Hi friends!! This blog feels like an open space and I don’t know where to start. So what do I do? I pray. I pray for guidance and the words that someone needs to hear. So here we go.

Why the new chapter? Divorced at 27. That’s a chapter I never thought existed in my book. Well plot twist, it does. It would be a chapter of heartbreak, lots of tears, sleepless nights, and finding myself again. An old me with a new voice. Character building as I like to call hard moments/tough days/life circumstances. A chapter that would mold me into the person I am today. A chapter that would give me a different perspective on life and people in the best ways. The chapter that would bring me back to Jesus. The chapter that I would eventually be so thankful for.

I have always been a good kid. The kid that made my bed, made good grades, listened to my parents, and always tried to do the right thing. If you look up traits for the oldest child in the dictionary, you would find my picture next to it. My parents never had to worry about me making bad decisions because I just didn’t. I have the nickname “Golden Child” in my family. Painting the picture yet? I hope so.

You can only imagine what a blow getting a divorce at 27 did to my perfect little plan that was so strategically made by yours truly. I had a 5, 10 and 15 year plan. Go to college, start my career, get married, buy a house, start a family… live a long, happy life with my husband. Be a mama to the sweetest babies around. The whole enchilada and, yall, it. was. perfect.

I went to college, met this wonderful man, moved to Houston, we bought a house, got engaged, got married… my boxes were being checked in perfect order. This is good. The boat is sailing straight and we had a few little storms along the way. (We will talk about one later… a little hurricane called Harvey. That rocked the boat quite a bit. Long story, another day.) Overall, the “Amanda plan” was playing out just like I hoped it would.

Well I am convinced I am a comedian, because I told God that plan over and over again as if I needed to convince him that my plan was better or something like that. A real smart cookie over here! Do yall know what he did? Laughed. Oh my child… just wait. Just wait for MY PLAN.

Over the past year I have shaken my fist at God more than I would like to admit. I have been SO pissed at him. I have questioned him. I have cried curled in a ball saying, “Why?!” over and over again. Why would something like this happen to someone like me? Someone that does the right thing? Um HELLO?! Are you listening?!?!

But yall. Let me tell you what. He was listening. He flipped my boat because I am too damn stubborn to listen when the water was calm. When he told me to get out of the boat I was in, I laughed PHAHAHA good one, Jesus. You are funny. That seems to be the norm though. There may be red flags or things that seem a little off, but we blow them off. I did. I made excuses. I looked the other way. Eventually he will flip your boat too. He will let you bend, but will never let you break.

I am sure you are on the edge of your seat wondering why I got divorced… maybe? Well, friends, I was cheated on and I have always made a promise to myself that if anyone I was dating or married to cheated I would leave. It took me longer than I thought, but I left. I served him with papers and ended my marriage that I cherished so much. I ended the very thing I have always said I wanted. A family. Because how was I ever supposed to keep a promise to someone if I couldn’t keep a promise to myself? How could I ever look at my daughter or son one day and tell them to stay if they were in my same position? Lord knows I would tell them to leave. I would tell them you are strong. You are going to be okay. You can tell them to stick it where the sun doesn’t shine and quite a few other choice words. I would NEVER be okay with someone treating my kids or family that way, so why would I be okay being treated that way??

I was and still am embarrassed. When someone asks about my divorce I always feel the need to justify why it happened because I want them to know I am the strong one and I didn’t mess up. Silly right? You shouldn’t care what people think, right? That’s what people always tell you. Well when it comes to life changing events like a divorce, I care. I didn’t want to be the one people thought messed up. I didn’t want to be the one that failed. I am strong and have my life together. People like that don’t get divorced. False. My plan went straight down the drain. How were people going to look at me? Were people going to see how broken I was? Am I ever going to get married again? Was this my one shot at marriage? Why was this happening to me? Oh the questions and thoughts I told myself.

Remember in my first blog post I told you I would be honest, real and vulnerable? Keep reading my friend. You may have been here before.

The weekend it happened I had a gut feel something was off, but didn’t have proof until months later. I just knew something wasn’t right. Trust your gut… it is never wrong. I questioned myself and everything in between. I replayed every situation, moment, scenario in my head a thousand times to try to figure out how I missed this.

For the first few months after I was cheated on (still didn’t have proof or a confession it was all just a feel), I lost so many hours of sleep. I was sick to my stomach most days and didn’t eat very much. I was so heartbroken I didn’t have an appetite for food or sleep. I would lay in bed stare at the ceiling and cry. I cried in the shower. I cried going to work. I cried in between appointments. I would keep a frozen water bottle in my lunchbox to put on my eyes before I walked into an appointment to reduce the swelling. I cried all the time. One time I cried in a Firehouse Subs because my chip fell on the floor. The crying where you aren’t making any noise, but your body is doing the shoulder shake as if your favorite song came on at the bar. Lord have mercy. Honestly, I didn’t know it was humanly possible to cry that many tears. Seriously. Buckets full.

The thing about crying that much is in the midst of hitting rock bottom, you find your strength. You find Jesus and lean into him harder than you ever have before. You find your best friends and strengthen the bond with your family. You find your voice that turns into a roar. You become this strong, unbreakable person that chooses to get back up regardless of how broken you feel. You put the pieces of your life back together and smile because you are alive with a beating heart and you have a purpose. Your time here isn’t over and you can turn this mess into a message that will help other people. You will show people that you can be strong enough to walk away when people don’t treat you right or see your worth. You show people that there is still good in bad situations. You show people grace and how to love people even when they weren’t the nicest to you. You get vulnerable with people and you let people in. You admit you are a mess and you finally ask for help because you can’t do it alone. It takes a village yall. Your village loves you and wants to be there for you. They want to help, love, support and encourage you. Let them in. Lord knows one day they will need it and when that day comes be there for them. You love them through it. Because the people that stay, are the ones you want to be around. Those are your people.

I wouldn’t wish divorce on anyone. Ever. I am still processing everything and healing. I have more good days than bad. I have a different type of confidence in myself and truly know my worth. I am finally okay with who I am and that, my friends, is the best. I feel at peace and am happier than I have felt in a long time. I think that part has to do with being closer to God and making sure I fill myself with prayer and his word every morning. He will give you super powers. I am so thankful for this life, every trial and hardship I have and will go through. Just remember, friends, your story is already written and it is beautiful, perfect and is made just for you. Thank you for reading and spending some of your day with me! Have the most amazing day!!

Amanda