Hi friends! I cannot believe it is already mid August. Where has this year gone?! On another note I have a feeling like something really good is around the corner. I have been feeling this for a while now. I don’t know what it is. I look forward to it though. As much as I am looking forward to whatever that thing is, I am also terrified on the other hand. See my friends, I have built some major walls and have been told by my close friends and family that I am very guarded. Yup. Hi, that’s me!

Two things I have really struggled with post-divorce is trusting other people and believing the things they say are true and from a genuine place. My initial thought is that they aren’t. I haven’t always had these feelings, but recently they are more common. I have been told this all apart of the healing process.

See I met my ex-husband when I was 19. I wasn’t looking for anything and actually told him I would never date him. Jokes on me! The dating world was different. Guys talked to girls first. Dating apps weren’t a thing. You talked on the phone and took time to get to know someone. The guys courted the girls and it was not super traditional, but definitely more than it is now.

On that same note, I have been raised by a loving mom and dad that have been married 30 plus years and still flirt with each other. It grosses me out sometimes, but my husband better flirt with me like that. I grew up with a dad that loves his girls and would do anything for us. He makes us feel special and cared for. He listens to us ramble about our day. He will air up our tires if they are low and help us pick out outfits for any and every event. He is the ultimate fixer and I swear can fix any problem or anything you bring to him. He still opens our doors and is a southern gentleman. See yall, my dad set the bar. He set the bar high and also raised us not to settle for anything less.

I got on a dating app a few weeks ago. It was fun at first and then I was so weirded out I got off. The conversations, meeting complete strangers online…aka I used every excuse in the book. I keep saying I just want to meet someone naturally like at the grocery store. Um I do curbside. HA!

The dating world is different now. That doesn’t mean I have to lower my standards. I just need to lower some walls and give people a chance. Putting the walls up and being guarded is my defense mechanism to keep people out and to protect myself to not get hurt again. They could be better and be the best thing since sliced bread. I just say no to any opportunity like that. I joke around and say I don’t even let them get on my sidewalk. I keep them in the street. Hi, yeah… you can stop right there. I am really good at keeping people at a distance or pushing people away. I swear it is a talent [insert eye roll].

I am actually going to go to counseling to work through this because I know I can’t do it alone. I need help. I want to be better. I want to let people in. I am just scared. I don’t want to get hurt again. I don’t want my life to be shattered in pieces again right after I feel like I just put it back together. It is like my life is this precious crystal ball with all the pieces carefully glued and taped back together. It’s not perfect and frankly looks like a Pinterest fail, but it is back together to say the least. I have spent hours, days, weeks and months putting the pieces back and I don’t trust anyone else with that ball, but me. I want to be able to trust someone again to hand them that crystal ball. I just know it will take time.

I am a work in progress and working to be better every day. Sometimes you need outside help to be better. Friends, don’t be afraid to ask for help. Sometimes it takes more strength to ask for help versus internally trying to figure it out. Be brave!

As always, thank you for spending some of your day with me. I am so grateful for each and every one of you. Go make someone’s day and spread the joy!

Amanda