Hi friends! We’re back again and ready to write. I had a lot of different ideas for this post, but the one thought that keeps coming to mind is this:
Other people’s problems are not yours to fix. When you try to fix everyone’s problems you rob them of the lessons they are supposed to learn AND if they don’t learn THEIR lesson they will continue to make the same mistakes until they do learn.
Mic drop.
Well wait there is more! Plenty more! Raw, real, honest and transparent feelings and struggles ahead with lessons learned. I have a feeling this one will resonate with a lot of people. Get your blanket, drink of choice and let’s dive in!
See for years I have struggled with:
-The Fear of making a mistake, making the wrong decision or one that will upset people. I just wanted to please the people in my life and never ever disappoint the people I loved or loved me the most.
-The feeling of shame/embarrassment that came from the times I felt I didn’t live a certain way or to a level society expected me to live. I also struggled with the shame that came from making a mistake regardless if it was in my control or not. In my eyes, mistakes were costly and would set me back. I had to hold myself to a certain level of “perfect” that I set in my mind or I would be unlovable.
– The feeling of over-responsibility when it comes to other people’s problems/issues. I either try to fix the problem on my own or worse take responsibility as if I was the one that caused the problem. It has been a common theme for me to take full accountability for anything and everything in my life regardless if it is my problem or not.
– Perfectionism in the way I wanted to be viewed by the people in my life. I wanted to be seen as a successful person. The problem is I based my success off of society’s checklist. You know go to college, meet your husband, get a job, buy a house, get married, have kids, etc. Which is a huge reason I struggled so much through my divorce because people like me don’t get divorced. It was a huge hit to my ego, impacted the view I had of myself, broke the trust I had in my decision making skills and so much more. In my eyes, that “checklist” was my way to feel, look, and be successful. If I checked every box on that list, then the people in my life would think I was successful too and I wouldn’t be a disappointment. I never wanted to people to think I wasn’t living my life the “right” way.
– Competitiveness in the way I always had to maintain an above average life. I was never the very best, but I was always above average… in school, sports, work, etc. My fear from possibly making a mistake and not wanting to be in the limelight has always been a belief that has held me back. People love to watch the best fail right? Well that’s a saying I have always heard. I never wanted to deal with the rejection, criticism or judgement from making a mistake if I was the best. In my eyes, being above average kept me out of the limelight, I could stay off of people’s radars and continue to make people proud of me. Plus if I did fail, I was still above average so I had some wiggle room for imperfection.
– I have always been frustrated for my shortcomings and how unfair things always seem. I always knew and still know I am capable of so much more than what my life is right now. I have always been the one holding myself back. In my eyes, it always felt I had to work ten times harder than my peers for the good grades, starting positions or money/job recognition. It just feels that things have never come easy for me. I have to fight and grind my way to get/achieve anything. I have held myself back with the thought I didn’t deserve it, wasn’t good enough to have it, not qualified to achieve it or just didn’t straight up didn’t have the energy to accomplish it. Which in return would piss me off I even had those thoughts. A little cycle of never ending frustration.
There seems to be I am on a merry-go-round for a lot of my struggles. They are all interconnected and impact each other. With those struggles comes the following:
-The need to control everything
-Holding myself to my standard of “perfect” (which news flash is not ever possible!)
-Lack of boundaries
-Lack of ability to say no
-Internalizing frustrations
-Paralysis when making decisions
-Holding myself back
…and quite a few others, but those are the main ones I have really been working on for a little over a year now.
All of those struggles listed above have helped mold me into who I am today. Do I love those traits about myself? They aren’t my favorite, but it is apart of who I am. Those traits are what make me, Amanda. I am just making a conscious effort to be better in all areas of my life through different methods of therapy and healing processes. I want my mind, body, spirit and soul to be in a constant work in progress. I am striving to be better, stronger, and healthier.
Let’s dive a little deeper into the effects of my struggles aka the little list above.
First one up! The need to control everything. I have discovered a pattern this past year. When I lack control for the things going on in my life (think relationship, job, family matters, personal matters, etc.) I get real OCD about my house, car, cleaning, organizing. etc. I like things a certain way, but when I lack a sense of control I am over the top about it. I get very impatient and upset when things are unorganized, dirty, or messed up. I have done this pattern for many years, but I just assumed that I was annoyed with something and it would pass. It would, but the difference now is I look at things from a different perspective.
Friends, most emotions we express are secondary emotions. Which means there is a root to every emotion we feel. When I say I now look at things from a different perspective it means I am looking for the root of the emotion. Why am I annoyed? Why am I impatient? Why am I frustrated? Why am I cleaning like a psychopath? A majority of the time it was from a feeling of a lack of control in some area of my life. There is something so freeing about recognizing the root cause, asking yourself if it is something you can control (95% it is not) and then choosing your reaction from there. Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react. I have become very in tune with my emotions and have become more aware of this pattern. I now know how to work through the feelings that come with the feeling of a lack of control. Progress, friends, progress!
We have already touched on holding myself to my idea of “perfect”, so let’s dive into the lack of boundaries and not being able to say no. I want to clarify I am capable of setting boundaries and saying no. Where I lack the ability is with my people… my family and friends.
I am a fixer, listener, genuine person, very honest and someone that is available a majority of the time. That is the perfect recipe for being a go-to person when shit is hitting the fan, when people have an issue, or when life is good. I love being the anchor/go-to person for my friends and family. Steady, consistent, and grounded regardless of the situation around me. As much as I love being that person, it has come with a price.
