Hi friends! Today is going to be about all the feels leading up to, during and post divorce. This one is full of raw feelings and thoughts. I have made a lot of progress over the last two years and understand the rollercoaster of emotions. I feel like I am the same person, but totally different all at the same time.

First and foremost, divorce sucks. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. I believe you should fight like hell for your marriage or relationship. I believe too many people run after the first problem. Relationships are hard and oh so wonderful all at the same time. I always think about people that stay at a job they hate and is sucking the life out of them for years… years! Now when it comes to their relationship, first problem or one thing they don’t like, gone. People aren’t perfect and either are you. Is it something you can work through? Talk about? Compromise? Put yourself in their shoes. How would you want someone to react if you did what they did? One of my client’s wife gave me some solid advice. She said, “What would you say to a friend if she was going through the exact same thing you were going through? Whatever you would tell her, is what you need to do.” Mic drop… we are done here! Just kidding.

At the end of the day, if it is just not working then go your separate ways. Your happiness and their happiness are equally as important in the long run. Not everyone you meet or date is your forever person.

Okay, strap in for the rollercoaster. It’s quite the ride. Here’s a my story from when I knew I needed to consider divorce to now.

First, I had to muster up the strength to talk to a lawyer and get my ducks in a row. For a while, I couldn’t find the courage to do it. I was in complete shock that I was even having to consider seeing a lawyer because I just am not someone that gets divorced. Like there is a type?? Lord. Once I made my decision, I was on a mission to get my ducks in a row without him knowing. I had to make sure I had all my stuff in order before I made a move. Because what if he decided to kick me out? The process of me getting my ducks in a row took about two months. It was all based on his backpacking trip to Europe. Just for timeline purposes he cheated mid March and then planned a “solo” backpacking trip to Europe for the end of May.

I didn’t have actual proof he cheated at this point. I just knew that something happened and it wasn’t sitting right with me. I always told myself if someone cheated on me I would leave. Well it’s a lot harder when you are in that situation yourself. I learned a valuable lesson to just be there for people and give advice only when asked if they are going through tough times. You have to be okay if they don’t take your advice. As a friend, you just need to love them through it. Just remember things are so different when you are the one sitting the driver seat.

My reality at the time was grand… not. My sales were low aka being in a 100% commission job I wasn’t making a lot of money. He brought home all the bacon and I was about to make a life decision that was going to impact me in more ways than one. A major way was financially. I was going to have to start over from basically scratch with a quarter of the income I was used to living on. I had never lived on my own at that point in my life. I did in college, but my parents paid for a majority of my stuff. Once I graduated, we lived together and split all the bills. For the first time I would have to do it all. I knew I would be able to. Just the thought, doubt and fear came over quickly and stayed for a while. Could I really provide for myself??

During those two months, I cried all the time. He traveled a lot for work and was gone most of the week. I didn’t have an appetite and lost about 15lbs in two months. I was sleeping a few hours a night. Even though I was exhausted, I couldn’t turn off my brain. I had a million and one thoughts racing through my head. A majority of the thoughts were playing back our relationship over the past six and a half years trying to connect the dots and see where I messed up or could have been better. I just knew it had to be something I did to push him to cheat.

The worst part is every day I saw 3-7 people for appointments. Some were new people and others clients. Regardless, they would ask me how married life was going, etc. I was a newlywed and we just got back in our house post Harvey. Things should have been great. I lied and told them how great it was because if I told them the truth I would have been bawling in their office. Now that just isn’t professional and I didn’t need to drag my personal life into my professional life. I had a couple client’s that called me out because they just knew something was off. To this day, I cherish those client’s and am so thankful. I was holding it together by a string. I was a hot mess express. My goal every day was to get out of bed and get back in at night. I was in survival mode. Emotional, numb, mindless and trying so hard to process everything when my world looked like a bowl of spaghetti noodles.

How I kept it together those two months and didn’t lose my shit is something only God knows.

Now we are at the end of May right before his trip. I knew I had to talk to him before he left. I had to at least tell him I knew something happened even though he wouldn’t tell me and that I met with a lawyer to figure out my options. Talk about nerves. Holy moly… it felt like I was punched in the gut. No appetite, no sleep and playing all the different scenarios in my head a million times and then some. I was going to be ready for anything he said. It truly felt as if I was on the edge of the cliff. I knew I had to jump. I was just scared. It’s okay to be scared. Normally when you are really scared you are about to do something really really brave.

