
    
41. What does he do that makes you feel most loved?
    
    He just shows his love all the time in a million different ways. Every time we sit down to eat dinner or snacks or whatever he always leans over kisses me and says thank you for whatever it is.
    
    
42. What song describes your life right now?
    
    Oh lord! I am the worst at that because I never know the name of songs… [gets out phone] – hold on! Thank you Lord by Thomas Rhett.
    

A: All done!! Is there anything else you want to add?
M: I didn’t know this Q& A would make me cry, laugh… I think you need to do it with your dad too! Super bowl night is not the night to do it though!

I just love and adore my mom!! Anyone that meets her just loves her too. She is truly such a sweet, sweet soul. I just pray one day I will be half of the mom she is. Because if that’s the case, wow my kids are blessed! A true woman of strength, class, resilience, high character, joy and love. I’m the lucky one that gets to call her mom!

I hope you enjoyed this as much as I did. Thank you mama for doing a Q&A session with me! Love you forever and always!! XOXO

Until next time friends,

Amanda

Hi friends! We’re back again and ready to write. I had a lot of different ideas for this post, but the one thought that keeps coming to mind is this:

Other people’s problems are not yours to fix. When you try to fix everyone’s problems you rob them of the lessons they are supposed to learn AND if they don’t learn THEIR lesson they will continue to make the same mistakes until they do learn.

Mic drop.

Well wait there is more! Plenty more! Raw, real, honest and transparent feelings and struggles ahead with lessons learned. I have a feeling this one will resonate with a lot of people. Get your blanket, drink of choice and let’s dive in!

See for years I have struggled with:

-The Fear of making a mistake, making the wrong decision or one that will upset people. I just wanted to please the people in my life and never ever disappoint the people I loved or loved me the most.

-The feeling of shame/embarrassment that came from the times I felt I didn’t live a certain way or to a level society expected me to live. I also struggled with the shame that came from making a mistake regardless if it was in my control or not. In my eyes, mistakes were costly and would set me back. I had to hold myself to a certain level of “perfect” that I set in my mind or I would be unlovable.

– The feeling of over-responsibility when it comes to other people’s problems/issues. I either try to fix the problem on my own or worse take responsibility as if I was the one that caused the problem. It has been a common theme for me to take full accountability for anything and everything in my life regardless if it is my problem or not.

– Perfectionism in the way I wanted to be viewed by the people in my life. I wanted to be seen as a successful person. The problem is I based my success off of society’s checklist. You know go to college, meet your husband, get a job, buy a house, get married, have kids, etc. Which is a huge reason I struggled so much through my divorce because people like me don’t get divorced. It was a huge hit to my ego, impacted the view I had of myself, broke the trust I had in my decision making skills and so much more. In my eyes, that “checklist” was my way to feel, look, and be successful. If I checked every box on that list, then the people in my life would think I was successful too and I wouldn’t be a disappointment. I never wanted to people to think I wasn’t living my life the “right” way.

– Competitiveness in the way I always had to maintain an above average life. I was never the very best, but I was always above average… in school, sports, work, etc. My fear from possibly making a mistake and not wanting to be in the limelight has always been a belief that has held me back. People love to watch the best fail right? Well that’s a saying I have always heard. I never wanted to deal with the rejection, criticism or judgement from making a mistake if I was the best. In my eyes, being above average kept me out of the limelight, I could stay off of people’s radars and continue to make people proud of me. Plus if I did fail, I was still above average so I had some wiggle room for imperfection.

– I have always been frustrated for my shortcomings and how unfair things always seem. I always knew and still know I am capable of so much more than what my life is right now. I have always been the one holding myself back. In my eyes, it always felt I had to work ten times harder than my peers for the good grades, starting positions or money/job recognition. It just feels that things have never come easy for me. I have to fight and grind my way to get/achieve anything. I have held myself back with the thought I didn’t deserve it, wasn’t good enough to have it, not qualified to achieve it or just didn’t straight up didn’t have the energy to accomplish it. Which in return would piss me off I even had those thoughts. A little cycle of never ending frustration.

There seems to be I am on a merry-go-round for a lot of my struggles. They are all interconnected and impact each other. With those struggles comes the following:

-The need to control everything
-Holding myself to my standard of “perfect” (which news flash is not ever possible!)
-Lack of boundaries
-Lack of ability to say no
-Internalizing frustrations
-Paralysis when making decisions
-Holding myself back

…and quite a few others, but those are the main ones I have really been working on for a little over a year now.

All of those struggles listed above have helped mold me into who I am today. Do I love those traits about myself? They aren’t my favorite, but it is apart of who I am. Those traits are what make me, Amanda. I am just making a conscious effort to be better in all areas of my life through different methods of therapy and healing processes. I want my mind, body, spirit and soul to be in a constant work in progress. I am striving to be better, stronger, and healthier.

