The weekend that forever changed my life a year ago…is this weekend. I sit here in my apartment alone and think about how far I have come, but also how sad I am at the same time. When I think about how much has changed in a year, how much I have grown, how much life I have lived counted by the amount of full days I have had, etc. I am thankful….even though it has been a struggle for most of it. On the other hand, I think about what my life would be like today, how our home would be decorated or the memories made in our home, trips we would have taken, experiences we would have to reminiscence on, and all the green beer I would be drinking with my husband this weekend on St. Patty’s Day. My heart hurts today. I am angry and upset on one hand, and happy and proud on the other. What a freakin year it has been. Something that I have really made a conscious effort about is allowing myself to feel the feelings I am feeling, but understand what is triggering them. Being happy, angry, sad, peaceful, etc. is just an effect from a cause. I try to understand what my triggers are so I have a better handle on how I will feel in certain situations.

I look back on how I could have done things different in my marriage. How I could have been a better wife. etc. The list goes on and on. To name a few… I would have told my husband how proud I was to be his wife… every. single. day. I would have made it my mission to fill his love tank in the ways he felt most loved. I would have said thank you’s and I love you’s more. I would have made it a priority to spend more time with him and to actually do the things we always talked about doing. Little things from doing something around the house or trips and everything in between. I would have done them all. I would have listened more and asked more questions about him. He was always really good about listening and switching the conversation back to me. When he said he didn’t want to talk about things because they were a sensitive subject, I would have pressed a little harder to get to know him better. Peeling back the onion…there are so many layers. I would have been more affectionate to him in little and big ways. I would have communicated better when I was struggling and allowed him to help more. I am a little stubborn and like to do things on my own. Many lessons learned this past year. I would have done a lot of things a little different.

Now of course, when things happen people always say what they would have changed, done better, different, etc. I think you should learn from every experience good and bad. There are things I would do the exact same if I had to do it all over again. I would have continued to love him through it all. I loved him when he was working four jobs to pay for school/life when we were in college and when he was making good money to provide a lifestyle we didn’t have to stress about. I accepted him when he didn’t have much and loved him the same when he did. Material things and money aren’t a huge factor in my book. Love is more important to me than money and having all your wants/desires. It’s the person next to you that matters the most. I always felt like if I had him and the love we shared, we could get through anything and would always be okay. I provided for our family. Not always monetarily, but in having dinner made, lunches packed, breakfast made, sweet notes in his lunch or work bag, hugs and kisses on the way out the door and back in, listening ears, being a go-to dance partner whether it was out or in our kitchen, someone to always laugh at his jokes, the stability in having someone that could take care of the house when he was out of town so much, and being a constant love in his life. This list could also go on. I would be the caring and sweet person I have always been.

Make no mistake, my ex husband was not a bad person. He was actually incredible and so good for me in SO many ways. He was so much fun, hard-working, kind, smart and loving. He just made a mistake that would cost him his marriage and mine. It hurts me every day to not have him in my life. I think about him often and what my life would have been if I would have stayed. I knew in my gut I couldn’t. I made the decision I thought was best for me and acted on it regardless of how painful it was.

The thing that a lot of people don’t talk about it that you have to grieve your divorce just like you grieve a death. There are five stages and it is not 1,2,3,4,5 wabam you are healed. There is no particular order. The stages will come and go. You think you are getting better and you will feel like you got hit by a freight train one day and back at square one. You aren’t, but it feels that way. You never know how much time it takes to heal from things like this. There isn’t a time table. The ONLY person that knows you are okay, is the person wearing the shoes… you. Not the person that has walked in their shoes before. No shoes are the same. No person’s story is the same. You never know what someone is going through because 99.9% of people never share everything they are feeling, experiencing, etc., because being vulnerable is scary and terrifying and there is a huge fear of rejection involved. On the other hand being vulnerable lets people in and brings comfort that there are people in the world going through the same thing you are. There is comfort in numbers.

Everyone has their own struggles and has to process things on their own. The biggest thing for the people in their life is to just be there for them. Ask how they are doing and really mean it. Know that most people will say, “I’m good.” when they really aren’t. I have been one of those people before. Friends, hug your family, significant other, boyfriend/girlfriend, friends or just the people in your life and let them know you love them. Never be afraid to tell people how you really feel because life is short. Fill their love tank and figure out what ways they feel most loved. Communicate and let them know how you are feeling. Most importantly, take time for your loved ones and make them a priority. At the end of the day, it is the people beside you that matter the most.

Thank you for spending some of your day with me and reading along. I truly feel like I am sitting and catching up with a good friend writing this. I hope you feel the same. Thank you for being YOU! Have an amazing day and go make wonderful memories you will look back in a year and laugh about. Spread and be the joy, friend!

Amanda