We went to lunch and I told him I met with a lawyer. There was a small group of people that knew what was going on. They all thought once he knew I met with a lawyer there was no way in hell he would go to Europe. They all thought he would cancel the trip. I had every hope in the world for that too. I told him and he sat in shock for a little bit. Then he said, “Well I guess I will take an Uber to the airport.” We talked about things until it was time to leave for the airport and he said we would work on things when he got back. I took him to the airport. I was holding on to this hope that I was just in a bad dream and would wake up. This was all a joke. The situation wasn’t real. I figured it would give him more time to change his mind. I wanted him to pick me over her or that trip so bad. I was worthy to be picked.

He didn’t stay. He got out of the car, got his bag, gave me a hug and kiss and said we would work on things when he got back. Little did he know I had an apartment already lined up. I was going to pick up the keys the next day. If he stayed, I was going to cancel the apartment. If he left, I was moving. That decision was made up and I knew I had to stick to it.

Driving away from the airport I felt so low, crushed and empty. I wasn’t worthy of his love. Worthy of anything. Everything was a blur until the song by David Lee Murphy and Kenny Chesney “Everything’s Gonna Be Alright” came on. In that moment it was as if God was speaking directly to me and letting me know everything was going to be okay. When I listen to that song all I can do is smile, remember how I felt in that moment and where I am now. Oh how it all works out!

Fast forward he is on his trip. I am doubting everything. Did I even work at my marriage? What if he didn’t cheat? Am I just crazy?? God I need a sign. There is no way I will know I am making the right move unless I have a sign. Now it has to be so big I will ONLY know it is from you. Big, God, big.

Ready for it?? I got a sign. Multiple signs over a period of time. The one that confirmed it all for me was this. He sent me a live picture of a building. I still don’t know what made me hold down the picture to see the “live” part to this day, but I did. There were some words said and I just knew he was there with her (this was later confirmed). I knew he was going to see her, but when you hear her voice with him it just stings a totally different way. I sat in my car, my shoulders dropped and I looked up to the sky and said, “Okay. I guess that’s my sign.” Here’s the weird part I wasn’t upset. I was calm. It was the weirdest thing. I should have been enraged. I should have wanted to pull a Carrie Underwood moment and destroy his stuff. Instead, I went to the lake and spent the day with my family and friends. I laughed. I made memories. I wasn’t going to let him steal anymore of my joy that day. I was exhausted of being so sad and feeling broken. I felt like I was a glass ball that someone slammed on the floor and shattered into a million little pieces. Someone else shattered it and I was the one that had to put it back together… piece by piece.

Monday was Memorial Day, so everything was closed. He was coming back the following weekend, so Tuesday morning I got on the phone and scheduled movers for the next day. God wink moment, there was one truck and one slot left. Movers scheduled. My mom and sister came over to pack up my house the next day. I sat at the kitchen table and cried most of it. I didn’t want to take everything because he needed stuff too. Those moments were all a blur and everything moved so fast. I had a small circle that knew what was going on and they were my rocks. They stepped up and helped when I need it. They were angels sent from God in those moments.

Next step was serving my husband divorce papers. It was hard, but not as hard as the conversation before his trip. I was pissed and over it. How could he lie to my face point blank? Did he really think I was that stupid and couldn’t put the pieces together?! I was angry and calm all at the same time. I was so set in my decision and told myself I wouldn’t look back… big laugh there. I was damn sure in THAT moment though. I will never forget that conversation. The look on his face. The feeling I felt inside. I was proud of my courage, strength and bravery. I may have been knocked down 100 times, but I was still standing at the end of the day regardless of how exhausted and emotionally beaten I was. This would not break me.

Buckle up friends… here is the real rollercoaster.

It took me about seven months to go through the divorce. At first I was done. My mind was basically f you. I am done. Then I thought I could work things out. I mean we were together for so long. It was just a lapse in judgment. He really wouldn’t do that to me again. I need to fight like hell for this marriage. I need answers. So we went to counseling which was his idea. We went weekly. I finally got answers. In my mind, it was as if I had a police white board with people, places, things, etc. I was finally able to connect the dots. My gut feeling already assumed those things. They were just now confirmed.