Let’s dive a little deeper into the effects of my struggles aka the little list above.

First one up! The need to control everything. I have discovered a pattern this past year. When I lack control for the things going on in my life (think relationship, job, family matters, personal matters, etc.) I get real OCD about my house, car, cleaning, organizing. etc. I like things a certain way, but when I lack a sense of control I am over the top about it. I get very impatient and upset when things are unorganized, dirty, or messed up. I have done this pattern for many years, but I just assumed that I was annoyed with something and it would pass. It would, but the difference now is I look at things from a different perspective.

Friends, most emotions we express are secondary emotions. Which means there is a root to every emotion we feel. When I say I now look at things from a different perspective it means I am looking for the root of the emotion. Why am I annoyed? Why am I impatient? Why am I frustrated? Why am I cleaning like a psychopath? A majority of the time it was from a feeling of a lack of control in some area of my life. There is something so freeing about recognizing the root cause, asking yourself if it is something you can control (95% it is not) and then choosing your reaction from there. Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react. I have become very in tune with my emotions and have become more aware of this pattern. I now know how to work through the feelings that come with the feeling of a lack of control. Progress, friends, progress!

We have already touched on holding myself to my idea of “perfect”, so let’s dive into the lack of boundaries and not being able to say no. I want to clarify I am capable of setting boundaries and saying no. Where I lack the ability is with my people… my family and friends.

I am a fixer, listener, genuine person, very honest and someone that is available a majority of the time. That is the perfect recipe for being a go-to person when shit is hitting the fan, when people have an issue, or when life is good. I love being the anchor/go-to person for my friends and family. Steady, consistent, and grounded regardless of the situation around me. As much as I love being that person, it has come with a price.

I have lost sleep, cried, added grey hairs, and carried the stress from other people’s problems for years. Especially when it came to my family and friends. I always had this feeling that if I didn’t listen, try to help fix their problem or wasn’t there for them when they needed someone it meant I wasn’t being a good friend. I assumed they would feel lonely, not cared for, unheard, unseen or unimportant. I would never want my friends or family to feel that way, so I would answer the phone even though I didn’t have the energy. I would go above and beyond for them even though the same effort wasn’t always reciprocated towards me. I would show up and be there when they needed me. I was always a listening ear, shoulder to cry on or person to vent to. I would listen and talk about anything and everything under the sun. I would do whatever it took to make sure they felt loved, cherished and important regardless the toll it took on me. I love my people big and hard. I just didn’t know how to set boundaries and say no.

This past year has been transformational when it comes to the relationships in my life. I have been to many hours of therapy (different versions) to work through a lot. The main thing I worked on was setting boundaries and not taking responsibility to fix people’s problems. Boundaries are very healthy and very hard to hold when you are someone that didn’t have strong boundaries with the people I am close to for many years. When I would set a boundary I felt like I was letting someone down and cared less about them. Which is not true, but it is how I felt for many years… hence why I struggled setting boundaries. Boundaries aren’t necessarily for other people. They are for you and your mental health.

This past year I broke the belief that setting boundaries with my family and friends means I care about them less. I broke the belief that it’s my job to fix people’s problems. I broke the belief I always have to be there for people. I broke the belief that setting boundaries is scary, hard, insensitive, and rude. I broke the belief that setting boundaries opens the door for people to fully reject you.

What I learned is boundaries are healthy and good. At first, people will push back and not like when you set boundaries. They will eventually come around or they won’t. Either outcome is okay. Boundaries are a form of self-love. Boundaries are important for your peace. Boundaries can absolutely be selfish and for good reason. Boundaries are set as a standard of how you allow people to treat you. Most importantly, I learned you can love someone, care for them and be there for them all while setting boundaries.

AND drum roll please… the biggest thing I learned and accepted is my ONLY job as a friend, daughter, sister, and girlfriend is to love my people. My job is not to fix their problems or take responsibility for them. My job is to love them for them and support them in their decisions. My job is to love them through all of life’s moments. My job is to TRUST they are capable of making their own decisions and dealing with the circumstances that come of them. I learned it’s okay to let things go, not be so available and let people figure things out on their own.

What’s crazy is the way people have handled their problems when they had to figure it out on their own has surprised me, encouraged me, and taught me something new. What?! Who knew that was possible? [insert wink]

By learning to set boundaries I have also learned how to clearly communicate my frustrations and process my emotions quickly. I have learned to be brave and speak up. It’s okay to upset people. Everyone is not going to agree with your decisions. People are going to judge you regardless so you might as well do what feels right to you. It is a okay to not have it all figured out and just be in the moment. It is okay to give your future to God and watch his plan unveil itself.