I have lost sleep, cried, added grey hairs, and carried the stress from other people’s problems for years. Especially when it came to my family and friends. I always had this feeling that if I didn’t listen, try to help fix their problem or wasn’t there for them when they needed someone it meant I wasn’t being a good friend. I assumed they would feel lonely, not cared for, unheard, unseen or unimportant. I would never want my friends or family to feel that way, so I would answer the phone even though I didn’t have the energy. I would go above and beyond for them even though the same effort wasn’t always reciprocated towards me. I would show up and be there when they needed me. I was always a listening ear, shoulder to cry on or person to vent to. I would listen and talk about anything and everything under the sun. I would do whatever it took to make sure they felt loved, cherished and important regardless the toll it took on me. I love my people big and hard. I just didn’t know how to set boundaries and say no.
This past year has been transformational when it comes to the relationships in my life. I have been to many hours of therapy (different versions) to work through a lot. The main thing I worked on was setting boundaries and not taking responsibility to fix people’s problems. Boundaries are very healthy and very hard to hold when you are someone that didn’t have strong boundaries with the people I am close to for many years. When I would set a boundary I felt like I was letting someone down and cared less about them. Which is not true, but it is how I felt for many years… hence why I struggled setting boundaries. Boundaries aren’t necessarily for other people. They are for you and your mental health.
This past year I broke the belief that setting boundaries with my family and friends means I care about them less. I broke the belief that it’s my job to fix people’s problems. I broke the belief I always have to be there for people. I broke the belief that setting boundaries is scary, hard, insensitive, and rude. I broke the belief that setting boundaries opens the door for people to fully reject you.
What I learned is boundaries are healthy and good. At first, people will push back and not like when you set boundaries. They will eventually come around or they won’t. Either outcome is okay. Boundaries are a form of self-love. Boundaries are important for your peace. Boundaries can absolutely be selfish and for good reason. Boundaries are set as a standard of how you allow people to treat you. Most importantly, I learned you can love someone, care for them and be there for them all while setting boundaries.
AND drum roll please… the biggest thing I learned and accepted is my ONLY job as a friend, daughter, sister, and girlfriend is to love my people. My job is not to fix their problems or take responsibility for them. My job is to love them for them and support them in their decisions. My job is to love them through all of life’s moments. My job is to TRUST they are capable of making their own decisions and dealing with the circumstances that come of them. I learned it’s okay to let things go, not be so available and let people figure things out on their own.
What’s crazy is the way people have handled their problems when they had to figure it out on their own has surprised me, encouraged me, and taught me something new. What?! Who knew that was possible? [insert wink]
By learning to set boundaries I have also learned how to clearly communicate my frustrations and process my emotions quickly. I have learned to be brave and speak up. It’s okay to upset people. Everyone is not going to agree with your decisions. People are going to judge you regardless so you might as well do what feels right to you. It is a okay to not have it all figured out and just be in the moment. It is okay to give your future to God and watch his plan unveil itself.
In the past, I have analyzed every decision I would have to make. What were the pros, cons, advantages, disadvantages and possible outcomes. Which is important, but too much of anything is a bad thing. The lists and analysis have for sure paralyzed me at times. I am learning to trust my gut instincts again and stand firm in my decisions. (When I got divorced I doubted my decision making skills because how could I have missed all the signs? That’s another topic for another day though.) It is okay to let things go and move forward with every expectation you are going to make mistakes and could possibly fail. Because, my friend, in the end you will always end up right where you are supposed to be. God knows every twist, turn and path you will take. Being a control freak is hard to have the faith he has your back through all of it. I know he does. I just doubt it at times.
I will never know the outcome of things unless I move forward with an action. I can sit in paralysis analysis forever. I can hold myself back because I am scared of mistakes, failure and what people will think of me OR I can move forward in faith, confidence, courage and strength. The choice is mine. I can and will continue to set boundaries, say no when I want, and work on my mental health to be better in all these areas. I will continue to love my people and be there for them. I will let people fix their own problems and learn their own lessons in their own time. I will support them through their journey. I now judge the “success” of my life on my happiness, health and progress versus the society checklist. I know what is meant for me will happen exactly when it’s supposed to. That would include marriage, kids, buying a house, and whatever else my future holds. Do I want those things? Absolutely. But again all that is given to God with the prayers I will follow and trust his direction even if it doesn’t make sense. It will all come in divine timing.
I am a constant work in progress. I am very in-tune with my emotions and am constantly working through them. I am a totally different person than I was two years ago because I have put in some serious hard-work to heal and be better. What’s actually mind blowing is four years ago this week I was on my honeymoon. L O freaking L! What a journey the past four years have been and the growth I have made in my life!! That right there gives me SO much confidence in God’s plan for me and my life. Even with that confidence though I still have doubts sometimes. I often question what the heck he is up to and if he hears little ole’ me down here.
Okay, friends, that’s enough for today. Let’s do a little recap!!
Set boundaries. Let people fix their own problems and learn their own lessons in their timing. Love your people big and hard! Have faith in your future and God’s plan for your life. What is meant for you will happen in diving timing. Soak up the chaos, embrace constant change and enjoy your journey. It is definitely quite the ride!!
Thank you for reading along and supporting this little ole’ blog of mine. Have an incredible day!!
Until next time,
Amanda
Gracefully, June 