I was working at my marriage and I had the support of the people around me just not the approval. They all thought I was crazy as hell even talking to him. Again, it is different when you are sitting in the drivers seat. We went on weekly dates, weekend trips, and talked every day. It was as if we were starting over from the beginning. He could move on without looking in the rearview mirror. He apologized countless times and was doing all the right things. I just couldn’t forget the past. I couldn’t just “brush” it off. We would hang out and things were great. We would have so much fun and then I would get so upset and angry. If things were this good, how the f could you do what you did?!?! They happened so often we would call them my outbursts. I knew in my mind I couldn’t stay with him because there was no trust. I didn’t trust anything he said or did. I honestly doubted our entire relationship and myself. What was true and what was complete bull shit? Is he just doing all the right things temporarily and then when I take him back he will go back to his old ways?? What are the people I told I was leaving his ass going to think if I take him back? What does that do to my credibility? How am I ever going to bring him around friends, family, etc.? I would be the wife that stayed with her cheating husband. What follows those questions are the whooping feelings of I am not worthy for anyone. Who is going to want to be with someone that was cheated on so early in her marriage? I am broken. I have baggage. If I wasn’t good enough for him, how am I going to be good enough for someone else??

Those thoughts either stayed for months, weeks, days or hours. Each time varied and it wasn’t pretty when they decided to camp out. Most people in my world didn’t know how low I felt. They knew sometimes because there was no holding it back. Most of the time they saw me as this strong women that kept it together when her entire world was on fire around her. I felt weak when I was struggling and felt as if he won. Which just pissed me off more and made me feel worse. He didn’t seem like he was struggling. He was living his best life while I was in the dumps. I felt I needed to keep my feelings to myself because letting people in to how I really felt would only skew their view of him more if we got back to together. Then I would hang out with my family, friends or go to counseling and snap out of it. My rollercoaster ride was now on the way up. Slow, but moving towards a better attitude and view of myself. I felt empowered and had a f you attitude. I would tell myself I don’t need a man. I was okay with being single and my two fur babes. I would chase my career. I didn’t need him, his money or the life I had with him. I could create my own life that would be better than the life I lived with him. I would prove him wrong by thriving! That’s the best revenge right??

Those emotions would continue for months. A true rollercoaster. Slow highs and fast lows. I could come racing down within minutes. It just wasn’t healthy. I was a mess, exhausted and needed to move on. That chapter needed to close.

There were two points I just couldn’t drop. I made promise to myself when I was younger that if anyone cheated on me I would leave and what would I say to my daughter if she was ever in this situation? First, how can I keep a promise to someone else if I can’t keep a promise to myself? Second, I would tell her to tell him to stick it where the sun doesn’t shine. She deserves more and better! She is worthy and incredible. It is his loss. It hurts and sucks. It will get better! Look at my life. I couldn’t say that if I stayed. I knew if I didn’t keep my promise it will kill any confidence and self worth I had left. As hard as it was, I had to walk away. Throw in the towel and do what was best for me. He agreed to sign the papers and it was time for me to go to the courthouse to make it official.

I went to the courthouse with my mom. I went in front of a judge, answered some questions and he granted my divorce final. I was done. The judge told me, “Now that’s a smile! Be careful young lady and good luck!” Later that night I met my parents and a few friends for a celebratory dinner. First thing, chilled tequila shots. I actually facetimed my sister and a few friends that couldn’t be there. We all took shots together. Cheers to new beginnings! I went home that night and felt so relived. I slept so good for the first time in months. The weight was off my shoulders. I could breathe.

I stayed strong for a while… until I started dating. I would go on dates and would compare everyone to him. The conversation would quickly turn to my divorce. Which is downright cringe worthy. When people would ask me if I was single I would say, “No, I am divorced.” I felt like people needed to know up front I was a divorcee. While I was “dating” I would text my ex or he would text me. We would hang out for a few weeks and then end things. He just understood me. I could be myself around him. Regardless what he did, there was a level of comfort there. At least I knew his worst. I could “deal” with it. Side note: when all this was going on I was going to counseling. When I would talk to my ex it would throw me into this depressive state. I would get so angry and bitter about the life we had, what I was supposed to have and it would take a toll on my entire life. I knew I needed professional help to work through those emotions. Each time I hung out with him I knew in my head this was not a good idea. My heart was still holding on. I truly believe we were connected at a soul level. When we stopped hanging out I would find my joy again. I would sleep better. I had more energy. I was different. I did this back and forth for about six months after I was divorced.

Back to the adventure of dating post divorce. I got on a dating app for a few weeks. Lawd have mercy… I would talk to people and the minute they started asking personal questions I felt like they were trying to figure out where I lived and they were serial killers. Dramatic much?? Which makes me laugh even typing that. One guy asked me to hang out. I told him, “I am really busy for the next two weeks.” Which I was. Then I deleted the app and gave up on dating because lord. That just was not the life for me. I was going to be single for a few years. Travel, chase my career and live my best life. I was at peace about it. I was excited for the next few years.