In the past, I have analyzed every decision I would have to make. What were the pros, cons, advantages, disadvantages and possible outcomes. Which is important, but too much of anything is a bad thing. The lists and analysis have for sure paralyzed me at times. I am learning to trust my gut instincts again and stand firm in my decisions. (When I got divorced I doubted my decision making skills because how could I have missed all the signs? That’s another topic for another day though.) It is okay to let things go and move forward with every expectation you are going to make mistakes and could possibly fail. Because, my friend, in the end you will always end up right where you are supposed to be. God knows every twist, turn and path you will take. Being a control freak is hard to have the faith he has your back through all of it. I know he does. I just doubt it at times.

I will never know the outcome of things unless I move forward with an action. I can sit in paralysis analysis forever. I can hold myself back because I am scared of mistakes, failure and what people will think of me OR I can move forward in faith, confidence, courage and strength. The choice is mine. I can and will continue to set boundaries, say no when I want, and work on my mental health to be better in all these areas. I will continue to love my people and be there for them. I will let people fix their own problems and learn their own lessons in their own time. I will support them through their journey. I now judge the “success” of my life on my happiness, health and progress versus the society checklist. I know what is meant for me will happen exactly when it’s supposed to. That would include marriage, kids, buying a house, and whatever else my future holds. Do I want those things? Absolutely. But again all that is given to God with the prayers I will follow and trust his direction even if it doesn’t make sense. It will all come in divine timing.

I am a constant work in progress. I am very in-tune with my emotions and am constantly working through them. I am a totally different person than I was two years ago because I have put in some serious hard-work to heal and be better. What’s actually mind blowing is four years ago this week I was on my honeymoon. L O freaking L! What a journey the past four years have been and the growth I have made in my life!! That right there gives me SO much confidence in God’s plan for me and my life. Even with that confidence though I still have doubts sometimes. I often question what the heck he is up to and if he hears little ole’ me down here.

Okay, friends, that’s enough for today. Let’s do a little recap!!

Set boundaries. Let people fix their own problems and learn their own lessons in their timing. Love your people big and hard! Have faith in your future and God’s plan for your life. What is meant for you will happen in diving timing. Soak up the chaos, embrace constant change and enjoy your journey. It is definitely quite the ride!!

Thank you for reading along and supporting this little ole’ blog of mine. Have an incredible day!!

Until next time,

Amanda

Hi friends! We are 24 days into 2022 and I keep writing 2021. Oops! Anyway, this year is going to be one of many things and one of those being more blog posts. The other week I had a dream this blog was mega big and I would have guest writers weekly. All things were talked about and it was such a fun, inviting, love yourself kind of place to be. I was famous and fabulous!! Haha That would all be really cool, but why wait until that happens to be fabulous and have guest writers?? We don’t have to. So this year is going to include more blogging with all of that and then some. We are going to semi change the theme of this blog too. Right now it’s more about healing, raw, and real feelings about going through life post divorce. There will still be posts of raw feelings and the healing journey. I will also include favorite things, recaps, fun Q&A’s, and random stuff. 2022 is going to be a theme with lots of laughter and a whole lot of livin’! I just choose to share some of that with you! So why not kick it off with a little recap of December? Here we go my friend!

When’s the last time I blogged?? November 30th… It was a list of the golden nuggets I learned from my 20’s. You can check it out here if you missed it. Now real life recap… what was I up to in December?

(If you know me, you know I bounce around in conversation, so there is no particular order to this recap. I was just writing as things came to mind and referencing my Google photos from December – LOL!)

For my birthday, Matt got us a 1964 1/2 mustang to fix up together. He knows how to work on cars. I kind of have a clue and definitely do not at the same time. In early December, he changed the oil and put new tires on it. I feel like we need a name for her… how about Pearl? She is a cream color with red interior. A real American beauty!! I am hoping when hunting season is over and the weather warms up we can get back to working on the stang! It really fills the quality time love language bucket which just happens to be my #1 love language. He did a fun reveal of Pearl at my birthday. He’s so great!

Lauren at Lauren Leigh Photography did my pictures and she was amazing!!

My parents took the boat out a few times when the weather was nice and toasty. Someone snapped this picture of them and it is definitely one of my favorites. They are just precious people. They love each other so much and have a true partnership for 30 plus years. That’s not saying all 30 were perfect. It is just saying they have always had each other’s back and grew together while choosing to love each other every day. My mom, dad and I all work in the same general area, so we meet for lunch quite often. It’s the best! I am so thankful to have two parents that love each other and still invest in their kid’s lives. We have always been a priority and there has never been a day I didn’t feel loved. That, my friends, is so very special. I hope they have felt the same way too because Lord knows the love is strong between all of us!

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Speaking of love… we love our B man!! My nephew is a HOOT! He is so fun, sweet, and witty. He will be four in April, so he is at such a fun age. That age also comes with no filter and brutal honesty. He just says exactly what is on his mind. Getting a picture with him is quite the challenge too unless it’s a goofy one. One day in December my mom was on the phone with my sister and B. He asked her if she was shooting fireworks… she was chopping cucumbers. HAHA! I swear he is getting bigger every time we see him. He looks so big in the second photo and is such a cutie pie! We just adore and love him so much!!

I made a few new recipes, but one that was a major hit was the Christmas Italian cheese log appetizer. It makes an entire loaf pan size cheese log, so be aware of size. It’s wonderful as leftovers, but just a lot. You can find the recipe here. It was so pretty for Christmas parties. The picture was from the first time I made it and the second time I made sure to get the sundried tomatoes that were already cut. I think it would be delicious stuffed inside a chicken breast.

Random, but in December I got bit by a spider. It was near my eye which was no fun. It looked like a massive pimple and my entire eyelid was swollen for a few days. All good now! I feel like people either have a phobia of spiders or snakes? Mine are snakes. Which do you fear more or do you have super powers and not fear either?

I went to dinner with one of my friends, Victoria, mid December. We went to dinner at Hearsay. She mentioned something about a warm brownie and ice cream for dessert and I couldn’t get it out of my mind, so we literally went to another restaurant to have that exact dessert. I mean is there anything better than a warm brownie and Blue Bell ice cream? Nope. But I will say good food, even better conversation and being home and in bed by 11 is a very close second. We both agreed to more nights like that this year and taking pictures together. Because we didn’t take one that night. I just took a good ole’ car selfie to send to Matt since he was at the ranch that weekend. After sending it, he told me I was so pretty I needed to turn around and go home… haha That man sure knows how to make a girl blush! That same weekend my entire immediate family and fur babes went on a family walk. The weather was chilly, but one of those beautiful Texas December days. We went on a long walk, snapped pictures and everyone got exercise. Quality family time is one of my favorite things to do. B can do the firetruck and police siren perfect. Well B proceeded to do the siren noise for a good solid five minutes on our walk after a firetruck drove by with the siren on. It was comical!

In December I was in a major clean out mood which was normally happened on a Friday night. I know, I know so wild over here! I love playing “dress up” in your own closet and putting new outfits together. Of course, you have to send your new creations to friends and get yourself hyped to wear your “new outfits” the following week. Does anyone else do this? It just feels so good to clean and organize.

I have the two sweetest fur babes around. One is a diva and the other is velcro. Can you figure out which one is which??

The fur babes went on lots of walks, learned a few new tricks, played and we all snuggled a lot. These two are rescues and we all needed each other. My precious angel babes really bring so much love and light to my life! These two just choose fur instead of wings.

My sister started a new tradition. Dinner and decorating Christmas cookies. Liz loves traditions and she will make them happen. B created a dinosaur and star with all the icing, glitter and sprinkles. Moments like this are what life is about. Living life and making memories!

Every Christmas Eve I make gumbo from scratch. We have been doing it for a couple of years and it is a true labor of love. This year I had some help from B and my mama. Once the gumbo was simmering, I went on the boat with my dad and B for a little boat ride. Boat rides in December when you have to bundle up are the best. The gumbo turned out really good and we timed everything perfect for our Christmas Eve dinner. We had some friends that are more like family join us. They brought delicious sides/appetizers and we just enjoyed the quality time together. Christmas Eve is one of my favorite holidays. We all agreed next year we would come in Christmas PJ’s and maybe play a few games. Low key and laid back!

Christmas day was full of activity! Breakfast and gifts at my parents house, lunch at Matt’s parent’s house, and dinner back at my parent’s house. Great food, happy moments, lots of laughter and people getting arrested by the police officer.

I finished the last week of the year by going to work, meeting friends for dinner, cleaning, organizing, resting, ringing in the New Year with Matt and his family, reflecting on the year and reminiscing on the good, bad, and ugly times of 2021. I try to reflect on the lessons learned, how I can be better next year and most importantly the wins and growth I had the past year.

December was overall a great month, full of those little memories we tend to forget about in the grand scheme of things. These years and moments are what make me feel so thankful God chose me to live this life. He continues to bless me with incredible people that push me to be better and love me for all that I am.

We laugh, we love and most importantly we live!!

Stay tuned for all the different blog posts this year! Hold on for the ride… it’s going to be a fun one!!

Until next time,

Amanda