Fast forward a few weeks. A few freaking weeks. I get introduced to Matt by his parents. His step dad was a client of mine. He kept telling me he knew who my future husband was [insert eye roll and all the laughs], I needed to meet his son, etc. Well his parents were asking me about what I wanted in a guy, etc. I was very honest with them because I was going to be single for one to two years. They both said ,”You need to meet our son!! That is him to a T!” Okay, fine. Set it up. Well I was leaving the appointment literally picking up my purse and who drives into the parking lot?? Matt. Tell God your plans and he laughs.

Yall. I went outside to meet him and when this guy pulled his head out of the back seat of his truck and smiled with those dimples I told myself, “Shit. I’m supposed to be single for one to two years.” He was SO cute!!! We talked for a little bit and he asked for my number. If he wanted to pursue me, fine. I was not doing the chasing.

We started hanging out. The first time he helped me put together chairs for my table. He met me at World Market because they couldn’t fit in my car. He had a truck. Let me just paint this picture… he is tall, dark hair, blue eyes, tan, has the best smile and dimples that will melt you like butter. He is an all-American southern gentleman aka a snack! haha He walked into World Market and waited until the boxes were there. I tried to help him carry the boxes out of the store and he said, “Give me those!” He throws them over his shoulder like it is nothing, puts them in his truck and says, “You want a sweet tea?” Southern, yall. He put them together and I made lunch. I couldn’t have him come over and not feed him. He helped in the kitchen which was huge for me. He was so respectful, funny and I knew my year or two of no dating was not going to happen.

Rollercoaster ride isn’t over.

We started seeing each other more. Things with him were so easy. I enjoyed seeing him. I would light up when we talked or when we were together. Spoiler alert I still do. In the beginning of our relationship, I would compare him to my ex a lot. They are polar opposites. I would go back and forth of wanting to be in a relationship or not. Deep down I always had this feeling everything would work out and I really liked him so my vote was stay in a relationship even though my walls tried to block it.

We both had major major major walls up and super deep wounds that are still healing. We would take two steps forward and ten back. No big blow up fights or anything like that. We would just not talk for a few days. I would push him away and he would do the same. We would always come back together. He would do nice things for me just because and I immediately felt I needed to repay him or do something in return. He would tell me he was going to do something and he followed through on his word. I didn’t believe he would and then he would prove me wrong. He proved me wrong a lot and still does. I was so guarded. Remember when I said I felt like I was a glass ball someone shattered into a million pieces? Well I finally felt I put that glass ball back together with tape, super glue and gum. I was on a mission to keep it in tact no matter how bad it looked. I wasn’t going to hand it to anyone. My walls protected that ball aka my heart. I would always keep him at an arms distance.

Over time I would let a wall down and so would Matt. We were growing and learning to trust each other more and more. We both had our own lives. We had our own identities. We would communicate and slowly open up to each other. We still do to this day. My counselor told me I was finally in a healthy relationship.

Fast forward to now. We have been together for almost a year and a half. There are still walls up for both of us. We both light up when the other person walks in the room. I have a genuine happiness I never thought I could have. There are still things he says and does that trigger emotions and feelings. I am still learning how to acknowledge, process them and communicate properly in the moment when I get upset. In those moments I have to constantly remind myself having feelings doesn’t mean I am weak. I am working to not shut down in those moments. My natural tendency is to put up a wall and push back. A work in progress and a lot of grace over here.

I still feel like I am on the rollercoaster, but it is the kid ride that is smooth with little bumps here and there. I was on the main attraction there for a while. Friends, I wouldn’t change that ride for anything. As shitty as it was, it made me who I am today. I appreciate Matt so much more because of my past. I am better in this relationship than I was in my marriage. I learned lessons and failed forward. Because of my ride, I am able to help other women going through similar situations. I don’t know exactly how they feel, but I have been in very similar shoes. My past has made me stronger, more confident, more spontaneous, and it has given me a heart full of grace. I am better today in every area of my life because of it. I am a survivor. I am a fighter. I am resilient and so are you. Regardless what you are going through, take one step at a time. When you get knocked down, get back up. Fight for YOU. You are worth it.

I thought the life I had before was grand and wonderful. Jokes on me because the life I live now is so rich. It is full of love and happiness. I am dating a wonderful man that accepts me and my baggage. I accept him and his baggage too. That baggage is part of we are. It doesn’t define us. Just part of the recipe. I would go through all of that 100 times over if it meant I got to have the life I have now. The crazy thing is it is just getting started.

My dad has always told us to enjoy the journey. Friends, enjoy your journey. The good, bad and ugly. Life is a ride!

Thank you for reading along! I appreciate you spending some of your day with me.

Until next time!

Amanda